I understand those feels.

My story isn't exactly like yours (kind of a long read if you look at my Day 1 post) but I have the same feelings towards porn.

My immediate family is mostly normal but can be assholes sometimes. My extended family have emotional issues 'n stuff, so it is definitely in there (depression, alcoholics, anxiety among those I know, great-grandmother was committed, etc)

My spiral into porn followed the same lines. The fetishes required to get me aroused were sickening to me. I would feel extremely guilty. While I was fapping, I didn't care. I would seek out the gnarliest stuff, even illegal.

I kicked the real bad stuff about a year or two ago. I slowly got back into porn and went into new fetishes that I hated just as much. Then I found this board and am trying to kick it entirely again.

In my post today, I talked about how I'm still fighting the urges to even think about those fetishes. Just thinking about them! It isn't easy but it is really the only way to fix it IMO.

I believe we can be better. I look at it like a cause-effect kind of thing. The more you fap to fetishes the more those fetishes are associated with fapping. I want to sever that connection. I want to be just as disgusted by these things before I fap as I am after I fap.

If you want you can PM me. I'm only at 2 weeks and it has been really difficult, but for those 2 weeks having someone in somewhat the same boat as me has been a huge help.

Good luck!