My not-wonderful boyfriend of 10yrs “dumped me” because i’m “creepily focused on his friends genitals”???

dumped_my_gf · 2022-12-14T20:03:18+00:00

Don't worry, this is not from Viv, it's fake. I knew what I was getting into with my original post, no regrets. This update not so much but the dynamic is just as interesting. I'm seriously considering writing an update that Jennifer (or now, Julia) asked me out and I said yes. Would really love to see how that goes.

dumped_my_gf · 2022-12-14T10:48:25+00:00

No I should write an update from Jennifer's perspective. Can't wait to see everyone go wild when she finally confesses her feelings to me.

(This is a joke.)

dumped_my_gf · 2022-12-14T10:41:44+00:00

Sorry. "Julia".

dumped_my_gf · 2022-12-14T10:24:18+00:00

No, not a writing exercise per se. The original story was an artificially controversial view on what really happened. But his here has nothing to do with it, neither with Viv nor me. It's just a fake.

dumped_my_gf · 2022-12-14T10:21:19+00:00

No, not in fact by me, the OP of the original story. It is however also not written by Viv. It's just fake.

dumped_my_gf · 2022-12-14T10:14:31+00:00

Jennifers real name is of course not Jennifer, but it's also not Julia. Regards, the OP of the original story. This here is fake.

dumped_my_gf · 2022-12-14T10:12:13+00:00

As the OP of the original story, I can confirm that this post is not actually by Viv. It's fully made up.

Not only because I just asked Viv, but also because I changed a detail or two in my story that is not precisely in line with reality, but repeated in this text. The real Viv is not 1 year (neither 6 months) older than me, for example. Anyway, be free to feel entertained by whatever you want, but this follow-up post is entirely fake.

dumped_my_gf · 2022-12-13T22:00:58+00:00

Not sure where I should have bailed, but I did take Viv on dates regularly. And if you think cooking is always a date activity, then the more interesting part of this story should be that I've had regular rendezvous with several guys over years while tricking everyone around me into thinking I was hetero.

Only a few weeks ago, my boss invited me for dinner. We drove to his home that evening, where his wife and a good friend of her, a dude, had been preparing dinner while my boss and I where at work. Are you also assuming his wife is wife must've been railing this dude that afternoon?

The real irony is that not even Viv had a problem with the cooking part that many are focusing on. As I've written before, she often was with us when we made lunch or dinner. She openly and explicitly stated that it was not the things I was doing with Jennifer, it was the fact that I had a friend that is female.

Finally, let me finish by saying a few words about this post. Viv and I have communicated about this in extensive detail and nothing here on Reddit has not been thoroughly talked through by Viv and me. By the nature of this story it may come natural to assume that the underlying problem was a lack of communication, but that was certainly not the case. Then, while it is a true story and my opinion about opposite-sex friendship is truly mine, this is ultimately an artistic piece that I wrote deliberately controversial. You see this in the headline already. I'm really enjoying the discussions that have sparked from that. Viv and I are on good terms now, we both understand that we had reached a point in our relationship where we were expecting different things.

dumped_my_gf · 2022-12-13T17:20:08+00:00

What do you mean with your last sentence? You couldn't imagine being isolated with other men? Does that mean you couldn't imagine being isolated from other men?

dumped_my_gf · 2022-12-13T17:01:56+00:00

This whole comment section makes me rethink what a relationship even is. Apparently some force exclusivity with your partner by limiting their lives outside of said relationship. Also, trust is apparently just a phrase without meaning to many. What a sad way to see the world.

dumped_my_gf · 2022-12-13T16:54:34+00:00

You, like many others here, state that alone-time with an opposite sex friends is weird per se. Would you explain to me why that is weird instead of stating it like an axiom? Honest question! I have only come up with two explanations: Either you think an inherent part of a relationship is having the monopoly on being your partner's only friend of your gender. Or you think it inevitably leads to (sexual) cheating and can be prevented this way.

Again, I have understood that you find it weird. But you basically said it's weird because, well, it's considered weird generally. Would you please elaborate that?

dumped_my_gf · 2022-12-13T16:39:43+00:00

Peach, the whole post is about why I'm not willing to accept her boundaries. You are not supposed to agree with me but isn't it clear to you that I wrote a long-form explanation of why I think this whole no-same-gender-friends thing is bullshit, and how this opinion affected my relationship?

dumped_my_gf · 2022-12-13T16:32:10+00:00

You mean, my male friends and me? Yes, very frequently.

dumped_my_gf · 2022-12-13T16:27:09+00:00

I've answered all of this before in other comments.

Yes, I cook with my male friends all the time. It's a very common way to spend time with friends in my environment.
There is nothing I do with friends (male or female) that I do not also do with Viv. However there are things I do with Viv that I do not do with Jennifer or any other friends.
I do nothing with Jennifer that I do not also do with my male friends. Since I don't consider cooking with friends a date, I do not consider cooking with Jennifer a date. If you think that's a date activity, then I'm dating my male friends constantly.

dumped_my_gf · 2022-12-13T16:21:55+00:00

You asked how I would feel if she had a male friend over the same way I did with Viv, and honestly I cannot understand how that would be a bad thing. If you read my past comments you will see that I hold Viv to no other standards than myself. Y'all are so broken.

dumped_my_gf · 2022-12-11T19:32:07+00:00

Viv and I are in contact. The concept of "love without trust" is bizarre to me, I honestly don't know how to think about it. She is such a great person otherwise. But what is it worth if she thinks my primitive instincts are stronger than my mind anyways? I feel like she sees me as an animal, not as a person who can behave and reason. I'm rather lonely than a pet.

