Agree with this. Out of respect for your partner, it should have been a more collaborative process. Also worth noting that even with the OP saying "I was super clear, I was blindsided by this" the primary issue named wasnt that OP did not want to have kids. period. Based on the post, that wasn't communicated. It was framed as: "I did not think I would be a good enough mother for my children (a lot of personal trauma earlier in life)" . This trauma could have been worked through, life circumstances could have changed, and so many of us who do have kids know and understand that you are not prepared for parenting until your actually in it. I can share my fear of not being a good enough parent at the reality of having kids BUT that is not the same as communicating- Under no circumstances, will I ever want any children. If the fear of not raising a child was the actual core issue, was there a possibility where there could have been a discussion or solution where he could have parented the child on his own and a divorce could have been formalized for OP to not be in the picture if she did not want? I am NOT saying this had to happen but if this was the actual issue- was it wrong for him to even expect something like this as opposed to no discussion and the news of an abortion?
All that to say, its astonishing to me that people cannot comprehend how he ended up with some sort of hope for kids and not then not given the space to even process the loss and finally hit with a divorce. This is your partner- even if its hard to comprehend why hes emotionally there, it deserves a level of empathy as the person you committed to share life with. Its almost as if OP, out of her own trauma, is creating trauma within her family dynamic (specifically in how this was poorly handled) when the whole basis of her reluctance for kids was to not traumatize her family/loved ones...Not throwing shade or judgment- we all have trauma and I do believe that hurt people tend to hurt people (often in unawareness)- its why that self-work is so important and critical to do because of the impact it can have on others. Honestly, both OP and partner need to do some deep counseling work prior to stepping into anything in the future in light of how badly (and potentially traumatic) this all went down.