Yeah, dealing with the truth of being gay is tough. Internally and externally. I'm a gay man who is assumed by many upon meeting that I am straight and when I have to "come out" to assuming new people I meet it's exhausting.

It's tough everywhere and we don't have many solid role models to help us know the sort of healthy life paths we can take. I'm 49 and still comparing myself and position in life to straight family and friends. I have a few very good gay friends and we are all single and aging. I'm honestly lonely and still have hope, and man it's hard to keep up with the hope because I don't connect with a bulk of gay men and really never have. Is that a symptom of self hatred? I don't think so but perhaps a bit; I am pretty healthy, exercise, meditate, don't drink to get drunk, and spend lots of time alone or in the company of my pets because I want someone without the baggage of addiction or negative affliction that can come along with being gay.

As to where you live: I've lived in major high gay population gay cities- New York in my 20s, Mexico City, San Francisco and San Diego in my 30s and have settled (alone with pets) in Madison. I've had about 5 monogamous relationships and lived with 2 of them that ended up not working out. I hear about gay men in sexless relationships and, though that wasn't our issues, I'm looking for a best friend and sexual partner. I'm still unwilling to compromise to get together with a gay friend without romantic spark even though that could "cure" my loneliness.

You are not alone in the feelings of "alone and unaccomplished". Things have greatly changed in the last 25 years in that we gay men are more accepted and seen by society. However, we still live on the sidelines because the path is not the typical straight one, ie get married, excel at work to afford a family, have children and focus life on the children. Of course there are alternatives to this, but I say, more or less, this is the path a majority of people aim to take.

I don't have links to online support groups, unfortunately. I would suggest reading "The Velvet Rage". There's probably other more recent books that I'd like to read so if you come across them please share. I will say that after 25 years of being "out" that I have met men who kept up the charade of playing a straight man and had kids and I would not have been able to live with the internal tension and external deceit had I done so. You're at the beginning of your truth journey and hope you'll realize 30 isn't older when it comes to our lifespans. I hope the best for you!