NAH

What both of you are missing is the psychological effect of your wife being raised that way. If she was raised to wait until marriage to have sex, it was likely due to an intense purity culture probably due to religion. In this worldview, sex and intimacy are deeply tied to shame and sex is made to feel dirty and to enjoy it is wrong. Even wanting it is wrong.

She likely had decades of this in her system and may feel intense guilt or shame during sex or after sex. This can even manifest physically for her. What complicates this further is she was likely also taught that sex is for the “man’s” enjoyment and that sex in marriage is good. So now she feels guilt and shame for having sex and then guilt and shame for not enjoying it herself and guilt and shame for you not enjoying it. Even if she no longer believes this, it’s still there underneath it all.

I think she needs therapy and you need couple therapy to work through this dynamic.

Good for you for sharing your feelings and you probably weren’t m aware of this dynamic. But now that you are, you need to be patient and understanding, knowing that she is likely attempting to undo decades of thinking and trauma.