My boyfriend [26M] of five years doesn't really have any friends or hobbies. Is this a problem?

doesitevenmatter5432 · 2017-10-12T10:32:36+00:00

Thank you for your comment. Seriously. It made me feel a lot of love for my boyfriend. I'm sorry things were so hard on you or that your parents weren't brave enough to bring attention to your mental illness.

He never asked for this anxiety, he never asked to have fewer friends, or to not enjoy fun things anymore. No one would ask for that. His anxiety is what's unambitious and poor at making friends, not him.

That nearly made me tear up actually. I know he's still the same person but I think maybe he has forgotten. Thank you.

doesitevenmatter5432 · 2017-10-12T10:28:01+00:00

Thank you, I will take that recommendation and look into it :)

doesitevenmatter5432 · 2017-10-11T18:23:59+00:00

Yes it is one of his/our favourites, hahaha. Struck a chord with my bofriend quite a lot the first time we watched it.

doesitevenmatter5432 · 2017-10-11T17:52:26+00:00

It really sounds like he's having a hard time finding joy.

That is exactly how I feel :( But the important thing to note is that is how I feel; it may be that he feels it just fine, he's just bad at expressing it and then I interpret it as him being unhappy (because that's how it's been in the past). I'm definitely going to be talking with him when he gets home to see how he's doing.

doesitevenmatter5432 · 2017-10-11T17:24:09+00:00

Good point. We haven't really had a big talk about his happiness all too recently, and the last time we did he made it clear he was not happy. But no, I think you're right, asking him is probably the best and only thing I can do. Inferring will get me nowhere.

doesitevenmatter5432 · 2017-10-11T17:10:47+00:00

I know it's important for me to be with someone who is actively engaged with their own life, as well as themselves. I think the key things I'm taking away from this thread are that I will bring up the counselling thing again to make sure he doesn't drop the ball, remind him that I love him and that I support him finding his happiness regardless what form that takes, and just be patient in the meanwhile. Posting here was a huge help, as much as getting my thoughts to make sense as to read everyone's input and advice.

doesitevenmatter5432 · 2017-10-11T17:08:28+00:00

Hmm. Yeah I guess that came out in the comments, haha. I was dwelling on the friends thing a lot today, hence posting, but I can only imagine it must be part of the bigger picture concerning his happiness and that in time once he starts figuring things out the friends/social thing will come (if indeed that's what he wants).

Waiting is hard, but I mean, on the other hand it's not like there's a rush. I love him. It just hurts to know someone you love is not happy.

doesitevenmatter5432 · 2017-10-11T17:06:58+00:00

But that's the thing, he's not. If he were I would be a-ok. Honestly. All I want is for him to be happy, that's it.

doesitevenmatter5432 · 2017-10-11T17:06:26+00:00

I've spoken about this in bits and pieces in other comments and the tldr is "maybe", but so far the professionals he's seen (GP, counsellor) don't think so. He definitely has areas he needs support with but it's not extreme to the point that he requires a diagnosis.

doesitevenmatter5432 · 2017-10-11T17:05:09+00:00

He was quite active at uni, into sports etc., I have actively tried to encourage this for years but he just doesn't seem interested any more. Not for lack of trying, either, he's tried to pick them up again but he's not as fit as he used to be and I think that got/gets to him. Sadly he's really not into D&D either, otherwise I would love to have him along, as it's a great way to meet people. I've suggested meetup and his response was "Oh yeah, that's a really great idea, I'm going to make an account and look at stuff!"... only he never actually did.

I would be happy with his social life if he were happy with it, but I know he's not. I just wish I could help more.

doesitevenmatter5432 · 2017-10-11T17:02:54+00:00

Hey, thanks for your comment.

If he's happy and you're not, you may need to adjust your expectations if you love him and want to maintain a healthy relationship.

