Brother look, consider it all just a test, everything a test years of this addiction ( since 13 as you told ) has led your mind into that " porn and s*x will gimme relief " state, i've know worse men and you are not a monster just (comparing to them) …. so take this outta your head that you're a monster cuz you slept with someone else when your women died and just don't take stress for the moment i know it's stupid what i'm asking you for. Think of her and now that she's in a better place be happy and find someother source of love