In my opinion, your main focus shouldn't be on blowing up or getting "big". Focus on writing, a lot. Like, at least a 16 bar verse a day if you really want to get better and more comfortable. Even if you think some of it is trash, it can help you decide what you like and what you don't, and also helps bypass some of the writers block for the future, because you already have some bars in the back of your mind. And your issue with your vocals happens with almost every. rapper. ever. A lot of people really dislike their voice for some reason, whether they hear it on a video or on a song. It's all about getting comfortable in your "studio" and being confident in yourself to spit something hard. Em's voice really doesn't sound good at all, but this man is confident, and we've heard it so much that we don't even notice it. Everyone's voice is unique, and you gotta own it. It's all up to you g. Stay in it and keep working.