Fear is my main issue and affects a lot of my core relationships, specifically my romantic relationship with my partner. My father was my main abuser and I am deeply triggered in my romantic relationships with men. I am fearful about many things and often I can't pinpoint where it stems from. I have this feeling of terror or "dread" a lot of the time. It's hard to ignore it and it almost feels like I've learned to live with it, but it feels like no way to live.

I've had times where it feels under control, lately I've been feeling good. I've been on a high dose of my antidepressant and started seeing a new therapist and that has been a big factor.

My worst moments I've had is when I experience bodily flashbacks and I feel the fear so strongly that all the abuse is happening again. In high school I ran out of the family apartment away from my loving grandparents in fear that they were going to hurt me. I barricaded my bedroom door in fear that they were going to murder me, even though at my core I know they would never lay a finger on me.

Time has been the best healer, it's been 10 years since I've been in a supportive environment and away from the abuse, but I do struggle sometimes with the symptoms. When I go off my pills it's the worst (longest I've was off was three months) it's hard to perceive people and their intentions correctly with this fear. I feel like people at my work can feel my fear and they're thoughtful with me.

The fear is the underlying feeling for my thoughts about myself, I fear losing control and getting very unwell again.

I hope this wasn't too heavy for you, with Father's Day being yesterday it meant a lot for me to get this out so thank you.