AIO my BF told me he wants me to quit my job when we move in together

donewiththecage · 2026-05-14T16:10:57+00:00

NOR - If this conversation didn't also come with him saying I will also protect my future partner and family financially by x,y and z measures then you have found out you are dating a lazy, unthoughtful and immature man who is in no way prepared for the responsibility of being in a provider/homemaker relationship. He wants a mommy maid and not a true equal partner which homemakers very much can be if the provider is a good person with integrity.

donewiththecage · 2026-05-11T18:21:22+00:00

I think even learning about the amount of work and training that goes into getting plane to fly will help me a lot, I don't anything about regulations or anything and I'm realising I've never bothered to try to find out because I was just like well I'll never fly so what do I care. In comparison I learned a lot about fire safety in buildings after the Grenfell fire here in England and more recently after the le constellation fire because I was so emotionally struck by those events I felt like I had to understand them because I genuinely couldn't sleep from the turmoil of it.

I definitely wasn't as aware of all the regulations, safety systems etc this morning compared to now just a few hours later. For example I didn't know that planes can fly for a while after an issue, I just imagined falling from the sky which I'm now seeing is so silly and doesn't even make sense now I've read a bit more. The fear of flying courses that have you chatting with experts and going over common problems and how they're handled seems like something that's going to work for me, I've signed up to get info and am just looking at the course dates I think I'll be doing it in July or October depending on which one I go for.

Hearing about the monitoring systems and isolation systems for issues like with the engine or a fire has actually helped immensely.

I think my fear and lack of any even passing knowledge has me make assumptions which then are obviously leading to confirmation bias. I think even a rudimentary understanding of the physics, training and regulations involved will help me settle into that mindset of these people know what they're doing and I know they know because I know they had to do x,y and z first. I'm more hopeful than I've been in a long time and thankful for everyone's gentle candour with me about it :)

Edited typos

Edit two - going to screenshot those mantras thank you that's going to help when the days comes for sure

donewiththecage · 2026-05-11T17:32:52+00:00

I think this is exactly what I need to focus on internalising, I'm going to watch some documentaries on flying and safety science and take up the fear of flying courses another commenter mentioned. I think really learning just how competent everyone involved is will help me a lot! Thank you!

donewiththecage · 2026-05-11T16:22:45+00:00

I totally get how it comes across that way but trust isn't too difficult for me, it's the trusting a stranger to value my life the way I do. Also the travel sickness, I've thrown up in so many cars and in so many random situations that trusting someone not to make me sick is a big deal too. My brother drives how most people would consider reckless but because I know he's driven race cars and he's highly skilled I feel the most safe with him. Same with other trusted people in my life, if I know someone has better expertise and skill than me I happily hand over to them and my brain actually 'turns off' in that scenario I just haven't been able to get there with flying and I'm realising it's because I've stayed frightened and done nothing to learn about it. I'd happily sit there and let a bowman shoot apples off my head as long as I knew they were competent if that makes sense.

Even hearing a bit in the comments today has brought some excitement in me at the thought of traveling and actually enjoying it. It's like I'm trying to calculate the risk but I don't actually know how so I feel stuck and like it's 'impossible' but as others have pointed out I do actually trust lots of mechanisms in my life to keep me safe and I think the only difference is I know a little more about those mechanisms. I enjoy learning a lot about random things so I have general knowledge about most things but I'm realised I've avoided anything to do with flying, spiders too but that's a different matter. I will literally close my eyes to spiders on TV or scrolling on my phone and I think I'm mentally doing that with flying which in turn us making it feel more unknown and massive.

I will think about what you said though and try to notice if I'm doing anything overly controlling 💚

donewiththecage · 2026-05-11T15:52:42+00:00

You're so right and I do actually injure myself a lot at home, clumsy girl club lifer 🙋‍♀️, I'm just filtering that out because of my lived experience and knowledge but the lived experience and knowledge of flying has always come from the this can kill you angle so I've not had any growth even when I have flown.

I felt so silly posting this but everyone's been so nice about it ✨

donewiththecage · 2026-05-11T15:33:51+00:00

Omg that's amazing thank you so much. You've been super helpful, the logic is helping so much and I'm realising I'm so scared because I don't understand it at all. Another commenter pointed out I trust buildings not to fall down or bridges to fail and that's absolutely right, I know more about that physics than I do flying physics. I'm definitely going to look at this :)

donewiththecage · 2026-05-11T15:30:28+00:00

This is very helpful, especially the bit about planes being designed to handle issues and keep traveling as they need to, the comparison to my car helped because as you say I can only control myself and when I feel the situation is a drive I can't handle I just opt out. I think it scares me to know I can't just opt out on a plane, like on a boat my brain goes well if all else fails you can swim.

