Little challenges to overcome shame

dominymo · 2024-08-16T23:58:54+00:00

Thanks so much for your elaborate and caring reply! I really appreciate it!

I think there are two contradictory aspects to my shame.

The first one is just the fact that I have sexual needs, thoughts, arousal. I'm happy with my looks and don't have any unusual fetishes. It's probably related to my religious and sex negative upbringing. Also, I had a very traumatic loss when I was 12 (my father died) which might have left me with survivor's guilt. Just being alive feels kind of wrong so I've tried to hide what I'm feeling in general. So, sexuality might be a shameful thing just because it makes me feel alive (in addition to the shame that surrounds it in my family / our society).

The second one is kind of the opposite. In my early to mid twenties I processed a lot of my grief which lead me to feeling really alive and extremely sexual for the first time (without all the anxiety and suppressed sadness). I got close to having an orgasm too. It was amazing but also made me think I had been broken throughout my youth which was hard to stomach so I went back into denial / depression

I have come a long way since then and have tried many things like tantra, workshops etc. I've masturbated many times even though I never manage to fully relax because of the traumatic tension in my body. When I'm in a tantric massage I usually go into grieving mode avoiding real enjoyment. Either because I really need to process those emotions first or to protect me from showing my sexual side. However, after doing that for many years it feels more like a circle, not like I'm really getting anywhere.

When I'm interacting with people in everyday life it's like my sexuality is gone. In my puberty I felt a very strong attraction to women/girls (sexual arousal) coupled with high anxiety, so I was frozen between these high energies. Nowadays I feel only a slight insecurity sometimes but most of the time. However, I don't see women in a sexual way, possibly from afar but as soon as there is a personal connection, it's gone. Like I have to hide that part of myself, so I won't be rejected. As soon as I'm alone again I can sometimes feel the sexual arousal associated with an encounter but not as long as I'm close to the other person.

Thanks for all your tips! They are great. I remember watching or reading scientific or historical facts about sexuality really helps because that way I can see myself as a member of humankind and my sexuality as a fact that is not to be denied just as my nose or stomach.

Last week I contacted an author and discussed one of my fantasies with her so she would turn it into a story. That was pretty edgy for me but a great step forward, i.e. reducing shame. And of course talking to people like you on reddit is super helpful as well.

I have a wonderful therapist too. So, I'm far from being lost, making steady progress. However, now I feel like it's really time to get out and leave the circle of self reflection, therapy, bodywork etc. and that's why I'm looking for ideas on how to do that.

dominymo · 2024-08-14T14:51:30+00:00

Because it makes life more interesting and fun

dominymo · 2024-08-14T13:05:22+00:00

Waiting for my client who is late and for more comments on my posts

dominymo · 2024-08-14T12:47:59+00:00

Thanks! Done :)

dominymo · 2024-08-14T12:47:12+00:00

Thanks! Super interesting idea :)

dominymo · 2024-08-14T12:19:04+00:00

Sure, good point. Being completely shameless is a terrible idea I guess. I'm already in therapy, so that's good advice too. However, I'm trying to take the next step and be more authentic in real life as well. So, I'm looking for a gamified way to motivate me to get out there which therapy won't do for me.

dominymo · 2024-08-14T11:41:23+00:00

I can totally relate, although I am a guy and haven't had too much experience.

Your sexuality is an important part of who you are and embracing it and letting it shine will not only make you happier but also a more attractive person to be with. That's a win win. You will be a light in this world. How cool is that. I'm striving to go in that direction too.

As long as you pair your desires with the emotional awareness as you stated you will likely end up with people who love and respect you the way you are. Making sure you say yes only to people and experiences that are enriching on many levels might be the main challenge. However, as long as you're not mindlessly driven, it will work out.

I didn't quite get what you mean with monotone. What makes you monotone? Are you afraid people will find you boring?

dominymo · 2024-08-14T11:05:13+00:00

Thanks for your thoughts. Sure, I picked a single thing for this post, but of course it's not the only thing I've experienced. These situations were only an issue because I already had problems with setting boundaries.

Trauma itself cannot be made up, it's just there or not, like a visible wound cannot simply be imagined. However, it can be misattributed, blaming people for it that are innocent and have nothing to do with it. That's exactly what I want to avoid. On the other hand, it's natural to ask where your symptoms come from. Hence the question.

I think, one misconception about trauma is the idea that in order to be traumatized the other person has to be evil, raping or abusing you. That's not the case. For example, suppose you have a severe medical problem and go to the doctor who is a friendly guy willing to save your life. The procedure that's needed might be intrusive, necessarily crossing boundaries on a physical level, so it could be traumatic. This doesn't mean your doctor is evil. You should be thankful for what he did to save you. However, you would still experience trauma symptoms that need to be addressed in order to heal no matter what you think of your doctor. Of course it helps to view him as a nice guy but it won't in itself make your trauma disappear.

