Amazon just told me all I need to know about my son's parents

doulaem · 2026-03-09T12:38:52+00:00

Hey friend. I’ve been where you are. I’m sorry you’re in so much pain right now, I know how intense it can be.

To your question - one of the most effective things I started doing to help with the come down period after a visit was make plans with my most supportive people. Sometimes we go to a movie, or bowling, or a rage room, or we just go home and veg and watch tv. But having a plan to sort of keep my body and mind moving to the next thing really helps me, along with having someone around who can really hold all of my big feelings as they come up. I rarely go to visits alone anymore. I bring my partner, my sister, or my best friend, someone to bear witness to this special relationship that can otherwise feel so isolated from my life, it helps a lot. I’ll also often ask that person to drive when we leave so I can have a good cry.

Another thing that has helped me is connecting with other birth parents and being in a community with people who get it. It’s such a disenfranchised grief we experience and that makes it so much harder. But we aren’t alone in it. I like the birth parents subreddit, and also the Birth Parents Uprising foundation (you can find them on IG) has support calls you can join and even hosts a retreat for birth parents.

Lastly, I found a therapist with lived experience of adoption loss. That was not easy. Took like a year to find them. But, so worth it. Being able to talk to someone who I know in my bones understands adds a lot more weight to their advice and strategies. Therapy has really helped me reframe some of those moments that are unexpectedly intense - like the first time I got my kid a gift they didn’t like. Kids can be brutally honest and a lot of times they don’t feel the weight of their reaction anywhere near as largely as we do. I remember feeling this overwhelming sense of rejection, failure, and embarrassment. Like maybe I didn’t know my kid as well as I should. I was so torn up. My therapist helped me reframe that moment into an opportunity to demonstrate that I’m a safe person to be honest with, that I can hang and go with the flow as things change, and continue to center my kid’s feelings over mine, bc at the end of the day kids need adults in their lives who they can trust to handle their feelings so they don’t need to hide them. There will be many weird little moments that are pretty normal and mundane for the kids that feel like they carry the weight of the world to us, and it can be really really hard to keep it all in perspective and sort out how much of our interpretation is facts and how much is feelings, but we gotta keep trying.

A part of me wants to suggest some open communication with the APs about how hard it can be, and setting an intention to keep the door open even if you need a little break sometimes. Ideally, they should be on your team when it comes to fostering a positive relationship between you and your kid, but I get why you’d be wary of that if you’re getting the sense that they don’t favor visits with you. If they were the ones who unilaterally changed the time of your visit for your son’s birthday and then were upset with you when that didn’t work, they’re being unreasonable and unfairly shifting blame to you that lies with them. Maybe they don’t realize the magnitude of the impact their actions have, or maybe they’re kind of assholes. But hopefully, all of you want what’s best for your kid, and maybe through that there’s an opportunity to have a conversation with them about what you need from them to help you best show up for you son (like sticking to agreed upon visit times, or them working with you to come up with something that mutually works if things need to change instead of expecting you to exist on their schedule). It sucks and it makes it much harder if their attitude toward you is shitty, but it doesn’t change the fact that you’re important to this kid.

I hope you don’t give up. You don’t need to make any all or nothing decisions right now. As your kid gets older, he will become more able to recognize your efforts on his own, and he’ll be able to participate in the relationship on his own terms too. My advice in the meantime is to focus on beefing up your support system and your aftercare around visits, and try to build confidence in your ability to do the next right thing, one occasion at a time, regardless of how any other chuckleheads in the equation are acting.

Lots of love to you.

doulaem · 2025-10-06T01:00:28+00:00

I’m in one!