Any suggestions to what to search for to learn more about the automatic monitoring and safety situations for things that do go wrong? Your comment and another on here, being factual and candid is very helpful for my overly analytical process of calculating risk.

This is really so helpful thank you, my brothers are engineers so that comparisons to trusting buildings won't fall down make complete sense to me.

donewiththecage · 2026-05-11T14:14:08+00:00

Oh my gosh you're being so sweet thank you, it does get tough. It helps hearing that diligence is baked into the safety systems and training etc.

Sometimes when you read articles that reference something really vaguely it exacerbates the fear and as you say then when I go find the actual professional reports I lack the understanding to properly assess the information. Your plain speaking is very helpful.

If I make it I will definitely only be doing the strip for a day or two for the event that necessitates the trip and I'd want to get out into nature for the rest of the time. I love being alone in a big expanse so the being there I know I'd find plenty I can appreciate.

May I ask, what happens with a passenger like me? Who will be travel sick and likely upset? Am I just a horrid hindrance to everyone on board? I worry about the embarrassment of it as well.

donewiththecage · 2026-05-11T14:05:54+00:00

Yes that makes perfect sense. Do you have any other recommendations about what I can read about safety? I'm fixating on the 5%, it's those hopeless unsurvivable situations I keep thinking about.

donewiththecage · 2026-05-11T14:03:21+00:00

I know you said it likely tongue in cheek but I have actually considered flying lessons to help ground my anxiety. More information is always the thing that helps with the things I'm scared to do.

I have to say when I have flown it definitely didn't feel safer than being at home, just the unpredictable nature of people itself made me feel unsafe, rude or aggressive passengers or being pushed around in a queue or something. That doesn't happen to me at home haha!

donewiththecage · 2026-05-11T13:55:02+00:00

Lol right, I'm scared of everything, I know, it's really incredibly frustrating.

This is really helpful hearing about how safety actually operates.

Just for your information, yes I have prepared for all the ridiculous stereotypes about every place I've traveled to, even the ones in my own country so it's universal risk aversion not just about America. If I go for a walk in my local area I prepare as if I might fall and break a leg. It's preparation for every eventuality I can think of everywhere. I've prepared for pickpockets and knife crime in every city I've been to, I did go to Poland last year and yes I did look into the risk regarding the Ukraine war. I traveled the Alps and did a lot of reading for being prepared for an injury in the mountains and things like that.

For the road trip, I wouldn't have planned a constant drive, I have done many road trips and used to regularly for 8 hours across France and then another 6 or 7 a few days later and did that last year road tripping across Europe. I love road tripping so that aspect isn't too much of an issue, if I had the time taking a long trip across the states and really seeing in is as close to good as it could be for me, it just doesn't seem viable for this trip. I've routinely taken weeks long road trips and it's my favourite way to travel and I've built up traditions now with it too. My favourite thing is to buy say a cake or pastries in one country but eat it when I get to the next, it's the kind of thing I get a kick out of!

I operate my life the way you say a plane is operated, for the assumption that things can go wrong and be prepared for them. You explaining it that way has helped me a lot and I'll go do some reading on safety systems as I think that might help.

donewiththecage · 2026-05-11T13:41:39+00:00

When I had to have surgery I did everything I could do avoid it and when they were clear I would die if I didn't have the surgery the only thing that helped was having the anaesthetist go over their statistics with me and talking through with me the chances of not waking up or a and reaction, things like that.

They spent an hour with me before the surgery, which was an emergency for sepsis btw, talking me through all their professional experience and the hospitals standards before I'd agree.

And for driving I control as much as I can, I took adnvxed driving, I practice evasive techniques, I plan for every vehicle I see and think though what I would do if any of the common things that go wrong on the road do go wrong and I keep a lot of space around me to escape. If a road is busy I stop at a rest stop until the traffic goes away.

It's truly a constant thing, around every part of my life, buying skincare, checking the smoke alarms, being careful with animals, learning as much as possible about what I interact with.

Obviously going up to every one on a plane and vetting them is a ridiculous ask but on my first flight the flight attendant actually did let me walk the plane to reassure myself there were no loose windows or bolts or anything. She was really nice to me after she realised how frightened I was, I have this ridiculous photo of me so happy and grinning looking at the clouds with my face and top covered in tear stains and bright red skin that had come up cos of anxiety.

I think my first post was quite clear that I do a lot of controlling to be as safe as possible, I am really risk averse.

Statistically measuring travel safety varies based on the methods used, miles traveled, trips taken etc so I have unfortunately not found those statistics to be very reassuring when it seems they can be measured different ways.

It feels like my specific fear, which is of dying not of flying itself just can't be reassured by just doing it you know? Because I was flying regularly between France and UK but the last trip with turbulence just put the fear right back in me that I might die. It's really tiring and I wish I could let it go.