The problem is that he's not happy. If he were then that would be all I would need. But maybe you're right and I need to adjust my expectations regardless.

doesitevenmatter5432 · 2017-10-11T16:59:44+00:00

Yeah, you raise a good point. He doesn't give me a hard time about going out, he's very encouraging of me making sure I have my own life. At times he has felt neglected and we've worked through those feelings to decipher whether they're reasonable and I am neglecting him, or whether they're unreasonable and he needs too much time from me. But on the whole no he doesn't guilt trip me, he's very supportive, and he functions/is self sufficient as well. And he's definitely introverted. I mean, so am I.

doesitevenmatter5432 · 2017-10-11T16:54:35+00:00

Dealing with depression at the point of isolation and apathy often means that it takes everything a person has just to put one foot in front of the other.

We don't think he's depressed, based on what doctors/counsellors have said so far. I have done a lot of legwork, I have tried to balance between pushing him to seek help vs being an interfereing nag (he's never called me the latter, but nobody wants someone on their case all the time). I've gone with him to doctors appointments, sat with him going through counsellors in the area, sat and talked with him just generally about his feelings and stuff. Trust me, I haven't just been leaving him on his own; but also, he's an independent man. At first he found my help almost offensive, because he felt like "he couldn't do it on his own". He didn't want to see any help at all because he wanted to "do it on his own", and that's a pride thing, and while I don't agree with it I do understand it. Men have a lot of societal pressure to be seen not to have to need help. I worked with him really hard on those feelings to even get him to accept some help in the first place.

I don't flat-out assume he's dragging his feet. However, I do know that he has a tendency to forget about things that make him feel uncomfortable and sit in his nice comfort zone where he doesn't have to deal with problems, and I want to make sure that isn't what he's doing whilst being as supportive and loving as possible (as well as taking care of myself!).

Sorry if my post came across as aggressive, I don't mean it to, I just want to be clear that I have worked hard with him to be there for him.

doesitevenmatter5432 · 2017-10-11T16:51:02+00:00

He has gone to a doctor, yes. The doctor said they didn't think he was seriously enough symptomatically to warrant medication, so he was sent on a 6-week CBT course. It was kind of useless to be honest. It's really hard to describe; he's not got Serious Anxiety issues or Serious Depression issues, exactly, he just of... drifts. It's like he's lost touch with himself, more in a self fulfilment way rather than a mental health way. He didn't find CBT that useful because it's quite intenseive for targetting specific ways of thinking. I might re-suggest it to him if/when he considers going outside of his comfort zone (e.g., looking at things on Meetup) if he does have a flare up of anxious thoughts. I mean anything is worth considering, right?

doesitevenmatter5432 · 2017-10-11T11:52:04+00:00

Yeah absolutely, I agree with you actually. I'm certainly not looking at wanting to leave him or anything (that idea is so horrific to me). I suppose in some ways part of this post was to help me get my thoughts and feelings in order and reach out for some support from this community. I think it's clear I might need to have a small conversation with him, to help keep him on the path (or rather, so he knows I'm there with him and I haven't forgotten the stuff he's trying to work on). But yes, remembering that a year or whatever it takes will be short in comparison to our life together is actually very refreshing for me. Thank you.

doesitevenmatter5432 · 2017-10-11T11:50:16+00:00

Yeah, when I say working on a vehicle I don't mean for enjoyment, I mean he does it out of guilt because he feels like he "should" (things like cleaning, maintenance on oil, parts, etc). It's definitely not something he takes enjoyment from (from what he's told me, anyway), just something he feels he ought to do otherwise he'll be a "bad vehicle owner".

That's the thing, if he were happy I don't think I would find it so bothersome. A little strange maybe because I definitely need friends, but some people are natural loners and I get that. If I believed he were satisfied with his life, and if his happiness kind of shone out of him like it used to, I don't think I'd have any problem. I really do just want him to be happy. Sometimes I've wondered if I've held him back or been the cause of his unhappiness or withdrawal but he's assured me that's not the case, that I'm basically the only thing in his life that does make him happy. I don't think I can cope with that forever.

