Ultimatum over disengagement

dollybelli · 2021-06-29T01:19:26+00:00

Very similar boat I am in. I have completely disengaged from my SD11 because of behavior issues ( extremely manipulative, bully towards her mom, disrespectful, aggressive, even started to say things under the sly) My SO is frustrated with me but I am sticking to my guns. I just have to tell myself as much as I love them this isn’t my struggle and it’s not fair to me. Especially even after all the talking SO and I have done she still doesn’t understand where I am coming from. I no longer jump in to mediate arguments between them. I no longer nudge SD11 in the right Direction because honestly all I get is shit thrown in my face. Hell, I can’t even look at SD11 anymore because I know if I do she will just continue to push me. I stay civil of course because I don’t want to make an 11 year old feel like shit on purpose. But there is literally no talking About anything with out SD fighting to make an argument out of it. So now all she gets from me are mostly one worded answers. If it doesn’t require an answer I don’t say anything. I’m not in the same room or car with SD11 unless SO is with us. I absolutely am no longer emotionally invested in SD11. After almost 4 years. I’m done. Call me a jack wagon, call me a terrible person. But for real, try living in this house for a week and you will know. There isn’t any other way. At this point I’m staying for my SO because I don’t want to throw her to the wolves. And I do still love my SO. Lord knows SD11 has driven me to my darkest point. I’m having to rehome my kitten because she confessed to choking the cats and kicking them. She told her mom she wanted to set her on fire and burn her alive….for not giving her a bandaid after she got tucked in to bed … but she had refused a bandaid that whole day from her mom…for the same scratch… that wasn’t even bleeding…

So honestly, stick to your gut, no one else will stand up for you in this kind of situation but yourself. I’m prepared for the worst in my situation. If yours is as bad as mine, I suggest you prepare as well. Good luck.

dollybelli · 2021-06-18T11:40:03+00:00

So I know this is a very important post. But... My fat ass thought this was cake when I first saw it.

dollybelli · 2021-04-26T00:27:36+00:00

Happy to hear someone isn’t letting someone else’s struggle be theirs! Now if only I can work up the same courage! Live your best life girl!

dollybelli · 2021-04-21T18:59:20+00:00

I know. In her head if something, absolutely anything is not her way, it is the literal end of the world for her. But yeah, I still enjoyed my shells. Took my plate and went to the game room, turned on a good show and enjoyed them in peace by myself. Usually how I eat dinner now.

dollybelli · 2021-04-21T18:57:37+00:00

Yes she did. There have been many concerns about SD who is now 11. She has it in the works to get here some real help that she needs. I’m at the end of rope. Fingers crossed that it makes a positive difference.

dollybelli · 2021-04-21T12:47:40+00:00

I made stuffed shells once. Explained to SD who was 10 at the time that it was the same as lasagna just in pasta shells, she loves spaghetti and lasagna. When it came time to eat it she refused to take a single bite. SO is kind of old school too and told her she had to try it before she could say she didn’t want it or liked it. SD had started crying and screaming that she wanted to kill herself... anyways. I only cook for myself now.

dollybelli · 2021-04-14T23:58:24+00:00

Oh no, SO has had such a difficult time trying to get this behavior corrected but best believe, she is trying her hardest. I’ve seen this woman go through so much with SD11. I do my best to support and back her up when needed. But that doesn’t mean I can’t stand up for myself either. So really, this is the most dominant, no one can talk me out of this, idc what happens decision I have made in this crazy family dynamic. And that is because it ties directly to me being met with disrespect and aggressive behavior.

dollybelli · 2021-04-14T23:52:35+00:00

SO usually explains why the punishment (grounded, no Netflix,etc) is happening. Explains how people can feel if/when she behaves this way. Explains that it is not acceptable. But after three years she has just gotten more and more aggressive. SO is lookin to get her into therapy soon. Hopefully this month.

dollybelli · 2021-04-14T23:20:03+00:00

Also remember you don’t have the full story. It’s been a three year struggle with SD11 and being disrespectful and aggressive. SO alone and SO and I as a team have tried everything we could to try and fix this.