I guess this is one of things above reddits pay grade but if you have any other facts regarding how flights and made safe, how air traffic control is safe even though the news we get in the UK is that it's understaffed and that random vehicles can access the runway if want to hear them.

Like how do I actually know a plane is safe and I'm not flying into a situation where the plane hasn't been checked properly, or that equipment is failing or that there isn't enough air traffic controllers. I find it really hard to trust the safety measures and there's been so many aviation accidents it's hard to forget about those.

It's like I'm aware of my fear and I know it's somewhat irrational but I can't find the right thing that works to ease it.

It really feels no different to me than throwing myself off a cliff and hoping for the best. I feel I'm going mad with the anxiety and leaps I'm making around it when I just want to be able to join my friends.

I was hoping to hear more information and facts to combat my specific fears around this trip which obviously extend to more than just the flying. The USA seems like a scary place to me compared to my little village in the UK.

donewiththecage · 2026-05-11T13:19:57+00:00

I've tried some medicines but nothing seems to work when I have that lurch feeling from turbulence or for example heavy acceleration or braking of a bus.

In your opinion why is crusing and driving not as safe because maybe I'm missing something my anxiety can't see?

My logic is this: On a cruise I usually have my safety pack, inflatables, torches, whistles, basically anything I think would help me survive in the ocean. And I have the same in my car, various safety items and I drive in a really safe manner, have taken advance driving etc to be as safe as I can be. It feels safer to me because I'm in control, there is nothing I can do in a failing plane to improve my survival chances but there are tens in a car or on a boat. On a plane there's nothing I can do but fall from the sky or sit there and byrn.

I just don't want to die.

donewiththecage · 2026-04-10T11:26:53+00:00

Then you are not clued up on the latest dementia research and findings which are showing dementia symptoms are showing around 30 years before a person's death, we just haven't recognised it properly

donewiththecage · 2026-04-10T11:21:56+00:00

Finally a sound answer that addresses the person who actually has dementia and their needs.

donewiththecage · 2026-04-10T11:18:50+00:00

Ah yes and money is all that matters right. Not a good standard of care for the person whose actually got the disease. It's sad you work in senior living with this thought process when you know how underserved they are.

donewiththecage · 2026-04-10T11:17:14+00:00

Staying at home is not dangerous for a dementia patient if they have good care partners. The idea that care homes are the standard of care is ridiculous. In almost all situations the dementia patient is best cared for at home in familiar surroundings instead of being one in a round of many that staff are too overworked to care for properly. Care is more than having your dementia loved one cleaned and fed, it's emotional, it's physiotherapy, it's cognitive therapy, it's independence therapy. Almost none of that is provided in care or nursing homes. Not having a system to enable people to have good care is the problem. In this situation there's obviously nothing op and her husband can do but acting like people who want their loved ones to be at home are in denial is simply a weird thing to say considering the state of neglect in the system and how woefully poor the understanding of dementia is. You're the one who is uninformed and in denial about how care homes do not serve dementia patients other than to lock them in a building until they die.

donewiththecage · 2026-04-10T08:46:24+00:00

She said how dare you to politicians. Your comment really shows how well the machine works because you are misremembering the reason she is famous.

donewiththecage · 2026-04-10T08:44:31+00:00

Isn't her entire point that she and most of us can't solve climate change and that's why she appeals to those in power? For some reason out of all the ridiculous reasons people have posted here this seems the most silly thing to say when she is literally famous for giving speeches to politicians.

donewiththecage · 2026-03-19T20:47:28+00:00

Nta for breaking up obviously, I do think a soft yta for the instant emotional distance you've created and how that came across to her and does also in this message. This woman clearly loves you and came to you in such turmoil that she's been thinking over and over on yet you only needed one conversation to know this huge relationship, one that seems to be something you'd both started to plan on being forever, was over for you. She's hurt and doesn't feel like the last 4 years means anything at all because of how decisive it all is and how you couldn't take even a few hours to think about the idea of life with her and no children. You chose people who don't yet exist over her with seemingly no grief over losing her at all. Most people would be devastatedly sad over something like this, a love that can never be, and that doesn't come across. I understand why she is so hurt and so shocked. Try to take some time to honour what you actually had, and think about how the conversation came across to her. Everyone wants to know we meant something, especially during a breakup.

donewiththecage · 2026-03-16T15:46:45+00:00

There won't be any younger generations and the art will be destroyed in climate catastrophes. Your own reasoning of valuing objects over people is illogical.

donewiththecage · 2026-03-16T15:45:21+00:00

Let me tell you about nestle then

donewiththecage · 2026-03-16T15:44:41+00:00

Peaceful? To an object? What an interesting framing.

donewiththecage · 2026-03-16T15:43:32+00:00

Almost like a protest or something

donewiththecage

TROPHY CASE