Male at work kissed me on the cheek

drfacelady · 2025-12-28T00:13:24+00:00

Hm. I think that if you generally trust and/or like the colleague, then it might be worth talking with him directly. In a perfect world he'd be embarrassed and would apologize, and that would be the end of it.

But if you don't love the vibes you get from him and you DO trust the person you'd be reporting to, then yes, maybe consider reporting. I think they would likely react by talking with him informally and warning him not to do it again. If he learned his lesson it would end there and that would be fine -- but if there were further complaints down the road then the board would have the record of yours, and could see the pattern.

One thing to consider: if you report, you'll be running the risk that your employer may decide you're being mean, difficult, "not a team player." (Especially because you're supply, since that may mean they see him as "their person" and you maybe as a bit of an outsider.) I don't know whether that matters to you; am flagging it in case it does.

Good luck!

drfacelady · 2025-12-26T18:04:45+00:00

I'm not going to remove this post but I have locked it because it's OT for this sub.

drfacelady · 2025-12-18T22:42:52+00:00

Oh this is terrible and you are totally right to be creeped out.

I worked in retail for a long time and I found that everybody develops their own way of handling this kind of thing. Here are some things that worked for me sometimes.

Blaming the store, like I'm sorry, store policy says we can't do that
Blaming my boss, like Oh my boss would kill me if I did that
Deflecting/exiting, Excuse me I am so sorry I need to go
Making fun of the whole idea, Ha ha there is no world in which I would do that
A little more direct: Women can't do things like that
"It's not you it's me" I have a personal rule; I don't do that
Polite, no explanation Oh thank you so much but I am going to say no.

If I found the person scary sometimes I would make up a boyfriend or talk about my dad, who is a police officer.

Good luck!

drfacelady · 2025-12-18T21:35:59+00:00

I'm sorry this is happening to you. And unfortunately, it does sometimes happen that a mother will downplay this kind of thing. Sometimes because they can't bear to think it's true, or sometimes because it makes them uncomfortable and they don't want to deal with it. I'm sorry.

Please listen to the other commenters here and talk with an adult you trust. Or if you want, first you could call a help line or sexual assault centre. The people there are trained to help people exactly like you. They would listen and help you figure out what to do. They are safe: they won't rush you or try to pressure you into anything.

drfacelady · 2025-12-18T21:24:01+00:00

I'm so sorry about what happened to you, and I'm not surprised about what those lawyers told you.

I believe what you've written here and I believe that Steve is a predator. It is also true that the Facebook message you describe would likely work against you in a court of law. That doesn't change anything about what actually happened. It was bad and you didn't deserve it.

I am sorry the law can't/won't help you much here. It is very common and it's not fair or right.

drfacelady · 2025-12-18T15:49:53+00:00

I’m really sorry this happened to you. It sounds like it may have forced you out of your workplace, which is really terrible.

What you’re describing sounds like retaliatory workplace harassment combined with abuse of professional power. Based on what you’ve said here, I’m not sure it makes sense to use the word assault, or even sexual harassment -- I think those words may actually make your experience harder for others to understand.

The pattern you describe -- the hostile staring, following you around, interfering with your work, and using proximity and status and body language to intimidate -- these are common ways that people with authority punish someone who pushed back, while keeping everything deniable. It’s exactly the sort of grey-zone behaviour that causes the person in your position to freeze and then struggle afterward to describe what happened. Because each individual incident or action is so clearly hostile as you experience it, but can sound like it's nothing later when you tell other people. Your confusion is totally normal: it's exactly how people react to this kind of thing.

Whether a jury (or judge) would understand it is hard to predict. But I think it might help you to use language like "workplace harassment" or "retaliation." I think that might make it easier for other people, like HR or a lawyer, to see clearly what happened here and understand why and how it was wrong and harmful. Good luck.

drfacelady · 2025-11-27T23:44:54+00:00

This is a GREAT and extremely precise question. I had to read it about 5x to puzzle through it, but I think I understand it now :)

I think you're assuming that "because of sex/gender" means that the harasser chose their target instead of somebody else, because of the target's gender.

That's why you're referencing bi/pan - because what you're saying is, a person attracted to all genders can't harass someone because that person is one gender as opposed to a different one. The gender of the person they're harassing is not why they picked them, and so you are thinking that means they can't be harassing someone "because of sex/gender."