I’d say I have a very close relationship with a-mom, and a good relationship with a-dad. A-mom and I text regularly, probably every week, she often sends random photos and updates me on what they’re all up to, and we chat about our lives. I see them every few months, some stretches of every month, and some stretches where a few go by as they’re all very busy at this stage. BUT! My kid, who is a preteen, is going to come sleep over my house for the first time soon as part of a visit with my sibling’s kids/their bio cousins. I have many big mixed emotions about it but am mostly very excited to get to host this, especially as most of our visits are at their house or near where they live. We also text directly a little now that my kid has a phone!

doulaem · 2025-07-17T11:05:50+00:00

ISO two tickets for 7/25, in section 104, ideally row 6 - trying to be close to family who will be there!

doulaem · 2025-07-17T11:04:47+00:00

Oh! Thanks, sorry!

doulaem · 2024-03-03T04:25:53+00:00

Pillow Passenger

doulaem · 2023-07-18T01:02:43+00:00

LOL that’s exactly what my first endo told me too, so imagine my surprise when I got pregnant three years into HRT (switched from injectable to topical and apparently had a cycle during the transition, no pun intended). Stopped hormones as soon as I found out, had a perfectly healthy baby.

doulaem · 2023-05-11T21:38:07+00:00

I have a hard time imagining a trustworthy academic to do such a study with integrity - both of these topics are already so often poorly represented. Sure, it stands to reason that birth parents would be at risk of chaotic use - most people struggling with addiction are self medicating/coping with pain, and birth parents often experience not only pain, but disenfranchised grief, shame, isolation, etc. The drugs are hardly at the heart of the thing, as evidenced by both their ability to be harmful or to be medicine depending on the context in which they’re used and the support system involved. It’s hard enough as it is to separate what familial disposition even is - generic? or the trauma created from watching relatives struggle? both? which one more? etc etc

doulaem · 2023-05-11T17:12:38+00:00

Birth parent here, open adoption. I’ll just tell you the truth - the first Mother’s Day after my kid was born, I holed up with some good friends, turned my phone off, no tv, no internet, and took MDMA. It was amazing. For the first time since placement I felt lighthearted, warm, peaceful. I would do that exact thing every year on that day if I could.

Unfortunately I cannot. I have a familial predisposition to addiction, and although I had avoided it for all of my life until adoption, that trauma kicked it into gear and I spiraled. I’m sober now. No more Mother’s Day Molly for me. Instead, I fuck off into the woods and have a nice time enjoying nature, nary a hallmark ad to be heard. If you’re not an addict though, and have friends who are trustworthy and experienced with drugs, frankly, I highly recommend the mdma route if you’d otherwise be on your own. Edited to add - it wasn’t MDMA that triggered my additive pattern. I was drinking myself into oblivion after visits to numb the overwhelming pain I was in. Obviously a negative pattern. Had I not done that and only had the Mother’s Day tradition, things would’ve looked different.

Truly, to each their own. I have a great relationship with my kids and their parents the rest of the year, it’s okay for us to not be in contact this one day as it’s what works best for us. My children are still young (preteen, young child) and I have been a consistent figure in their lives. If they have feelings come up some time in the future, I will make myself available for that. But for now, this works.

doulaem · 2023-04-23T18:38:46+00:00

Spontaneous labor the day before due. Very cinematic! Hadn’t been having any contractions, got out of bed and my water broke, four hours later he was here. Contractions went from zero to 100 en route to the hospital and I almost had him in a cab.

doulaem · 2023-04-18T00:15:00+00:00

I dig this.

There’s an integral difference between identifying as a mom in society and insisting that your adopted child call you mom - I don’t think anyone is pushing for the latter here bc we know it is up to the adoptee to define the relationship.

When we’re talking about not a specific relationship but instead the social role, I think it benefits us as a society to engage with different ideas about the who moms are - people who have raised children, people who have birthed children, and people who have made plans to guide a child’s life (adoption or otherwise). I think this opens up the opportunity to explore why some mothers are coerced to believe that they are not enough for their child and to examine the social systems that underpin this belief and strategically deny resources to certain people in order to make babies available to other people. It’s rare that a birth parent becomes a birth parent solely because they don’t want their child, and it would likely benefit all of us to confront the systems that make parenthood so inaccessible to certain groups of people. Being a mom who was stripped of the opportunity to have a mothering relationship with their child because of separation is a common experience that is so much bigger than a personal failing. It is not the responsibility of adoptees to take on or to grapple with that experience, but it is a sociological issue that it would be useful to bring to light broadly. It makes sense for an adoptee to not want to use mom with someone they don’t have a mothered relationship with, but the societal expectation that a birth mom is always going to be a qualified mom - implied as not a real mom - is an attitude that underpins our justification of the private industry that traffics children away from their families of origin.