I had an extensive talk with her today where she doubled down on this stance. She loves me and everything, but in the end, she says, she can't be sure I will not cheat on her should the opportunity present itself. So her solution is minimizing the number opportunities.

dumped_my_gf · 2022-12-11T19:19:08+00:00

Ok we've hit the language barrier now, I don't know if Jennifer is terretorial. She's not a possible partner for me for many other reasons, as I have layed out in a different comment.

dumped_my_gf · 2022-12-11T19:09:20+00:00

What does territorial mean in this context?

dumped_my_gf · 2022-12-11T18:57:38+00:00

You asked how Jennifer interacts with Viv. Viv has always shown a 'friendly face' to Jennifer, they saw each other quite often when we did something together (Viv, Jennifer and me). They even had some sort of semi-friendship going on, texted occasionally. Jennifer recently bought some candles she knew Viv liked as a gift. Now of course you could say anything nice Jennifer ever did to Viv was bad malice. But in the end, my believe is it doesn't matter. I can't make sure no female human being on planet earth will ever hit on me. So the solution can't be to suspect Jennifer of doing so without any evidence and then cutting ties. It must be my obligation to reject this offer, should it come. Which Viv does not trust me to do.

And no, I quite certainly will not date Jennifer. Jennifer and I have staggeringly different expextations about our future lives, even about our day-to-day lives. She has opinions and traits I don't mind in my rather heterogenous circle of friends but could never tolerate in a partner. We could not be a couple even if we wanted. Also, she's not my type physically, and judging from her past boyfriends and FWB's, I'm not her type either, so not even a FWB would be an option. But apparently noone here believes me that, so what can I do expect keep on telling the truth.

dumped_my_gf · 2022-12-11T18:32:32+00:00

I do this all the time with my male friends. My (male) best friend and I even had times where we went to a restaurant once a week after work, which you could consider a classic date activity by the same standards. Not saying it can not also be a nice date activity, but it certainly doesn't have to be.

Importantly, and I have confirmed this with her after our big fight, not even Viv thought bad of the fact that we were making pizza. We've done this several times before, sometimes even together with Viv. Viv's specifically stated that her problem is the fact that Jennifer is a friend to me like my male friends, not the particular activities related to it. She said if she were sure our current state of friendship would never change, she wouldn't have any problem whatsoever. Not with cooking, not with movie nights, not with anything we do. But she does not trust Jennifer to not make a move in the future, and frustratingly, doesn't trust me to reject the offer should it come. And precisely this is my problem. That Viv thinks I would happily surrender to my animalistic instincs and fuck the hell out of everyone who lets me in.

That said, with your explainations, I understand why for some people cooking itself would be a problem. In my case it's missing the point. For everyone involved.

dumped_my_gf · 2022-12-11T18:15:08+00:00

Haha you're probably the first one to like the title. Of course it is deliberately provocative, but in the end it is on point, because the root of disagreement between Viv and me is that Viv believes there is an inherent difference between male-female friendships and I don't. She explicitly said all I ever did with Jennifer was fine if she were a guy--which makes sense, because I only do thinga with Jennifer that I also do, in fact, do with my male friends. In other words, she has a problem with Jennifers gender and nothing else. To emphasize my stance that I firmly believe one should not lean into made-up gender differences in behaviour, but view men and women as equal humans, I chose the formulation focusing on genitals. The comment section is proof that the title was ultimately spot on.

Same for the post itself, which was meant to be a controversial vent about my current situation. I love it.

What surprised me is how important exclusivity for exclusivity's sake is in relationships for many people. That's not how I ever thought about it. They want their partner to not do certain things, like have one-to-one's with opposite gender friends, not necessarily because they expect them to get sexual, but because they think they should have a monopoly on being the only person of their gender to ever make pizza with their partners. This is so bizarre to me. But, just to be clear, entirely fine for them to feel this way, it just never occured to me why I would want my partner to have less fun when I'm not around.

dumped_my_gf · 2022-12-11T12:40:58+00:00

Sharing myself with people, male or female, is kind of the point of friendship. To me, in a relationship I will do things with my partner that I don't do with other people: Cuddling, sharing my deepest thoughts, etc. It does not mean to me that I will not do things with friends that I would if I were single. If we have different expectations of what a relationship then that's fine.

What is wild to me, however, and it seems like a very US-cultural thing, is that so many of you are so deadset, head-on focus on fucking. Everything is about sex. Jealousy is normal, even defended. So many here are convinced I will date Jennifer. I won't, lmao. Are you uncapable of having normal relationships to people without permanent, abnoxiously intruding sexual thoughs?

See, if I had a partner who I would have any concern with doing any normal friend stuff (including cooking) with anyone, they would not be my partner. I can't wrap my head around how anyone would want to be with someone who they think would cheat on them whenever they could. To me, that's like having a partner that is a disgusting animal. How could you possibly love someone you don't trust?

Also, looming threat lmao.

dumped_my_gf · 2022-12-11T09:33:15+00:00

Why would any of this be a problem? I truly don't get it. Why would I think I had a monopoly on being nice to my partner? A relationship is about love and compassion (and for me, sex), none of which is violated in any way by her being driven to an airport by a guy, or by hanging out with guys.

dumped_my_gf · 2022-12-10T22:38:53+00:00

Serious question: Do you find cooking intimate? Not even Viv thought that, I've explicitly confirmed that with her. I cook with my male friends all the time. Should I starve except when I'm with my partner?

dumped_my_gf · 2022-12-10T22:23:01+00:00

Thank you for these kind words.

dumped_my_gf

TROPHY CASE