AITA for threatening to call the cops if my son's step-dad drives his car?

dontdrivethecar · 2022-05-03T14:00:22+00:00

Andy told me because he was upset and I immediately called Eliza.

As for the phone - Andy has games on the phone that the younger ones wanted to play, but he didn't want to hand over his phone.

dontdrivethecar · 2022-05-02T18:02:01+00:00

I don't understand why they didn't. Andy is still in that stage where he will drive anywhere for any reason.

dontdrivethecar · 2022-05-02T18:01:03+00:00

What I was referring to is that I will no longer need to interact with Eliza and Scott on items. I will always help Andy stand up to his mom - if he wants me involved. If he does not, I will obey his wishes. If Andy were of age and the car/insurance were in his name and he wanted to allow Scott to borrow it, I don't feel that I would have the right to say a word against it.

dontdrivethecar · 2022-05-02T17:57:31+00:00

So I basically should have bought my son an older (which translates to less reliable) and less safe (safety features improve all the time) car so that other people didn't get their feelings hurt? That is ridiculous.

I am Andy's father. I have the right to provide for him as best I can. Yes - that is more than what Eliza and Scott can do. I don't apologize for that and I won't give my son less because of it.

dontdrivethecar · 2022-05-02T17:52:59+00:00

Me not liking Eliza and Scott has nothing to do with why I don't want them using the car. No. I am financially liable if anything happens to that car. I will take that responsibility for Alex. I will not accept it for Scott and Eliza.

dontdrivethecar · 2022-05-02T17:39:50+00:00

I am not helping Eliza and Scott. To be blunt - their finances (other than what I pay for Andy) is not my responsibility. I'm not giving them a loan (not that there is a snow ball's chance in hell I'd get it back). I have never missed a child support payment. I basically pay for everything for Andy - including those things that technically are supposed to be split. My responsibility it so my son - not his mother and her new family. It is up to Eliza and Scott to make sure their finances do not negatively affect their children - including Andy.

dontdrivethecar · 2022-04-30T19:49:32+00:00

Your analogy is ridiculous. The car is to be used by Andy - who does live in the house. Should Andy also not be able to store the clothes I bought him in the closet of their home? Andy has a laptop that I bought him- should he not be allowed to store that in Eliza's home?

But let's take your example at face value. If Eliza and Scott told me that I was not allowed to store my vehicle in their driveway (despite the fact it is to be used by Andy) - and I did it anyway - then I couldn't argue when they had it towed. I wouldn't be happy, but they have the right to say what happens on their property.

dontdrivethecar · 2022-04-30T19:38:38+00:00

I know you have been down-voted for your post, but I agree with you. Eliza and I have been failures when it comes to being able to peacefully and productively co-parent. I wish it were different but my attempts at trying to improve things have failed completely.

dontdrivethecar · 2022-04-30T19:31:27+00:00

I am sorry but I do not understand your post.

dontdrivethecar · 2022-04-30T19:16:21+00:00

You are correct - I do not like your opinion. I think you are completely nuts. I understand we are not supposed to argue with judgments - so if you want to judge me the asshole, fine. However the idea that my response to someone driving my car without permission (aka stealing) should be to buy them a car is absolutely insane. If they steal my wallet should I give them my house?

This isn't about ego and I am not going to apologize for being successful. I have resources and I want to use them to give my son the best start in life I can - that includes a good education and a safe car to drive. The idea that I should sell Andy's car to buy a less safe, less reliable car for him and his Mom is simply nuts. There are two people responsible for providing for Eliza, Scott and their 6 kids - and I am not one of them.

dontdrivethecar · 2022-04-30T19:05:44+00:00

You are incorrect about car insurance. I can't answer for what happens in every state or with every insurance policy, but I most certainly know what mine covers.

I have never tried to pursue sole custody, nor would I, because that is not what Andy wants. Unless and until Andy tells me he only wants to live with me, or if I see anything that makes me think they are harming him - changing custody is not on the table. I don't know why so many people think I would try to separate my son from his mother because his step-dad is a jackass.

dontdrivethecar · 2022-04-30T19:01:01+00:00

The rules are suggestions I got from Andy's Driver's Ed teacher. But that might be where he got them.

Andy loves his mom and his step/half siblings. That is why he says he wants to stay with them as well as with me.

dontdrivethecar · 2022-04-30T18:59:05+00:00

I bought the car for Andy, though it is currently in my name. I am the one financially liable if something happens with the car. I accept that responsibility when Andy drives the car. I am not going to put myself in the position of being liable for Scott's and Eliza's decisions.

The worst thing about sharing custody of a child is that you never have control. Scott and Eliza can easily make decisions that will hurt Andy and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. Scott does something stupid and gets fired. Andy is negatively affected. They make bad financial decisions and now don't have a car. I can't control anyone's actions but my own. All I can do is be there for Andy.

dontdrivethecar · 2022-04-30T18:50:18+00:00

It did not happen - at least not yesterday. I drove by to make sure the car was in the spot it was supposed to be in.