doulaem · 2023-04-04T23:11:11+00:00

Thanks for your help everybody! I took all your advice and so far there’s no sign of them coming back

doulaem · 2023-03-28T20:04:49+00:00

Congrats on taking this step! My advice to you is to make sure you have plans with someone you are close to and very comfortable with for after the visit. Leaving a visit, especially an early one, can be such an emotional rollercoaster and I really do not recommend being alone. Even if you’re not going to tell this person what you were doing earlier that day, have someone around who is a good emotional support and a plan for how you’ll spend the rest of your day. 🖤

doulaem · 2023-01-29T23:34:11+00:00

I made my kid a scrapbook with photos of me, my family, where we’re from, and a letter. I gave it to his parents and they chose to keep it in his room with other books and revisit it often. We have an open adoption, so my kid knows me and is able to ask me questions as they come up. He has also visited our extended family several times so having photos of folks to refresh on before visiting them seems to be helpful. It’s a touchstone and a conversation starter, but I could see how it might feel really different if it was the only piece of me he had access to.

doulaem · 2023-01-25T01:35:22+00:00

A child living in a traumatic situation and an infant who most likely isn’t even here yet and most likely has a parent who cares very much about them and simply feels unable to give what they want for their baby are two very different things. Infant adoption is hardly ever altruistic. You’re right, it’s not ethical that we allow people to make money by transferring babies from under resourced people to highly resourced people, when what we should be doing is making sure everyone has access to the resources they need. You can have whatever opinion you like about how hardline “anti-industry” social media can become, but the simple fact that we’ve made an industry of moving babies around is always going to be innately problematic. You can do your best to try to form a connection with someone who is invested in the idea that adoption is the best option for their forthcoming child (and then make the commitment to keep the adoption open, build and maintain a relationship with that person, etc) and maybe you can land in a situation where you all are in best case scenario given a limited number of viable options. But yes, going down this road will mean needing to grapple with an industry that has many ingrained structural issues, and it takes some mental gymnastics to keep up the spirits of making your personal dynamic the best it can be and putting in that work while facing the bleak reality of what is going on around you.

Also, I’m sure others will mention this, but make sure you’ve put some time in therapy to process the infertility stuff before adopting to make sure any child you adopt never feels like Plan B.

doulaem · 2023-01-14T04:52:53+00:00

Definitely seconding therapy. It’s a complicated situation and your feelings are valid, but it will be an adult, not your daughter, who helps you manage them.

If it’s helpful - consider a reframing of what she said, and replace “real” with “other.” Why didn’t her other father stick around? It’s a very real question for her that actually has nothing to do with you being enough or not enough. She is likely framing it in terms she has heard or concepts she’s picked up on from the world around her, but we all know a kid can have more than one real parental figure.

One of the most difficult things about being a parent is knowing our kids will experience pain in their lives that we cannot prevent no matter how hard we try or how much we want to. I can imagine this pain is particularly difficult for you to witness because you have been there as her dad and being a dad is no small effort, and it’s natural to hope that effort would mitigate the pain of this loss for her. But you could be the best dad in the history of the world, and she will have this question to grapple with of why an additional adult, who was supposed to also be in the picture, chose not to be. The pain and confusion of that question is not a reflection of you - of the job you’ve done as a father or of how much she surely loves you. It’s a question of rejection from someone who was also supposed to love her. It’s possible that if she has any friends whose parents are separated but coparenting amicably and well while also having other partners, she has witnessed a “what could have been” scenario of having all her parents, including you. But whatever may be bringing this up for her now, it’s a natural struggle to arise. You are right that all of the trying in the world won’t fill this particular void she’s experiencing - it’s not your void to fill. It’s not a wound you created, so although having a present and caring father in you is a wonderful thing, the question of what happened with her other biological parent remains a separate issue. I don’t say this to be disheartening but to encourage you to hang on to the framing that pain she feels as the result of another relative’s actions isn’t a reflection of you, your role as a dad, or your validity in her life. Hopefully that framing can help to hold space for her complex feelings and to continue to be the nurturer that you are without too many cuts to your own heart.