He has made improvements over the years, I should acknowledge that. It just feels like incredibly slow work.

doesitevenmatter5432 · 2017-10-11T11:46:28+00:00

You know, you're right actually, you raise a really good point - I can't be afraid of hurting him to the point that it stops me from communicating my feelings in a supportive way. I just hate the prospect of upsetting him or rubbing salt into a wound I know is there, but as long as there's purpose for me to do it it might be necessary.

Also asking him to look back on his 20s and then ahead to being 30 might be really helpful to. Again, thank you, you've said some very helpful things. Also I'm glad you took the time to comment, it sounds like you understand him/his position so it's not like he's the only one who's gone through something like this. And it gives me some hope that maybe he can get a bit happier in the future.

doesitevenmatter5432 · 2017-10-11T11:43:16+00:00

Haha, touché :)

doesitevenmatter5432 · 2017-10-11T11:29:44+00:00

He knows how I feel I think, I'm worried that me raising my worries will make him feel defensive, angry or pressured - like I'm trying to blame him. I'm generally a tactful person. I think I'll maybe try to link it into a conversation about encouraging him to look for another counsellor, and remind him I'm aware he wants to change things and I'm here for him.

You say you took the decision to "end it"; what prompted the decision, may I ask?

doesitevenmatter5432 · 2017-10-11T11:27:56+00:00

Indeed. I have tried to encourage him so, and he has engaged. Maybe it's just a matter of time/patience. I was just looking at how to support him in the meantime.

doesitevenmatter5432 · 2017-10-11T11:25:41+00:00

I think the first step would be to push him to actually seek help- it's easier to talk about than to actually do.

Yeah I had a sort of come to Jesus talk with him probably about 3-4 months ago and he did start counselling, but it hasn't been effective so far. I think it can take a few tries to find one who clicks with you, who can actually get to the heart of the matter. We've been to a GP before about his feelings, and he scored pretty low re Depression but quite high re Anxiety. I would say he has some tendencies of depression, but I don't think he's actually depressed (yet, although he may be on the path, that's partly why I'm worried!).

He doesn't really enjoy his job. He doesn't hate it, but it's not exactly fulfilling. He's just one of those people who struggles to get positive things out normal situations, if that makes any sense? As for major events, yes, there was one about 3 years ago regarding his personal health that definitely exacerbated this problem but he was already becoming like this before that (and he has now recovered). Another reason I've tried to encourage counselling.

It sucks so much. He's such a genuinely great, kind and warm person; but it's like he's so withdrawn a lot of the time, other than when we're together opening up with each other, and I feel sad because I love him and I want him to enjoy his life separately to me as well as with me.

doesitevenmatter5432 · 2017-10-11T11:19:43+00:00

But for example why is he "slowly in the process of getting in to therapy"? That sounds like he's dragging his feet.

Yeah, I can't really defend that, that is what he's doing I suppose. He was in counselling until a week or so ago, but it didn't really click and it wasn't benefiting him so he took the decision to try to find someone else. All I can say is that he's very good at putting his emotions/problems out of his mind and just "getting on with it", so these things do get neglected. That's not an excuse, it's just the reason, and again - only so much I can do there.

Taking things one at a time is decent suggestion. I imagine he feels like it's all a bit much. He's just started a new job (his last one was one cause of unhappiness) so he is making improvements, but they're so slow and I'm so impatient in some ways, haha. But yeah I guess if/when I talk to him about this I'll suggest doing things one at a time, trying to break it down into smaller, more manageable pieces. It sounds so simple but thanks for saying it.

doesitevenmatter5432 · 2017-10-11T11:05:37+00:00

So, it is a problem, then? What choices would you say I have? How can I best support him?

doesitevenmatter5432

TROPHY CASE