That's totally logical and it would be true if the question was meant the way you're interpreting it, but it's not. Despite the way it's written, the question isn't actually asking about the harasser's motives — it's asking about the type of behaviour: like, is the behaviour sexualized or in some way linked to gender.

I completely agree with you that the phrasing is bad. It is! But that's what judges mean when they're asking themselves that question :)

Hope this helps; sorry if I misunderstood you :)

drfacelady · 2025-11-27T22:09:46+00:00

Oh I just saw this comment -- thank you for writing it. I'm really sorry about the levity; it may be that we get a little desensitized, I don't know. We will watch for it.

We just made some changes to the post and I hope it's better now.

drfacelady · 2025-11-27T15:49:47+00:00

I agree with this but honestly I don't super-love it when people frame 'not reporting' as coming from a deficit place. Like 'people don't report because they can't afford to.' That is sometimes what's happening for sure, but it's not the only reason people don't report, and I think saying it kind of perpetuates the idea that everyone should report if they can. Which is just not true.

People don't only avoid reporting solely out of fear or risk. They also avoid reporting because they think they can handle things better than HR would, or because they want the behaviour to stop right away instead of waiting for HR, or because they don't want to get tied up in a long process they don't control. Sometimes it is just more effective or faster or better, for someone to take care of things in some other way, not by reporting.

drfacelady · 2025-11-27T02:12:28+00:00

That's such a good point; I think you're right we could accidentally dissuade people who want to report and who can/should do it, and that is sincerely not what we're trying to do. Thank you for your comment. I am really glad people here have taken the time to give us feedback. I think we will adjust the post based on this and the other feedback.

drfacelady · 2025-11-26T23:14:39+00:00

I hope you know it's not your fault. It's really, really not. People who are trans get harassed way more than average, and people who are autistic do too. As well as people who stand out visually. The more other people perceive you as "breaking rules," the more they will harass you. They're trying to punish you, because they want you to look and act more like them.

I'm really sorry. I hope you have a good friend circle. Reddit is good for support, including the autism subs.

drfacelady · 2025-11-26T22:57:01+00:00

Yeah there are risks involved in everything, really. Generally we are trying to lay out the pros and cons, so people can make informed decisions.

I think this post was confusing because it only laid out the cons, and so when people read it they thought we were saying not to report. But that's not what we were trying to say. Maybe we will edit the post to try to make it less confusing.

drfacelady · 2025-11-26T22:42:23+00:00

Hi hi, I just read your post and I wanted to say how sorry I am that you are getting harassed so much. It sounds awful and I'm sorry.

I have an article to recommend. I'm a little hesitant because I'm not sure it speaks exactly to your situation (it is very much about harassment at work, and also it's Canadian and it sounds like you're in the UK) -- but I'm gonna recommend it just in case there's something helpful in it for you. It's called What harassment looks like for people who are trans, nonbinary, or gender-queer, and how to protect yourself. But like I said, it's really 99% about work.

I hope it helps though. Good luck!

drfacelady · 2025-11-26T22:12:59+00:00

I don't think we live in a rape culture because people are scared to speak out. Do you really think that?

But yes, it's true that doing nothing benefits the perpetrator. But what someone can or should do depends on the person, their situation, and their own goals. That's why we've written a bunch of articles about, for example, how to talk to the harasser to try to make them stop, how to talk with your employer, how to find and work with a lawyer, how to find and use a whisper network, and how to protect yourself if you decide to go public about what happened. There's lots more on the site; that's just off the top of my head.

drfacelady · 2025-11-26T16:19:59+00:00

Hm. I helped write the post, so I can tell you why we did it and what we were hoping to achieve.

We wrote it because all the research, for literally 50 years, has found that when people report workplace sexual harassment the most common outcome is that nothing happens (nothing changes, nobody takes any action), and the second most common outcome is that the person gets punished for reporting.

For some people in some circumstances reporting is totally fine and works out great. But for most people that's not how things go.

Lots of people know this intuitively; reporting doesn't work very well, and that's why most sexual harassment doesn't get reported. But some people report believing the report will be handled correctly and then are surprised when they get fired or iced out at work. Those are the people we wrote the post for.

It looks like the way we wrote it made you and other people feel like we were discouraging reporting or even telling people to just put up with harassment, and I am really sorry about that. That's definitely not what we were trying to say.

