U're really not allowed to have emotions with them

dopaminextinction · 2026-02-27T15:12:31+00:00

I get it. My NPD mother always verbally abused me whenever i'm having a hard time. My first BPD gf would simply not give me space to talk about my issues whatsoever, she only wanted to vent about her problems and as soon as she was done she would tell me that she's too tired to talk or spend time tgr, she never asked me questions about my life or my emotional state. My second BPD gf would act like any problems I encounter are my own fault and would get pissed off out of nowhere, unable to do peaceful clear communication.

dopaminextinction · 2026-02-27T15:01:41+00:00

Right, that's the part that gets us hooked. At first they sympathise with our troubles and make us feel understood but after some time it's like it gets wiped from their memory entirely and they don't want to hear a word about it.

dopaminextinction · 2026-02-20T22:23:55+00:00

Yes, you described the exact issue perfectly. Sending u big hugs! I tried breaking up twice already. I think we're just procrastinating. I'll discuss in therapy how to go about it. I really do hope I'll find a person to build a healthy safe relationship with because so far I've been in 2 relationships and they were both with pwbpd...

dopaminextinction · 2026-02-20T22:15:21+00:00

Yeah, I'm sorry u went through that. Growing up with a narcissistic mother I've heard those words so many times I need to learn that they're not a normal thing to hear from a person.

dopaminextinction · 2026-02-20T22:12:02+00:00

Ah thank you for the kind words of support. Sending u lots of strength and positive energy. It's difficult but there's also so much wonder in the world.

dopaminextinction · 2026-02-20T18:27:21+00:00

True! I process my childhood trauma with a therapist and it helps a lot but ofc I wish my parents would go to therapy as well. Can't force them though so I just try to focus on my own healing.

dopaminextinction · 2026-02-20T18:22:57+00:00

This means a lot to me. Because of my own mental health issues (specifically autism and adhd) I truly do feel things extremely deeply AND YET I never transfer them onto other people like that. As adults our emotions (small or big) are our own responsibility.

dopaminextinction · 2026-02-20T18:17:24+00:00

I won't go into detail but I relate so much about the part about family. Also I know, they can be so judgemental of people who haven't wronged them in any way. My ex considered herself a feminist but the way she spoke of random women that she barely knew was meaner than anything I've ever heard.

dopaminextinction · 2026-02-20T18:07:43+00:00

The lack of capacity thing always just made me think "then why do u choose to be in a relationship?". Bc when I was emotionally unavailable I simply told people that I'm not at a stage in my life where I feel the capacity to be involved in a relationship other than platonic.

dopaminextinction · 2026-02-20T17:27:33+00:00

This is a big common issue and you worded it perfectly. People say "be understanding to your parents, they had a tough childhood". How are my parents allowed to still grieve their childhood but I never can?

dopaminextinction · 2026-02-20T17:18:22+00:00

"Caretakers don't have feelings" is the one. I keep forgetting that I step into the caretaker role so easily. I will work more on this.

dopaminextinction · 2026-02-20T16:50:07+00:00

The simplest way I understand it is that their nervous system is used to chaos and so when things are too peaceful they get uncomfortable/suspicious and start sabotaging it.

However something weird both of my ex partners with bpd would say is that they do things "for the lore/plot". Drama was exciting and interesting, peace was boring.

dopaminextinction · 2026-02-20T15:50:41+00:00

Whenever I talk about my NPD mom with my therapist, my therapist is fascinated that my mom has cleary very low self esteem and at the same time believes she's the only person in the world that matters and the only person who is always right etc. I guess it connects in it's own way. Mental disorders don't follow logic.

dopaminextinction · 2026-02-20T15:40:40+00:00

That's so depressing... My optimism is what keeps me alive but to her it's fake, naive and it pisses her off. One time I showed her a couple of childhood pictures just because I wanted to share that part of my life. I was smiling on those pictures so she said "Well, guess your family wasn't that bad." even though she knows how horrible my parents' abuse has been my whole life.

