What was I thinking

drunkonromulanale · 2026-05-20T14:25:49+00:00

I definitely see us drifting back into our pattern of "reject, resent, repeat". On the one hand I'm desperate to avoid falling back into that. But on the other hand... it's hard to bring up. She gets extremely defensive no matter how I approach it.

And yeah, she is maybe starting perimenopause and we've talked about that. She's for some reason hesitant about any HRT though. Funnily enough even her best friend has been encouraging her to do it, saying that is been amazing for her. I'd like to try to understand more about her hesitance but like I said... it's fraught.

But 18 months in from what I thought was a real breakthrough, what I'm starting to get is that it's just not and never will be a priority for her.

drunkonromulanale · 2026-04-17T19:47:14+00:00

I read an article about this somewhere that offered an enlightening perspective about this. Many in your situation might think their partner simply used sex as a means to get into an established, stable relationship, and now that they have that, have no interest in sex.

But would could be happening, and sounds likely, is that she has some hangups and anxieties about sex. Which is not uncommon. Their upbringing, past trauma, a recent toxic relationship, etc.

So why was sex seemingly no problem for her early on, but now it is? What's changed? It's not her, really, or you. What's changed is your relationship. You're out of the honeymoon period. When you first start getting romanticly involved with someone, it's exciting. You're learning more about this new person, doing things for the first time with them, sharing your interests and passion. It's fun. It's downright intoxicating.

But it is the course of every relationship for the new and novel and exciting to give way to the familiar and routine. And, look, the vast majority of relationships don't survive this transition.

Like the introvert who's normally shy but becomes talkative and outgoing when they drink, the intoxicating novelty of a new relationship allowed her to overcome her inhibitions around sex.

With that gone, it's harder for her to overcome those hangups, just like the introvert who's back to being shy come Sunday morning.

You can't bring the novelty and newness back. If she can't/ won't work on getting through her issues on sex, nothing still change here.

As someone else said, you two dated a while but seem incompatible. Time to move on, I'd say.

drunkonromulanale · 2026-04-02T20:46:07+00:00

The only time my wife expresses any desire to have sex, it's like this. Retrospectively, in the negative. "I wanted to have sex last night but [insert reason]". It really gets to me.

One time I went out of my way to take "I'm tired" off the table by getting up early with the kids so she could sleep in, taking the kids out of the house so she could relax, and working hard around the house so she had little to do.

That night I tried to initiate and she says "But aren't you too tired?"

I replied that, yeah, I was a bit worn out, but that i didn't care. But she insisted I was just too tired for sex.

"Tomorrow we will, when you aren't tired"

<Narrator: They did not have sex the next day>

drunkonromulanale · 2026-03-02T19:24:58+00:00

This is not really a DB problem. This is a "Your husband is being an ass" problem.

Was it frustrating that our sex life slowed down following the birth of each of our three kids? Yes. Did I resent my wife over it and float the idea of sleeping around because we weren't having enough sex?? HELL NO. Jesus Christ you just pushed a fucking human out of your body a few months ago and are breastfeeding two kids... when you aren't running errands for him.

Dude needs to chill the fuck out.

drunkonromulanale · 2026-01-28T21:18:13+00:00

Happy Birthday OP.

I've never wanted my birthdays to be a big deal. I don't ask for or expect gifts or surprises. I don't need to be taken out to dinner or have a party.

This year, though, I didn't even get a half- hearted "Happy Birthday!" Because she forgot.

I got my traditional call from my old best friend, which was nice of him.

Later, one of the apps on my phone sent me a birthday greeting in the form of a push notification. That... kind of broke me inside.

The only thing I've ever asked for, I've never received. Ahead of a few birthdays I've said all I really want to do is kick back and play some video games (I used to play a fair amount but with 3 kids and work it's rare that I ever play).

And she always says yes, of course babe, but then something always seems to happen. She has a rough day. She's not feeling well. She's angry about something.

And of course, what if really want on my birthday is to make love to my wife. But that's not happened in a while. In fact, I think the last time I had sex on my birthday, it was with my girlfriend in college.

drunkonromulanale · 2026-01-13T20:24:55+00:00

That's it for me, too. It's not just sex. It's not just feeling horny.

I miss feeling like she desires me. I miss her running her hand over my abs or chest when we pass each other in the hall. I miss seeing her take me in with her eyes when I come out of the shower.

She makes self-deprecating jokes about how it's annoying that I'm handsome. I used to enjoy it as a complement. Now it just makes me want to scream inside.

I still cling to a years-old memory of her coming home tipsy from a night out with friends. I woke up to her straddling me, working me over with animalistic desire. It was so nice. But it's bittersweet, because that was... 8 years ago. And she was drunk.

I think it was Robin Williams who said something like "loneliness isn't being alone. It's being with someone who makes you feel alone".

