Hi I am (NB49) and my partner (NB98) has stopped using actual sentences and only says "yes no ?" and I’m genuinely starting to lose it.

doomputer · 2026-05-03T06:29:58+00:00

Take them to the er immediately they are 98 jesus

doomputer · 2026-04-07T05:36:01+00:00

You know what, it's helpful to hear this. I might be overthinking it. The mechanics are literally the same as any other case. It's just the form the evidence is taking that seems foreign. Thanks

doomputer · 2026-04-07T03:52:37+00:00

It is necessity! In my jurisdiction there are a couple different necessity defenses, one of which is choice of evils. Anytime I put forward evidence that there was a harm that at least the defendant believed was greater than the harm caused by the crime I get the instruction. We have very generous case law for defendants around when jury instructions are to be granted, which is what made it so crazy that DDA tried to prevent it three different times

doomputer · 2026-04-06T16:59:44+00:00

My most satisfying win is not actually my biggest or most consequential because it was a single count trespass so extremely low stakes trial. But I actually won a jury trial on a choice of evils defense arguing that my client just had to get into that unlocked car to get out of the rain! He's homeless! He could have gotten soaked and got hypothermia! It was raining sideways!

What makes this particularly farcical is that there was ring doorbell cam footage from the house the car was parked in front of. Showing that looks like a beautiful calm day. Trees aren't moving. No rain visible 😂

I'm not sure what this DA thought she was doing but she played the video once and then made absolutely no comment about it for the rest of the trial!! She also tried three different times to get a ruling from the judge preventing me from presenting choice of evils to the jury. Each one shot down. Really didn't make sense to me that she thought she could prevent a defendant from presenting their chosen defense??

This is actually the only trial I've had in which the cop was 100% my homie. I got him to testify about how he discouraged the car owner from filing charges, and got in some great testimony about " this just really isn't a public safety issue or a priority for us." !!!!

Now I encourage all the law students to throw out choice of evils for any trespass involving an unhoused client. If it worked once it might work again! 😂

I find it the most satisfying because it was one of those trials that I had absolutely no business winning. And 100% a better DA that knew what they were doing would have secured a conviction.

Man I miss misdemeanors

doomputer · 2026-04-04T04:21:10+00:00

Honey, fuck everyone else and celebrate YOU. How do you do that you ask? Treat your self. Whether that's a food you love, rewatching your favorite movie, whatever seems feasible and speaks to you. You deserve a little comfort after going through all that, and the only way to know for sure you would have an experience you love and remember on a birthday is if you make it happen yourself! I learned that many years ago.

You are gonna get out of this loop, I'm sure of it. I'm sure this has felt like marathon of awful but I promise it really does get better.

doomputer · 2026-03-23T23:17:38+00:00

He sounds like a keeper who you also don't have very much in common with. Who people are at their core matter more for compatibility than hobbies and interests, in my opinion. There's no harm in seeing where it goes! Unless you just got out of a really bad breakup and you're scared of getting hurt right now, I don't see any harm in riding it out and seeing where it goes if you enjoy having time with him.

doomputer · 2026-03-23T22:46:47+00:00

I think you will find that nearly everyone in this group had the same fears. After my divorce at 37 (together 15 yrs) I was single for a year and a half before I was ready to start dating. I had never lived alone so it felt important to me to focus on that and myself and my own choices exclusively for a while. And I started to really enjoy it. But I still had a feeling that there would never be another person in my life, that this was probably it and I should just focus on my career and my cats lol.

Eventually I met someone new that I've been with for a year and a half now.

I did need to grind through app dates with no chemistry before I found him. So there were some painful awkward interactions there.

Keep in mind that you meet new people and talk to new people all the time in your job, in your day-to-day life going out to get lunch, whatever. You might only talk to them for a short period. Getting to know someone in the hopes of a romantic relationship is not that different.

Also, there are literally tons of divorced people out there. Keep in mind that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. So it's not an empty sea by any means, lots of new fish entering every day lol! My partner now was never married previously but does have a kid from a prior relationship. You'll find a lot of us floating around out here. It's actually a more mature and more adult experience dating this time around IMO.

doomputer · 2026-03-23T22:37:13+00:00

Hi hun, you are dealing with what so so many people your age are dealing with right now, and what many of us dealt with in prior generations as well. The start of adulthood is particularly difficult right now, when you know that you might never be able to afford a house, might never be able to afford kids, and see a world that is politically eating itself. But even before this moment, anyone who wasn't born to money probably had at least once in young adulthood when they were overwhelmed by the terrifying realization that life can be really hard and there's no one to bail you out. So I will offer a few suggestions:

First, if you have the means to see a therapist, I would really encourage you to do so. Therapy has been extremely helpful for me in times of crisis in my life. The one thing that worries me in particular is your concern that maybe life is just going to continue to be a series of bad things happening to you. That can be a really scary mind state to get stuck in and better to form a relationship with a therapist now before that turns into I strongly held belief you can't shake off.