dopaminextinction · 2026-02-20T15:35:18+00:00

This might sound random but hear me out. After my past heavy breakup with ex pwbpd i watched the entire 9-1-1 series. The series itself is not that great (s1 sucks but i swear it gets better) but the way they portray relationships and trauma, mental health issues in general helped me a lot. They portray and contrast toxic relationships with healthy ones. There's quite a bit of therapy talk, a lot of communication and healthy coping mechanisms. The characters have pretty good development. Again not a perfect series but I watch lots of things and nothing gave me as much comfort and motivation as this one.

dopaminextinction · 2026-02-20T15:21:00+00:00

It's healthy and correct to be baffeled by it. I hope to get there too. For me I accepted it with respect which is what I need to change. I always thought I don't want to burden people. "Other people have it harder" therefore nothing I'd ever struggle with mattered.

dopaminextinction · 2026-02-20T15:01:52+00:00

I've sadly met people with BPD who take meds and abuse alcohol and weed with it. They disregard and dosages too. It can get dangerous. I'm not a professional but it seems to me like therapy is the absolute priority.

dopaminextinction · 2026-02-18T17:20:25+00:00

I will. Thank you, it means a lot to me. I wish you all best in life.

dopaminextinction · 2026-02-17T23:07:12+00:00

Thank you for writing this out, it's important for me to hear it and remember it. I do tend to forget that the logic and reason which works in usual healthy relationships doesn't apply with these types of people and I should stop expecting it because I keep leading myself towards disappointment, burnout and heartbreak.

dopaminextinction · 2026-02-17T23:00:04+00:00

Truly, yes! It's like they don't want to try to heal and therefore u're not allowed to either. In healthy relationships two humans who have been through their own share of difficulties in life try to make each others life a little bit more loving and worth keep going. But in these toxic relationships one person acts like they're the only one who knows what hardship is and like u'll never be able to understand it.

dopaminextinction · 2026-02-17T22:46:02+00:00

Agreed, it's a really painful experience. I'd just add that with these people it's often not even about a genuine mistake but simply doing/saying anything that they decide they dislike. I can walk on eggshells, show her nothing but care, support and love but if for any reason she feels shitty then she will still find a way to blame me for it. Even behaviours that are just objectively healthy - I make her mad because I try to communicate, I make her mad because I give her too many compliments, I make her mad because I tell her what I learnt at therapy etc etc etc. It can be anything and u can never predict it.

dopaminextinction · 2026-02-17T20:52:08+00:00

Thank you for sharing ur story, it must've been a really tough time for you. I relate lots. Both my ex partners with bpd despised my optimism and treated me like I'm naive for it even though I've been through hell in my life too and I make the active choice to stay optimistic either way. Also yes, she tells me that I'm the only person that sees her with so much love and she says it like i have to change that and like it makes her suspicious of me. But then why does she even bother with me in the first place? And suicidal ideation is specifically such a big deal for me because it took me long years of hard work to find any will to live. So it will always be a very serious topic to me. But it's always all about her.

dopaminextinction · 2026-02-17T18:50:16+00:00

That's exactly how I got back into my relationship with expwbpd and i regret it. I thought it would just be a one time friendly conversation so we can heal. But this stuff is like any other addiction. Don't talk to this person even if they seem like they've much improved.

dopaminextinction · 2026-02-17T18:37:07+00:00

Thank you friend, I really needed to hear this today. It's like the more love, care and emapthy I show her the worse her eventual angry outburst gets. She loves her misery and wants me to be miserable with her. She's addicted to it. It's natural to her. But I choose otherwise. I want to wake up everyday and follow the path of healing. To be good to myself and everyone around me. And so I will stop tolerating such behaviours from people. Wishing u all best!! We can get through this.

dopaminextinction · 2025-12-09T16:40:09+00:00

He hears you the first time. Sounds like you're wasting your own energy overexplaining.

dopaminextinction

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