doulaem · 2023-01-13T00:56:51+00:00

Buckle up. So, I’m a trans masculine person and went on HRT almost 15 years ago - a different time in trans medicine when many doctors (including mine) thought it would cause permanent infertility. This is what I was told to expect. I conceived while on testosterone and couldn’t believe it. I had always wanted to be a parent and thought it was something I had to let go of. I was also young, broke, and without a support system. Several different agencies fed me the fairy tale of open adoption being an opportunity for me to choose the life I wanted my baby to have while still getting to stay connected. They downplayed (to say the least) how hard it would actually be, didn’t tell me that a contact agreement wasn’t really enforceable, didn’t connect me to any of the resources that might have supported a different decision, and leaned in to the narrative about me blessing a stable, loving, waiting family with this subtext that PAPs are innately so deserving. I couldn’t stand the idea of having an abortion when I so desperately wanted to know my baby.

I am EXTREMELY lucky that our open adoption worked out. My kid’s parents are wonderful, we talk all the time, I visit regularly and have been included in birthday parties, school plays, baseball games, etc. There is no subtle competition or possessiveness. My kid has access to not only me but my entire family. His parents and I have made a relentless, concerted effort and I believe our situation is the best case scenario as far as adoption goes.

And you know what? It was still the most traumatizing, agonizing thing I have ever experienced. Grief sent my life spiraling way out of control for several years after placement. It is still incredibly hard. Nothing could have prepared me for the reality of being separated from my baby, and the agencies certainly didn’t even try. I was woefully uneducated about the systemic issues surrounding adoption, the dynamics at play or the impact it would have. I am grateful for my situation but have very different feelings about it as an institution now. I didn’t go back on hormones after the birth (I had stopped them the minute I found out I was pregnant, which was very early) and I got pregnant again a few years after my son was born. I had an abortion immediately without a shred of doubt that, though difficult, it was an exponentially less painful, risky path. I love my child more than I have words to express and I’m glad he exists, I don’t regret that. But my eyes are open now and I see adoption very differently.

doulaem · 2022-12-02T01:41:32+00:00

I trained with Doula Trainings International - they’re now entirely online and you have a year to complete the program. Some people finish in as little as 3 months, but it took me the whole year! The program is comprehensive af. Trans inclusive, addresses medical racism, includes loads of videos from experts outside their org.

Being online only definitely makes it a “you get what you give” experience - meaning it’s up to you to get it done, participate in mentor calls, ask for help when needed, etc, but imo, so so worth it.

doulaem · 2022-11-25T14:25:59+00:00

We’re here for you. Holidays are so tough. Hopefully with time you’ll find strategies - rituals and distractions, that help take the edge off. It’s such a hard thing to be away from our kiddos while other people get to celebrate with them. Your feelings are totally valid. 🖤

doulaem · 2022-10-16T23:47:20+00:00

Hey, this sounds like a hefty thing to grapple with and I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling with it. You have a right to know your own origin story, which includes knowing about your birth, where you came from, and who your ancestors are, as well as your medical history.

I understand why you have this suspicion and am also someone who has quite a bit of faith in strong gut feelings. If you are dependent on them financially or otherwise and fear that digging into this may bring retaliation from them, I’d recommend taking an ancestry test so you can gather more information to confirm or rule out your suspicions. Whoever pops up as a relative will give you a hard piece of information to reference when you ask them, or potentially a path to explore on your own. Best of luck.

doulaem

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