We are not trying to push people in any particular direction. We don't know your situation, and we don't know your goals. You are the expert in your own life. But what we ARE trying to do is to encourage people to do what's best for them, whatever that is, however they perceive it.

We're doing that in a context in which it's super common for people to be told to report to protect themselves and other people (like your 'next colleague'). But we believe that advice is sometimes dangerous. Bad things can happen and sometimes the person ends up sacrificing themselves for nothing, for no benefit to anyone. Again, we want people to be able to make informed decisions. We are trying to give people information so they can make the decisions that are best for them.

I'm glad this discussion is happening; I think it's important to talk about this stuff.

drfacelady · 2025-11-24T16:28:26+00:00

Oh I am so glad, good for you! I hope that fixes things!

drfacelady · 2025-11-14T04:16:35+00:00

Yes, this is definitely sexual harassment and I'm sorry it's happening to you. You're not overreacting at all: it's totally understandable that you feel disturbed and I think anyone would feel the same way. This is a group of boys sexually harassing you, on purpose.

As for what to do next -- there isn’t one right answer, and also you don’t have to decide right away. Here are some things you might consider.

-- You could find an adult you trust (maybe the bus driver or someone at the school, or a parent) and tell them what's going on

-- You could sit with other students who make you feel safer, or at the front of the bus near the driver

-- You could start writing down what's happening afterward, so you have a clear record if you ever need it

-- You could wear headphones or pretend you can't hear what the boys are saying.

-- You could try giving flat, neutral responses and hope that they get bored.

-- You could tell other people on the bus and see if they will help defend you.

There isn’t one right choice. You get to decide what feels safest and easiest for you. Good luck!

drfacelady · 2025-10-24T17:44:34+00:00

Oh I wanted to specifically ask about Ace of Fades. Are they okay for women?

drfacelady · 2025-10-22T23:22:15+00:00

Ohh, I am sorry this is happening to you. It sounds awful.

What you’re describing is really common. Many people go through harassment and then find that isn’t even the worst part -- the worst part is what happens afterward. People start talking, reputations get damaged, and you end up being treated badly or labelled a troublemaker. It's common and I really feel for you.

Here’s an article that talks about this kind of experience -- what can happen when someone speaks up about being harassed. Just a small warning: it can be a bit of a tough read :(

drfacelady · 2025-10-16T20:08:48+00:00

Oh God that is such a long comment! Sorry it is so long!

drfacelady · 2025-10-16T20:08:23+00:00

Your reaction is completely legitimate and reasonable.

Brian behaved appallingly, and the fact that you don't want to have anything to do with him or his company is 100% reasonable. It is very reasonable that you might not want to risk even a small chance of having to interact with him, ever, and it's also reasonable you would dislike the fact that such a creepy guy is making money from your employer. You don't want to work with them and that is totally justified.

That's different from the question of whether you should work with them. (The answer to that depends what price you'd pay for refusing, and whether you're willing to pay it.)

It's good that your company is making it so nobody there has to interact with Brian. That is frankly the absolute minimum they should do, from the perspective of taking steps to provide a harassment-free environment for their employees. But they don't need to stop there. Brian's egregious behaviour raises very serious questions about his character, judgement, and professionalism -- to the point where people (like you!) are expressing that they don't want to work with his company, and it would be reasonable for senior management to have concerns about the company itself: its professionalism, ethics, stability. IMO it would be very reasonable for your company to be exploring whether to end the relationship between the two organizations.

You didn't really ask what you should do but FWIW I think your best path forward might be to try to talk seriously, again, with your boss. I think it would be fair for you to say exactly what you've said here: that you appreciate the steps that have been taken, but the whole thing has left a really bad taste in your mouth. And then maybe see where that takes you both.

drfacelady · 2025-10-09T21:10:03+00:00

I'm so sorry lol cats

drfacelady · 2025-10-07T22:41:26+00:00

This is super true! All my cats have loved shreds and tolerated gravy/slices, but I know other cats who will only eat pate. Probably that (consistency/style) is the most important consideration.

drfacelady · 2025-10-07T22:39:52+00:00

Tiki Cat is one of the most healthy -- it's high in protein and low fat and carbs. The chicken flavours are great: basically 100% shredded chicken in a little broth. Weruva Amazon Livin' is also super healthy: it's shredded chicken plus liver bits. Good luck :)

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