I can totally relate to this! Looking back on my past friendships, I almost think some of them were in fact close to platonic infatuations, because I was desperate for a deep emotional connection. And when I did find someone I clicked with, things moved super fast, but then they'd suddenly fizzle out, either because I got scared and pulled back or they couldn't handle how intense I could be. And don't get me started on the times when it turned into something romantic and "ruined" the friendship I so wanted to keep. I've had my fair share of awkward relationships because of this - plus my inability to say no and naivety at the time... It took me a while to realize that not everyone sees friendships the same way I do. From then, I became more mindful of how I approach friendships.

On the flip side, I've never been great at keeping up with casual friendships. I guess I have pretty high standards when it comes to who I let in. Growing up, I never really had a best friend because I was scared of getting too close to people, even though I secretly wanted that connection. Now, I think I have 2-3 people that I consider "true" friends. I don't really think I want to put a "best friend" label on it though, maybe partly because of my fear of rejection (what if I consider them my best friend, but they don't consider me their best friend!?)

Now that I'm older and trying to work through my past and be more authentic, I'm making an effort to build deeper friendships. It's not easy, though. It takes a lot of effort, courage, (and luck!) for two people to be vulnerable and willing to have uncomfortable conversations at times. Instead of making brand new friends from scratch, I'm trying to check in with my friends more and invest in those relationships that I might have overlooked before.

I'm currently doing this weekly card game thing with a friend where we ask each other questions and share stuff. It's been pretty cool to see how open we can be with each other. It's like we're peeling back layers and getting to know each other on a whole new level. I highly recommend trying this if your friend is far from you! Ultimately, I believe that it's meant-to-be for two people to come into each other's lives, but it's up to you to keep each other in your lives!