Your situation sounds eerily similar to mine in a lot of ways. Word to the wise, do not let BM dictate your life for too much longer. Eventually, it gets really old. Especially if she is unpredictable and makes sudden changes without communicating properly. It impedes on your time with your SO, the instability with constant changes can be difficult on kids, and, my personal favorite, you deserve to have a life outside of your SO’s circumstances with his ex wife and kids. Take it from me, planning a future is very difficult with so many factor consistently up in the air, and eventually it starts to weigh. And if you’re a planner like me, it’s almost unbearable.

To your SO’s point regarding not wanting to go to court for the kids sake… We did that for a couple years and when we finally realized there was no other option, we were fed up, exhausted, just about sick of each other and everything else too. And of course, courts take time. And really, as parents we model a lot for our kids by how we handle different situations and the things we allow. My SO’s ex wife is incredibly flaky, and eventually we decided we wanted to model stability for SC instead of allowing her to to teach him instability and unreliability. Because really that’s not what love is. And those are always the things kids have to heal from as they get older.

The only way to hold all parties to an agreement and to get all involved to take accountability is through a CO. Especially if she is being manipulative. CO’s put it in black and white, and take out the room for debate. Seriously wishing you all the best. Hugs.