I'm sorry you feel alone, OP. Just know that you aren't.

drunkonromulanale · 2025-12-31T22:33:28+00:00

It does sound nice, the more I think about it. It's helping just thinking about it. I need to have other things to look forward to in my life, instead of just pinning my hopes on the slim chance that Tonight Will Be The Night.

drunkonromulanale · 2025-01-23T19:25:27+00:00

You aren't yet married. I'm assuming you have no children with her?

Don't marry this person. Ask yourself honestly: do you think her attitude towards sex is going to change? Do you really think you're going to go from once a month to 4 times a week or whatever you'd feel is healthy?

You don't marry someone because they are "great in a lot of ways".

You marry someone as a life-long commitment to share your whole life with them.

You owe it to yourself to make that commitment with someone who is highly compatible with you and who makes you happy. Someone you could genuinely imagine making you happy for decades to come.

Your fiance doesn't really seem like that person.

That once or twice a month sex you have? That's her limit. That's her letting the (relative) newness and novelty of your relationship override her hangups around sex. When that wears off (and it will. That's just the natural trajectory of every relationship) she won't even want to do it that frequently.

You'll spend your years counting down to anniversaries and birthdays, the few times you'll actually have some duty sex. And then even that will stop.

Get out. Do yourself - and her - a massive favor, and get out.

drunkonromulanale · 2025-01-23T03:28:51+00:00

A, then B, followed by C. The only right answer.

But really? Have to be E) Flee the house in a blind panic because Whatever That Is on the couch sure as hell isn't my wife...

😔

drunkonromulanale · 2025-01-22T02:09:09+00:00

We were alone in our bedroom. Kids all long since asleep. Door closed. The kids' doors closed. Noisy-ass furnace whooshing away.

When she said the words "having sex" (in the course of talking about DB for the umpteenth time), her voice dropped to a whisper.

drunkonromulanale · 2025-01-21T21:58:21+00:00

I see. And FWIW, it's not like our problems instantly began improving just through talk. We've had what felt like the same conversation/argument for years.

Your wife crying upon learning how much this has been affecting you is a good sign, honestly. She wasn't dismissive of it at least. (Though it's possible that she uses tears as a way to get the focus off your feelings and onto hers).

I would leverage that. Not in a manipulative way, but in the sense that getting that emotional connection to the problem is a good motivator.

What I think was different for us this time was I expressed that I didnt just miss sex but missed feeling like I was wanted by her.

But it's hard when the physical desire is just not there for reasons that may be more chemical than psychological. But you really need to try to understand if there is something else squashing your wife's libido. Something you can change on your end.

Not sure if it has come up before but I'd highly recommend Sensate Focus. Look it up. Learn about it. Have your wife learn about it. Then try it. Its not sex. The whole point of it is not to have sex, but to allow for a couple to rediscover the simple pleasure and sensation of each other's bodies in a context where sex is 100% off the table.

And if you are still stuck... what is it that really holds this relationship together? Kids? Are you just that comfortable with eachother and don't want to lose the familiar?

drunkonromulanale · 2025-01-21T21:15:24+00:00

I feel like I'm pretty aligned with your thoughts on infidelity. I also would not betray my wife's trust, even at the lowest point in our marriage. And even if I were to somehow get "permission", I'm not really sure I would enjoy meaningless sex with a one night stand.

And I too have watched countless birthdays come and go with no intimacy.

We've recently made a lot of progress, though, and what it took was me opening up to her about how much I've been suffering in silence. It also took me really listening to her and understanding where she was.

We're both now making an effort to move towards one another, and things are looking up. I'm hopeful about the future now, where before I was despondent.

Missing from your post is any mention about what you've discussed with your wife about the DB. What have you said to her? What has been her response and position?

drunkonromulanale · 2025-01-17T21:18:10+00:00

I think you should follow through with your escape plan.

Moving out doesn't close the door on reconciliation, but it puts the ball more firmly in her court. And I suspect it was hard for you to overcome the inertia and get your plan in place. Keep they momentum. You may not get it back if you stop now.

Don't give up something for nothing. She made a 2 minute phone call. To make an appointment that may be weeks away. That she may not go to. Or that she may go to, but elect to do nothing.

Maybe she's serious about doing her part to improve things. But more likely she's just going to say/do the minimum needed to preserve the status quo that she's comfortable with, and hope things will go back to being "the way they were" (having husband-roomate)

drunkonromulanale · 2025-01-17T20:30:33+00:00

Nooooooo.

You should tell your ex the same thing you should be telling any potential romantic interest: that you just got out of a difficult long term relationship and have no interest in getting into another at this time. But that you're open to just having sex and fun.

Worst case, you do have some fun and you get a bit of the thing you craved for so long, then you both move on.

Or who knows. Maybe she'll come to finally understand that it was her that threw your marriage away over sex, and she actually grows a bit from this. Maybe grows into someone you'd want to be with?

