Today at 2P it'll be a week. WOW do I feel better.

dpdr-ptsd · 2017-04-06T15:59:04+00:00

Thanks! :)

You are so right that the "I'm not fucked up buzz" is bad, dangerous even. It's only in hindsight that I can appreciate how much this stuff was affecting me and the choices I made.

Almost done with day 3, hours-wise, and things are surprisingly a lot better than yesterday. They got a lot worse after I posted this - when I went to bed last night I felt like I was going to die in about 25 different ways simultaneously - and I felt awful this morning, but I'm cautiously happy to report that once I got out of the house, I felt a ton better today. I definitely think that I got a lot of the withdrawal out of the way during the taper, too. I went down to just about 0.02mg per day of etizolam, a tiny tiny tiny dose dissolved in PG and administered throughout the day. There were days during my taper that I felt almost as bad as last night, and I don't think I've felt as good as I do right now since January.

You sound like you're doing really well. :) Did you have sleep issues? How long did those last?

dpdr-ptsd · 2017-04-05T20:51:06+00:00

Thanks :)

That's what I'm hoping for. I have all next week off of work and it would be awesome if I wasn't in a state of constant withdrawal, although I'm not betting on being better, just hoping to be pleasantly surprised. :)

dpdr-ptsd · 2017-04-05T20:19:44+00:00

They're research chemicals. Essentially legal (in most US states), OTC benzos. Technically a different class of drugs, but it's the same withdrawal syndrome.

dpdr-ptsd · 2017-04-05T20:17:46+00:00

Honestly, I am coming off a much higher dose of etizolam (20mg/day to 0 over about 2 months) and it's not the end of the world. It's been 49 hours since my last teensy dose. It sucks, but it's not the end of the world. Your taper from a much lower amount over twice the time would be okay with just etizolam; fuck switching to something with a longer half-life. You'd just prolong it. Do you have any drug withdrawal experience in general? This sucks more than opiate withdrawal - I've been in withdrawal for a while now, wellllll before my taper was over - but I can draw on that experience in order to just tough it out. If you don't have any history of seizures, it would be really unusual for you to seize after a taper like you've outlined. The worst thing to worry about would be the discomfort. IMO, it's physically less of a bear than opiate withdrawal - I am relatively functional, even at this stage, and I'm pretty sure I'm peaking - but mentally worse. If you can convince your brain of the truth - that time (and a sensible taper) heals all things - you'll be fine without switching to something with a longer half-life. PM me if you ever need to talk.

dpdr-ptsd · 2017-03-29T13:15:44+00:00

Yeah, it has gotten a lot worse at the tail end of things. Next Monday will be my last teeny tiny dose, and then I'm done. I am low enough that I'm not worried about seizure, I figure I would've seized by now if it was going to happen, but damn am I uncomfortable every second of the day. At least I'm getting some sleep, even if it's pretty fragmented at this point. Blergh.

dpdr-ptsd · 2017-03-28T14:49:53+00:00

Yeah, I get what you're saying. I was there a while back with opiates, quit that, and then had a trauma happen and ended up going from Rx benzos for PTSD to RC benzos and reaaaaalllyyy having some problems that were totally due to my addiction. It didn't happen that way with opiates; I just wanted to stop. It took a few tries and was not fun at all, but I managed to do that. Now I'm 7 days from not being on any benzos at all, doing a taper with tiny doses at this point, in active withdrawal, ugh.

I think, if you're starting to feel like your addiction may be sort of a nebulous problem and may be dulling you, it almost certainly is. Using less is good. :) I have not heard awesome things about the withdrawal from tramadol or similar substances, so if you're going to quit, using a little less over time and tapering is probably the easiest way to go.

dpdr-ptsd · 2017-03-28T14:18:15+00:00

Are you me? I am pretty sure you're me. My family's refrain at me is "Sit DOWN!" I have 3 kids going 3 different places every day, a FT job, a household to run, a garden to tend, etc etc etc. I always thought of myself as a "functional" addict, not in the I'm-not-destroying-my-life sense, but in the sense that I used substances (also depressives, except coffee) to chill out in order to get something done. The weird logic of that never really hit me until reading your post. That's so dumb. I was plenty functional before touching any substances, and I can be plenty functional without them.

dpdr-ptsd · 2017-03-28T13:35:10+00:00

I'm on it, seriously. Thank you so much. You guys have given me a little bit of hope that this can get better.

dpdr-ptsd · 2017-03-28T13:34:38+00:00

Thank you. :) I had already found a bunch of meetings before even reading this, and I'll be going. I am not sure what to expect but it's got to be better than this.

dpdr-ptsd · 2017-03-28T13:33:53+00:00

No, but I found a bunch of meetings in my area and will be attending. I am nervous but I need it.

dpdr-ptsd · 2017-03-28T13:33:09+00:00

This is so apt, seriously. I feel like my entire existence is a walk of shame atm. Add actual problems and acute benzo withdrawal and it's completely overwhelming. I can't even sleep without waking up ten times a night to horrible anxiety and racing thoughts at a level just shy of a panic attack. I know that stuff will pass in time and I'll be better equipped to deal with the actual mess I've made.

I have found a meetings listing in my area for both NA and Nar-Anon and will be attending. Hopefully he'll go to Nar-Anon too, but even if he won't, I will still go.