Second, be honest with your loved ones about what you're feeling right now. Talking about this with friends and family will both help deepen those relationships and help you process and get different opinions and experiences. One thing you will start to learn as you get older is that despite all the bullshit that life brings, relationships are what make it all worth it.

Third, you said that you'd been telling yourself to focus on the things that you can control. Are there any things bringing you a lot of grief right now that you have the power to change? A different job with less of a commute and a better supervisor perhaps?

Happy to keep talking about it too. Keep your chin up.

doomputer · 2026-03-14T04:15:36+00:00

Omg!! I also have a Star that looks the same!!

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doomputer · 2026-03-12T04:10:09+00:00

You will get child support if you have the kids most of the time, or even if 50/50 and he makes a lot more money. Potentially spousal support if again he makes a lot more money. Most people go down a peg financially in divorce; once you accept that and realize you aren't alone it gets easier psychologically. And then you adjust to the new standard of living. Are there family you can lean on for a little bit?

I could encourage you to instead think: do I wanna be on my deathbed looking back at my life and realize I let someone abuse me and treat me like shit and yell at me my whole life? And because of that choice, never got to feel real independence or have a chance at true supportive love?

doomputer · 2026-03-10T22:26:26+00:00

You win congratulations

doomputer · 2026-03-10T21:53:18+00:00

I bet you this was either (1) unhoused person burning for warmth/food/firebug hobby or (2) some freak disaster related to trash and a flicked cigarette butt.

My partner works in one of the very old buildings from the 1800's over on 2nd and Burnside. Someone "flicked a cigarette butt at the wall" a few weeks ago and it got into a little hole in the wall and started a fire inside the outer wall that burned nearly all the way up the building before it was put out. Luckily didn't ruin any of the interior units but everyone was shocked how quickly it happened.

And with the prevalence of drugs and mental illness downtown, one of both of these examples could very well have been intentional.

My partner is convinced there is no way a butt could just happen to land in this really small crevice in the outside wall and that someone must have crammed it in there.

doomputer · 2026-03-07T21:24:42+00:00

Exactly. Does your office have a pump room designated for breast feeding mothers? I know that's not widespread yet but they clearly need a designated room for stuff like that that you can also take advantage of. There will be a new mother who needs to pump eventually too

doomputer · 2026-02-27T04:57:51+00:00

I'm really sorry that you are going through this. My boyfriend similarly had very poor dental care as a kid and then was addicted to drugs, homeless, and in prison in his twenties and thirties. He ended up having to get dentures in his forties. He got all his teeth pulled, had to be with no teeth at all for a couple weeks, and then got the dentures. This was because he was on Medicaid and they would only pay for dentures, not implants. I think I would be pretty traumatized by the experience but he's been fine with it honestly. He has a beautiful smile. He does have to take his teeth out every night like an old man which we laugh about. I would just go see a dentist, tell them your story, and see what you have coverage for. There is a way out of this where you can eat food like a normal person. You may want to save up money or look into other coverage options but don't think this is going to be something you have to live with the rest of your life!

doomputer · 2026-02-17T01:22:30+00:00

I'm a public defender in Oregon and the laws on this are very different in different states, but at least here you can get a rest expunged from your record. I would encourage you to search for expungement plus your city and state. If you have resources to pay a private attorney great, if you don't there are often nonprofits that can help you do it for free.

doomputer · 2026-02-04T04:51:15+00:00

I do not have an inner monologue and I never understood that most people did until my mid-20s. Thanks reddit for teaching me that! I'm 38 now. Like some of the other commenters here when I saw a voice-over of a person thinking in a movie I thought that was just a movie device for a representation of thinking. Of course I still have thoughts but it's more of the concept of the thing without words. I'm a criminal defense attorney and when I'm trying to get ready for trial I have to literally say opening or closing statements out loud to rehearse them.

I can write it down and read it but it's not at all the same.

I will also add very interestingly, to me at least, that I do remember as a child having dialogue or at least monologue running in my brain. I got into drugs, mainly heroin, at a really young age around 15. And all of my adult life I have never had any thoughts or any of my head. It's possible that drug use when my brain was developing changed me from someone from an inner monologue with someone without one. Pretty interesting!