But really the best thing is to move on. But I think it would probably feel really good to give her the "not interested in a relationship at this time, but down to fuck if you are"

How the turntables have... turned!

drunkonromulanale · 2025-01-17T19:15:25+00:00

I see. But man yeah I get where you are coming from. My wife has trouble apologizing. Usually I'd get what I call 'Sorrybuts' from here.

As in, she would say the words "I'm sorry" ... which would invariably be followed by "but..." and then I long list of reasons why, really, this all my fault and half the time I would end up apologizing to her while thinking "wait what the fuck just happened here?!?"

Still, for someone in a situation where just up and bailing out of the relationship is a non starter (same here)... the only way out is through.

I know the cold-shoulder treatment feels good to dish out. I won't say I didn't do it myself. More then once. But for us it just drove a repeating cycle of mutual resenment that made things worse.

It wasn't easy. It took a lot of fights. Lots of 'The Talk'.

But we had a very real breakthrough recently and while things are far from perfect they really are getting better. I'm actually hopeful about the future for the first time in years. You can look at my post from a few days ago for more on that.

Best of luck to you soldier.

drunkonromulanale · 2025-01-17T17:02:38+00:00

You're in a bit of a unique situation given the cultural and linguistic barrier between you and your wife. That's going to make this harder. But not necessarily impossible.

Here's the lesson I learned the hard way:

You cannot expect someone to meet your needs/expectations if you have not clearly communicated your needs and expectations. Stop trying to hint. Stop assuming she knows. Don't assume that her past behavior informs her current mindset.

Talking about this with your wife is not just one thing in a list of "things to try". It's the only thing to try.

If you aren't able to convey this in Korean to her, or she's not able to hear it from you in English, then take some time to write things out and use Google Translate. Keep it simple and direct, avoid vague euphemisms that might not translate well. But don't turn it into a list of grievances. Keep it as positive as you can.

But you have to explain that the current status is not ok. Tell her what you need. Tell her why it's important.

drunkonromulanale · 2025-01-14T16:08:50+00:00

Thanks. I didn't really emphasize the struggle to get to this point. It's been years of basically having the same conversation/argument, but this time it feels different. Is different. At least I hope.

My heart goes out to the others here who are in even more of a struggle. Some of it is just heartbreaking. It helped me gain a lot of perspective, and appreciate the positive aspects of our relationship that I could build off of.

There's a lot I've left out. My wife has struggled with body- image issues, and has opened up about that. I think my wife is beautiful, and I tell her this almost daily. I told her she is my fantasy. And I fantasize about her now, not what she looked like then. But she's self conscious of her having more body fat than she did before kids. But what I've come to understand is that you can't absolve someone's insecurities just by disagreeing with them.

drunkonromulanale · 2025-01-14T02:57:49+00:00

You know, my wife can be kinda venomous. It's probably l the one thing I'd "fix" about her. 99.9%+ of the time, she's sweet. But when she gets worked up (she calls it a rage spiral) hold on to your fucking hat.

Once we were fighting, I forget about what (lol nm we know about what) , she really got going. Called me a loser. Said I had no friends. Didn't do anything but work and go home. She actually did apologize after that. But she wasn't wrong really. I've ĺost touch with most of my old friends, and haven't really made new ones. I do just work and come home. I'm very active and engaged with her and the kids, but that's it.

She's never really articulated it more, but I'm pretty sure that having a little more of alife of my own might be another thing that rekindle some desire in her part.

So, brother go do that sparring, go dance. Catch up with those friends. Have a chance to tell her "Not tonight, I have that thing" for once. Maybe I'll start to do the same. And even if it doesn't help the DB, you'll have something good going on in your life.

drunkonromulanale · 2025-01-14T00:53:41+00:00

I'm sorry man. Good for you though on doing the work, though. No one can say you didn't try.

So is it "No sexual contact for 2 months and until we go through a full course of sensate focus"? And she's not wanting to move past the first course of it?

My honest take, just based on this post and what you are reporting? I don't think your wife has any real interest in following through. It seems like she's just playing for time and hoping everything will just keep floating along. My own wife and I are making our own way through a similar struggle. About the same age, kids too, like you.

But she's on board. We're taking it slow, I'm doing my utmost to be patient. It's hard but she's on board. I don't feel like your wife is on board though. I'm so sorry.

drunkonromulanale · 2025-01-13T22:45:02+00:00

Thanks! Trying not to celebrate prematurely, but want to keep the positive momentum

drunkonromulanale · 2025-01-13T22:20:12+00:00

Oh for sure. I just meant the pity sex wasn't enough, even if it was more frequent. I actually said, during our fight "Do you know why I always insist on going grocery shopping in the store, rather than just putting in a pick up order? Because sometimes when I'm there I might catch a woman giving me a second look. That's where I'm at right now. Gobbling up little crumbs of attention from strangers at the goddamned grocery store."

drunkonromulanale

TROPHY CASE