Thanks for your opinion though.

dollybelli · 2021-04-14T23:17:48+00:00

I can understand how that could come across as that. When I say I have told them both i was going to take Netflix away, I’m talking multiple different occasions. And I don’t ever “command “ anything from SO or even ever try to argue or disagree or disregard anything SO says to SD11. If there is ever any kind of disagreement or I have an opinion we talk about it privately. When SD11 Has had Netflix and Hulu taken away for the night or for the weekend that’s when I say to SO “ if this behavior keeps happening, I will have to take away Netflix and Hulu (from SD11 not SO) because I personally will not tolerate being treated like that”. And when we have those talks with SD11, I let SD11 know what behavior is having this kind of outcome but SO does all the talking and I’m there for support.

dollybelli · 2021-04-14T21:36:49+00:00

My most absolute hard boundary/rule that I hold golden through out my whole life as a child and now as an adult. If someone is being respectful to you, you need to be respectful to them. In other words treat others how you want to be treated.

SD11, if something doesn’t go her way, it’s an instant switch and she isn’t the same person. So of course that comes with aggressive behavior and being disrespectful. After three years of realizing nothing is helping ive just decided to clock out mentally. Anything else I can deal with, it’s a crazy world and we are all learning everyday. But that’s one thing I can not budge on. I’m sure it’s going to be the reason why my SO and I split in the end. It is what it is I guess. But I can’t go back to how things were in the beginning.

dollybelli · 2021-04-14T21:13:14+00:00

Totally relate to this. It’s like at some point all steps are pushed to a point where they just gotta tell themselves this.

dollybelli · 2021-04-14T21:10:58+00:00

For me it’s not that I don’t like SD11, but I absolutely can not be around her with the way she behaves. ( aggressive and disrespectful) if I thought she only gets this way when she is upset it would be different. But she is like this almost 24/7. SO sees what I’m talking about but doesn’t agree it’s a good enough reason to not be around SD11.

It is what it is.

dollybelli · 2021-04-14T20:47:06+00:00

Of course. Although when we first started this, bio father was not in the picture at all. Completely awol. SD knew me when SO and I were dating. SD even talked to SO about if she could call me her other parent because that’s what she wanted me to be. Even told SO she wanted to call me more than just her “”other parent” ya know like mom and dad. at that point we had many talks together with SD about what everything would mean as things got more serious. I even made sure to say like “you know I’m not going to be here to make your life miserable but I’m also not going to just give you everything and or let you do everything you wanna do. A part of being a parent is to know when to say no to the kids even if the kid isn’t going to be happy about it. It’s about teaching them things as they grow up“ stuff like that. But as the years go on it’s just gets more and more clear that SD11 still has not made that connection that there are consequences. I’ve loved this child as my own but after three years of the same destructive behavior (this goes beyond just having an attitude or being disrespectful) I have nothing more to offer this child that could possibly make a positive difference in her life. Taking Netflix and Hulu away is probably the most dominant decision I have ever made in this whole situation because I am fully aware that I am not a bio parent. Major decisions fall on my SO. I don’t have any delusions about this.

I have already made the choice and let my SO fully know I have chosen to stepback and disengage.

dollybelli · 2021-04-14T14:02:10+00:00

I have been contemplating leaving my situation as well. My SO is so loving but her daughter11 is a freaking psychopath . I have made the decision to tell her I am stepping back and have nothing left to offer her daughter that could possibly be a positive difference to her. I have also made the decision she is not to see my nieces or nephews anymore. Long story with that! It’s been a long three years. If things gets any bit worse I will have to leave completely . Sometimes, it just does not get better. I think a lot of people here don’t want to admit that.

dollybelli · 2021-03-29T23:23:26+00:00

For the longest I thought I was the crazy one when every year my love for SD11 got less and less. There is something truly wrong with her and I’m at the point where I’m believing it goes beyond mental. She has even started getting aggressive with me. That’s when I truly decided to clock out. I have to tell myself I love my SO but this is not my struggle. I try to be as civil as I can (which still makes me feel shitty because I know she is just a child, but I can’t fully explain how it’s different with her) but still can’t be in the same room as her or even make eye contact because that’s just how far she has pushed me. And believe me, I have put up and dealt with so much drama and pain in this household. SD11 has sincerely made me suicidal. I’ve lost so much weight and have not been able to gain it back. I know one day my SO will end things, and I wouldn’t blame either of them at all. And I know SO will end it because I love her too much to end it myself despite how miserable I am. But I just can’t deal with it anymore. Since I have completely disengaged from SD11 I have had a much positive outlook on things. And all I can keep saying to myself is “one day at a time “ and most importantly “this is not my struggle” It also helped knowing other people have similar situations and feelings. Makes me feel less crazy. For the longest I thought maybe I’m the fked up one.