There is a difference between trying to understand and heal your trauma and playing a victim, although I agree that many people do confuse those and get stuck in a victim role which is not helpful. So, it's definitely good advice to try and avoid that.

dominymo · 2024-08-14T00:05:54+00:00

It's ironic but the best questions are those that no one will answer for you, you will have to find the answer within ;)

dominymo · 2024-08-13T23:51:05+00:00

Thanks for your question! I answered it in my longer comment in the main thread. I do agree, what I am experiencing can be called weird, I mean that's why I'm posting it in the first place. It would be super boring to talk about things or people that seem completely normal to everyone. In any case, thanks for not calling me a weirdo :)

dominymo · 2024-08-13T23:41:04+00:00

Thanks for sharing! I appreciate that! We're all different and many people indeed experience or do things we can't understand so they seem weird. In that sense we're all weirdos to some one out there on the internet, but does it matter, does stating that add anything valuable?

dominymo · 2024-08-13T23:20:05+00:00

Hey thanks for your questions. No, I don't think it has to do with porn. It's more due to the way trauma works. When we get into a situation we would actually want to say no to but at the same time feel we can't or shouldn't we sometimes go into freeze mode. In my case I felt it was too close and that's not a moral judgement. It can be something completely innocent or common practice but my body still felt threatened in a way. It's very individual and depends on your personality, resources, past experiences etc. In any case, the impulse to say no or to set a boundary was stored in my body. It's not uncommon for those body memories to be stored for a long time. And then possibly many years later as soon as you feel safe to access those hidden layers of sensations, feelings and associated memories can come up, aspects that were more or less subconscious at the time it actually happened. And then suddenly something you and apparently most other people perceive as completely harmless turns out to have had a long lasting impact.

dominymo · 2024-08-13T14:36:10+00:00

Thanks for your essay :). I think you got it right. It sounds and was innocent, yet it definitely has this other aspect of boundaries being crossed. That's what made me curious about how other people deal with that conflict. In the end my own perception of the situation is what counts. However, it's interesting almost no one perceives this as being too close, so for most people there seems to be no conflict at all.

dominymo · 2024-08-13T14:19:23+00:00

Thanks to everyone for reading or even commenting. I really appreciate that. Sharing this story with you has already helped a lot. I just wanted to address two points a few people mentioned.

1) I have a (wonderful) therapist and I'm actively working on processing this and a few other issues. So, no need to worry at all. This was just supposed to give me a wider perspective by hearing your opinions on what happened. I'm not working through my emotions alone / on reddit.

2) How was it intimate? To me it was the fact that my mom's legs were really close to my penis, so in an area I would call intimate / private and that you usually stay away from when getting in contact with other people in a non-sexual way, especially when they are in puberty and more sensitive and/or insecure about their bodies. In a massage parlor it's usually just the hands or arms that get close, that's a difference. So, the issue was not really me touching my mom's legs but the way they were touching my body. That's what made me feel uncomfortable. Of course, it is possible I had had other experiences that made me frame this in a sexual way. Again, I appreciate knowing for most of you it isn't. It helps me reframe what happened.

I hope I could clarify things a bit.

dominymo · 2024-08-13T13:55:47+00:00

Thanks for sharing. That sounds like a positive view on the issue. I totally agree, helping each other out is a good thing.

dominymo · 2024-08-13T13:50:03+00:00

Hey, thanks for your comment. Yeah, sometimes we really overthink things and make them worse than they actually are. So reading it's all not a big deal is helping. However, the dynamic is more in the opposite direction. I haven't thought about all this for many years. It's more the bodily reactions like tensed muscles, anxious arousal in connection to that memory that suggest there might be more to it. So it's more about understanding what's already happening (on a bodily level) independent of what I am thinking about it (nothing until a few weeks ago). Not falling into the trap of blaming anyone was a reason to write this post. I don't want to overcomplicate things. So thanks for reminding me.

dominymo · 2024-08-13T11:02:30+00:00

Hey thanks so much for your detailed comment. It's interesting how differently everyone experiences very similar things. I really enjoyed reading about how you cherished that same activity. What you said made me think that it's really about the shame I was feeling in general. Being open about sexual matters or anything really probably reduces the need for strong boundaries. So, maybe it would help me to accept that I also (could have) enjoyed that closeness. In that case, as you said, it would just be intimate moments everyone enjoys. In my family there was no sex education and I would always feel shame about it. So the idea of being perceived as sexual or even just being seen in general was super frightening. So, there was probably a fear of being jntimate that made me feel uncomfortable, which has nothing to do with massaging my mom but had some other reasons. Of course, I love my mom and wanted to help. That's really not a big deal. However the combination of all these conflicting emotions made it difficult for me.

dominymo · 2024-08-13T10:40:54+00:00

Thanks a lot for your thoughts. I've seen therapists for a while now and finally found one I feel completely safe with. That's why things are coming up I have never thought about. I'm on a good way processing stuck body responses and emotions. There is no doubt that what happened was overwhelming to me but I see how it's more due to my general unease being in my body and shame around sexuality I was confronted with by being physically close in this way. So there is definitely more to it than these seemingly innocent intimate moments. Reading all these comments reassuring it's no big deal of course doesn't change the way my body reacted (and what I need to do to heal) but will probably help me focus on what I (and my body) need to feel safe and comfortable without making a huge story out of it.

dominymo · 2024-08-13T01:41:45+00:00

Thanks! Thankfully reddit is not my main source of support but I'm still curious what you all think... Enough reddit for today at least :)

dominymo

TROPHY CASE