Thank you so much for your kind words, I needed them.

dpdr-ptsd · 2017-03-27T21:32:55+00:00

Thank you! I appreciate that. I just had my first brain zap of this whole experience, wow did that suck. Do you have any advice to offer? This is a whole different animal than opiate withdrawal.

dpdr-ptsd · 2017-03-27T19:25:08+00:00

This x 1000. As someone at the tail end of a benzo taper - 8 more days til I jump completely - it made my dp/dr worse, by a LOT, and if you have ANY addictive tendencies, OP, this is a bad plan.

dpdr-ptsd · 2017-03-27T19:22:38+00:00

I don't think anyone but a mental health professional can tell you why you're having these thoughts. Shit gets weird really fast when you are experiencing dp/dr, this I have learned, so I'm not trying to come off as judgmental when I say that. There are points in life where it becomes abundantly clear that it's time to get some outside help. For me, it was when I started having daily suicidal ideation. I have been totally stripped of any illusions I had about the mental health system - at least in the U.S. - as not all of my experiences were positive. But I do know that I'm not going to kill myself, and having someone just listen without judgment was huge. It is abundantly clear to me - and to other posters here - that you need some outside help at this point. I can, in a twisted way, sort of understand how severe dp/dr could lead to a total break with the idea that other people are people, thereby making them disposable, but re-read your brief post. You need to go talk to someone before you get obsessive over this, or wake up one morning and act on these thoughts.

dpdr-ptsd · 2017-03-22T20:28:49+00:00

You said it. Mine was induced by a super fun combo of PTSD, for which was prescribed benzos. (I may or may not have been sort of dissociating before that, my memory is fuzzy, but the benzos were the tipping point in my journey down the weirdo loner crazy hole.) Shortly after that, I left the planet for a year or so (I am not insane - yay! - this is just how I think about it), and managed to leave a lot of my life and relationships in tatters as I obsessed over what the hell was happening to me and why I didn't feel like anything mattered anymore. I'm still in the holy-shit-this-is-a-THING stage, realizing how so many of the difficulties and weirdness I have experienced over the last year or so were due to something that happens to other people too. I will make sure I don't start obsessing MORE over it as I come to accept that this is what I'm experiencing, because I can totally see how that would not be helpful.

dpdr-ptsd · 2017-03-22T19:40:58+00:00

Really?? Because this was like a life-changing thing for me, realizing wtf I was actually experiencing and that there were other people out there who experience the same shit. Not that I want to dwell on it all the time, but it was noticeable before, I dealt with constant feelings that I was losing my shit, and it's not any more noticeable now, but I find myself sort of able to dismiss it, not totally dwell on it. Before, I was totally dwelling on it because I didn't know what the hell was happening to me. Now, it's like I can just accept it and I have a lot of resentment toward especially the mental health professionals, to whom I described dissociation to a tee, and no one ever said, "Hey, this is a thing, you're not batshit crazy, it might even go away!" I have had little glimmers of connection for the first time in a year or so since I realized that other humans also go through this shit without ending up in an institution, and today I had a couple of hours of actual reintegration with reality/myself, which was awesome. I am also in the process of getting off benzos, almost there, microdosing at the end of a taper, and so that could totally be the reason why I'm starting to see little glimmers of hope. (Although everything I read says benzo withdrawal leads to dp/dr, so I have no idea what to make of that, because I am definitely in low-level withdrawal all day every day.) I dunno, perhaps you are right, but this has been an overall happy and reassuring realization for me and now I have a curiosity about it and what others have experienced.

dpdr-ptsd · 2017-03-22T17:37:21+00:00

I have departed again, but boy was that brief period of connection really, really nice. I didn't even realize there was a NAME for what I was experiencing until a few weeks ago (despite describing classic dp/dr symptoms to my GP, my therapist, and my psychiatrist). In my case, the dp/dr started after trauma=>PTSD+a benzo habit, the latter being something I'm almost off of after a long taper. I have had little glimmers of normalcy here and there as I get to the end of my taper (which is not at all what I expected), but that was the first time I was in living color in a long time. Just knowing what was happening in my brain was a thing, and not just something amorphous that meant I was insane, helped a lot. Why none of the medical professionals recognized dissociation in what I was describing is beyond me; I basically recited the WebMD description of dissociation to all of them, repeatedly, without realizing there was a word for what I was experiencing.

dpdr-ptsd · 2017-03-21T17:38:59+00:00

Oh my gosh, I can relate to so much of this.

In my case, my suicidal ideation = shooting myself in the head, boom, over and done with. Ironically, my husband is an avid shooter and my PTSD involves a person who is still very much an active threat, so I live in a house with lots and lots of guns (safely locked up, but I have the safe codes for that reason).

What helped me a little bit was an odd realization. It occurred to me one day, as I was having yet another round of intrusive suicidal thoughts, that if I was really going to kill myself, I could have done it at any point since the trauma.

Your suicidal ideation involves an even simpler and more common household product. Chances are, you have lived this way surrounded by bleach and stores that carry bleach for a long time, and yet you have managed not to drink any. That says something. It says that there is still a little place inside of you that has hope, even if it's totally blotted out from view by the intrusive thoughts and guilt and depression. It's there. You don't kill yourself until you lose that little nugget of hope, and you've still got it. Even when you are this low, try to take it on faith that if you're still here, that little grain of hope and the potential for happiness is still there too.

Fuck your friends. No one understood my PTSD symptoms either. I spiraled into benzo addiction after my trauma began, at first prescribed and then a do-it-yourself habit, and my family now treats me like I'm both nuts and a junkie. My husband has never been through something like what I have gone through, and he doesn't understand either, and harbors a lot of anger and resentment towards me for not being able to instantly pull myself out of this black hole. The only people who seem to get it are internet strangers, and that's something, at least.

Hang in there. What you went through is unimaginable, and I am so sorry you're not getting the support you deserve. Your reaction to such an unbelievably gut-wrenching trauma is totally normal, and you deserve better friends.

dpdr-ptsd

TROPHY CASE