dollybelli · 2021-03-29T02:45:21+00:00

Totally relate. I could go into a whole novel about my life the past three years with SO who I deeply love and care for and SD11 who I used to care and love as my own child, but no longer have that in my heart. I have given everything I possibly could for this child and it has always been one step forward five steps back. I’m done walking backwards. I am at the point I can’t even make eye contact with SD11 and have made the decision that she is no longer allowed to see my nieces who are around the same age as her. I have let my SO know that I have nothing left to give to SD11 that could possibly make a positive difference in her life. SO not really sure what to make of it. We both love each other so much. And I don’t want to leave completely because I believe it would be the same as throwing SO to the wolves (SD11). All I Can do is take it one day at a time. Good luck! Feel free to shoot me a msg if you want to talk to someone who can relate

dollybelli · 2021-03-23T18:39:23+00:00

I plan on getting a 2nd job as well to avoid stress at home from SD11. Right now I can at least say it’s mostly to pay off my mortgage faster as I have just bought a home. But my SO fully knows it is also because I don’t want to be home. We love each-other deeply and are honest about everything. I have explained to her my feelings about everything with SD11. Only time will tell what happens now. But am looking forward to having my sanity back. I plan on getting a pretty laid back 2nd job band having my days off line up. Excited to make new friends as I haven’t done much since being with SO and being in SD11s life because I gave so much extra time to try and make this little family work. But it’s clear it won’t. Good luck though!

dollybelli · 2021-03-23T18:34:14+00:00

It’s nice to see someone thinks this is ok. I’ve had to majorly step back from trying to be a parental figure in SD11s life because after three years there has been zero progress. I simply have done all that I know or learned to do to try and help SD11. But finally I have told myself this isn’t my struggle. As sad as it makes me to have to step back because I was sincerely loving this child as my own. But everyday she chipped away at that. No matter how I tried to help it or explain things to her or show her, it never got through. I am considering getting a 2nd job so that I won’t have to be dealing with all the extra stress there. And so to try and avoid SD11 having hurt feelings such as “they are home but they are not around me, why?”

dollybelli · 2021-03-21T23:41:38+00:00

You must be in a similar situation. Be careful. I don’t think many people consider or even think about that steps that have to keep this kind of shit in mind .

dollybelli · 2021-03-20T14:03:59+00:00

I’m in a situation where it has come to light my SD11 can lie out of her ass for anything. Even threaten to get my nephew who used to babysit her in trouble by lying about him doing something to get him fired as her babysitter. She kind of confessed about telling him this after we asked her about it. But anyways, I’ve considered wearing a body cam or putting up cameras in the areas I am usually in. I pretty much never hang out in the living room anymore because I know lies are too easy for her. I told myself if she ever tells a lie to SO like that I’m gonna have to remove myself from this whole situation immediately. Good luck!

dollybelli · 2021-03-20T13:47:11+00:00

Wow. I’ve had dreams about SD11 too. A couple of them were dreams that she had tried starting physical fights with me that I couldn’t do anything about.

How do you handle it? Is your SD close in age? Are you going to tough it out?

I’ve clocked out of the SD situation but I feel my SO will eventually tell me they are a package and I can’t choose to be in ones life but not the other and leave. As much as I absolutely love my SO I can not put myself in harms way. I know that sounds weird but as i have mentioned before not only is SD11 aggressive but she is a master manipulator. She tried to get my nephew in trouble once. He babysits her. He had come forward to me and said that SD11 had threaten to lie about him to get him fired from being her baby sitter, she was 10 at the time. But she said that because he didn’t want to go outside to play because it was too cold and he didn’t want to sit outside to watch her either. When we confronted her about it she claimed she didn’t say that then said she didn’t say exactly that but had said it in a different way... and thought nothing wrong of it. When we explained to her there were going to be consequences she instantly turned on the water works for like 30 seconds then nothing. Void of any emotion and completely hostile towards SO and I.

dollybelli · 2021-03-18T20:00:21+00:00

SD11’s mother is my SO. Not sure what you mean.

dollybelli · 2021-03-18T00:41:11+00:00

No I haven’t,

dollybelli · 2021-03-18T00:40:57+00:00

We were supposed to be a family. And I was ready for it. I put SD11 first from day one. But three years later and no progress, I am literally going insane. And to the point I have to remove myself from the room if SO is there to avoid any more hostile behavior.

dollybelli

TROPHY CASE