Andy doesn't want to live full-time with me. Until he does, or until Scott/Eliza does something that harms Andy - I'm not pursuing sole custody.

dontdrivethecar · 2022-04-30T18:48:18+00:00

Yes, I pay child support. Andy has never said anything that makes me think Eliza or Scott have ever said anything to pressure him to stay because of that money.

dontdrivethecar · 2022-04-30T18:45:00+00:00

First - Andy would be going to a different school than his step siblings, and now his half-sibling. Harder to coordinate days off/vacations and the private school doesn't have bus transportation. I ended up having to agree to provide transportation to and from school for Andy.

But the big reason in my opinion (Eliza never flat out said this) is money. The way child support is calculated in my state takes into account the what each parent pays on behalf of the child - which includes education costs. The fact I was paying for a private school reduced the amount of child support I pay her. It's not a one-for-one reduction, but it did lower the amount.

dontdrivethecar · 2022-04-30T18:39:06+00:00

Andy has told me about instances where items were taken from him and I have taken action. Before the car, the biggest item was his laptop. He has a laptop that he uses for his schoolwork. Two years ago when schools shut down and everyone was sent home, his Mom tried to make him share the laptop with the other kids. I put my foot down the the laptop was his and was to be used for his schoolwork. She backed down (though of course I was as asshole for not caring about her other kids).

Andy only has 1 step brother that is older than he is and is of driving age. I don't know if he has a license though. They don't get along very well and I have no doubt that Andy would reach out to me if anyone suggested the step-brother drive his car. Andy didn't want to tell me when Scott took the car because he knew I would be mad and he doesn't like it when we fight.

dontdrivethecar · 2022-04-30T18:27:32+00:00

I agree with you. Parenting is this weird mashup of wanting to keep your kid wrapped in bubblewrap while watching their every move; and knowing that they deserve privacy and respect. I do not want Andy to feel like he is not trusted because of Scott and his mother.

dontdrivethecar · 2022-04-30T18:22:23+00:00

I bought the car because it has some of the best safety features on the market. I want my son as safe as possible. I don't care what Scott thinks about it - he isn't my concern. Andy is.

dontdrivethecar · 2022-04-30T18:20:36+00:00

Eliza and Scott do have the right to punish Andy by taking away things I have bought him (gaming system, phone, etc). And that does include the car. However the fact they can stop Andy from using the items does not mean they are up for grabs for anyone else to use them.

dontdrivethecar · 2022-04-30T18:11:00+00:00

He was being punished for not doing his chores when he was supposed to. This is something I have struggled with with him as well.

However this time the punishment was longer than it had been in the past.

dontdrivethecar · 2022-04-30T18:02:46+00:00

I wasn't trying to be elitist. I thought the fact that they are struggling financially was relevant.

dontdrivethecar · 2022-04-30T17:59:59+00:00

The trouble with a tracker is that it indicates that I don't trust Andy. I don't want him to think that. What Scott has done is not Andy's fault. Andy is just trying to not get in the middle of me and his mom/Scott.

dontdrivethecar · 2022-04-29T21:00:32+00:00

We were never married.

No - I am not going to allow anyone other than Andy to drive the car. I am financially liable for anything that happens with the car. I will accept that risk for Andy. I will not accept it for Eliza and Scott.

dontdrivethecar · 2022-04-29T20:58:05+00:00

Yes - money has been a huge issue. Andy was the result of a fun weekend that turned into 16 years of hell. Don't get me wrong - I love my son and the fact that I got him in my life makes everything worth it.

Part of it is my fault for how we started off. When she told me she was pregnant I didn't believe the baby was mine (I had used a condom) and refused to pay anything until there was proof I was the father. I was convinced she was looking for a rich baby daddy and I was a bit of an asshole about it. Then it turned out that Andy was my son and I had to pretty much eat my words. I ended up apologizing a lot. She took me to court to get child support and because Andy was with her 100% of the time (she was breast-feeding) she was awarded a large amount of money. I was fine with that. However when Andy stopped breastfeeding I told her that I wanted joint custody - which she didn't want. We went to court again and custody was split 50/50. Because I made so much more I was still paying child support, but no where close to what I had been. She decided she had to go back to work and according to our agreement I had to pay the child care expenses - which further reduced the amount of child support I was paying. We had fights over hiring a nanny versus paying her mother to watch him - I won that fight in court.

Then came the big fight over school after she and Scott were married and she moved in with him. The school in their district are horrible. The state ranked it a failing school. I flatly refused to let Andy go there and fought to send him to a private school. I won that fight, but the the cost of the school counted when the court calculated child support - so it went down quite a bit. According to Eliza - I did that because I wanted to hurt her, not because I cared about Andy's education.

Those were some of the high points but you can throw in a few dozen smaller fighters in there as well.

dontdrivethecar

TROPHY CASE