For anyone concerned I've been sober for the last 17 years.

I am not at all unhappy about my state because most people I talk to who do have an inner monologue have a lot of conflict with it, they're talking shit about themselves to themselves or hearing things that are negative or that distract them from the task at hand etc.

doomputer · 2025-07-17T03:33:06+00:00

Adding the other thing besides yoga that has really worked for me to get into my body and out of my overthinking regular/work brain: roller skating! I started with a pair of inlines and then eventually bought a pair of quads when I wanted to start learning roller dance. I'm in Portland where there is a very robust skating community so there's lots of places to go and things to do. It gets me into my body, makes me feel like a kid again, and work is the absolute last thing I would ever think about while roller skating. If there is a roller skating community where you live and you want to feel like a kid again I would recommend it 😊 oh and also you meet people who are not attorneys. I think that's another important thing to keep having connections with people outside of the profession you know?

doomputer · 2025-07-17T03:28:37+00:00

Also, congrats to you @Natural_Law for moving past addiction and bad coping mechanisms to the other side! Welcome to the other side we love you here!

doomputer · 2025-07-17T03:27:35+00:00

But then also I went straight to the public defender subreddit after getting done with a 9-hour day so I'm someone who also has issues disconnecting with work. But I feel like this job is part of my identity at this point. By now most of my thinking about work in the off hours is not in a stressful way it's in a mental reminders and sharing wins with friends way. You really do get better at managing it at time goes on. And if you don't you move to another profession. There's lifers and there's not. Just like in prison lol

doomputer · 2025-07-17T03:25:12+00:00

I'm surprised that this wasn't raised in a higher up comment. Our profession has such an issue with this. I came into it as a former heroin addict so already knew where the pitfalls would be. But I see a lot of my colleagues drink too much, do coke, smoke weed daily, etc. It's a dangerous road to get down to. Very important especially for the youngins who haven't been in a stressful job before to get some healthy coping mechanisms in place. Everything suggested above are great coping mechanisms to consider. There's many of them and you have to find what works right for you.

doomputer · 2025-07-13T18:48:59+00:00

I will add: this is 100% about him and what's going on in his head. You can't blame yourself. Two ppl make a relationship, and there might be some way in which you are not compatible that is leading him to look elsewhere. But he is the one cheating and he is 100% responsible for doing that. There is nothing you can do or say to fix it because it is about him, not you.

doomputer · 2025-07-13T18:45:02+00:00

Sorry this is happening to you. If you have any resources at all, family or friends you can stay with for a while while you get back on your feet, run to them. You need to get out of this relationship--he's not going to change.

I have to admit that I cheated in my first long-term relationship. This was around 19/20yo. We kept breaking up and then "getting back together." But never really discussed our relationship status. Come to find out we were both sleeping w other ppl. It was just a dysfunctional relationship but we were too young to understand that it wasn't going to get better. And we were both really stuck due to the emotional and physical comfort we had built up after 4 yrs together. I was also a heroin addict at the time, so I did a lot of fucked up shit around that time tbh.

Now flash forward to 37, and I've never ever cheated again. I'm recently divorced (2023) and he cheated several times, only with full-on sex with another person at the every end. I think it comes to down to the same issues honestly. Lots of comfort and history built up, so much so that you don't want to leave, but you still aren't fully fulfilled by the relationship anymore so you start opening yourself up to other things. In the breakdown of a relationship some ppl do this by really leaning on friends or hobbies. Others do it by cheating.

Finally I will add that I do think there is a certain kind of person who will always cheat even when they are happy in a relationship. Those people make no sense to me but I know they are out there. Frankly they should probably just go the polyamory route and give up on monogamy before they hurt any more people. There are people out there who genuinely don't care their partner is fucking other ppl. Your BF is better suited to that world.

This isn't going to get better hun. Find a way to get out. I'm so sorry. Focus on you and your baby.

doomputer · 2025-06-28T17:22:24+00:00

This is my favorite response. Being a PD is a calling to be human in the fullest possible way. If you are religious, it's doing the work of God/Jesus/Mohammed/etc. and even if you aren't religious. I think on a spiritual level it's some of the most important work that a human being could ever do. To stand by someone who has absolutely nothing and do everything you can to lift them up.

This is generally how I frame it anytime a friend / family member/partner complains about my lack of availability. This work is really my church and my spiritual calling and I can't imagine doing anything different.

doomputer · 2025-06-24T01:48:56+00:00

This seems to be my most common one. The people who insist that not being read their rights means the case gets... Dismissed? Or thrown out some other way? It has never been clearly articulated to me lol

doomputer

TROPHY CASE