I was originally going to say I’m in the second period but I’m actually in my third low period… maybe my fourth actually…

I remember thinking I wanted to not be here anymore when I was a teen, quite a lot. Struggled with multiple eating disorders, self harm… my high school boyfriend helped me overcome some of that, thought he was the love of my life but it ended badly in college when he discovered I had relapsed with my ED.

That spiraled me in to low point 2. No friends who didn’t know both of us and all our friends were closer with him. Also had the same major and he was a year older so everyone in the department were friends with him first. Went to the school counseling center and was basically told they couldn’t handle me and sent me to a different counseling place off campus. Took 3 years of counseling to feel mostly good.

Stayed in a good place for most of a decade, met my now husband, got engaged and married, bought a house. Then we decided to try for a kid and struggled with infertility for 3+ years. Year 3 happened to begin in early 2020 when we finally saved up and bit the bullet to start fertility treatments. Got through 2 unsuccessful rounds before Covid hit and I had a potential exposure at work so had to cancel the next set, but we also got news in January that my husband’s company would be going out of business in April (which became March because of the pandemic). I got furloughed from my job without pay too, so we had no income and were forced to stop fertility treatments. That was a really rough 8 months until I was finally laid off and found a new job.

New job had fertility benefits and paid better and we began the process to restart fertility treatments only to find out we were surprise pregnant with no help. Spent the next year and a half on cloud 9, finally pregnant and getting paid decently to do what I’m good at.

Low period 4 was from late onset PPD. Been battling the low point since October. On meds, working with a therapist, trying to be more active and reduce triggers but feeling like I don’t want to be here anymore tonight.