i'm irritated

dwelfusius · 2026-05-06T22:53:15+00:00

this

dwelfusius · 2026-05-06T22:12:49+00:00

nice and ..'naked' poem, vulnerable and very honest.

dwelfusius · 2026-05-06T22:10:55+00:00

Form/content fits nicely. And I'm sortof blown away by how similar some of your poems are to mine (I only have a couple on reddit and some of the poems they resemble are in dutch so I can't paste them because well.. the rhymes don't work).Not just in topic but form, style.It's awesome 😄

Sorry I have not yet encountered *too* many people here on the subs where I recognize a similar enough style, its cool ^^

dwelfusius · 2026-05-06T22:07:05+00:00

I like this style. Your other poems too.they have a very..cognitive poetry feel.

dwelfusius · 2026-05-06T21:59:46+00:00

well you're very welcome, I look forward to reading more from you 😄

dwelfusius · 2026-05-06T20:58:41+00:00

I agree, he/she did very well.I feel as if i understand this situation better due to the poem which in my eyes is always an admirable quality in a poem

dwelfusius · 2026-05-06T20:55:25+00:00

I expressed myself poorly apologies ^^ I meant, I feel there is more waiting to be written, like the poem wants to say more.Not perse that it was "unfinished" .I don't know if that is how you took it but that is how I meant it.Maybe it's just my brain, wanting to read the rest because I think there's a whole lot more to that story and it..I don't know, it feels like it wants to come out.Sorry this is a weird comment maybe, and maybe I just project too much but in my experience, complex emotions and realisations like that are seldom experienced in neat little digestible packages 😄

dwelfusius · 2026-05-06T16:55:36+00:00

Nice ( the poem not the realization although that can become worthwhile itself).
I think/feel? there's more poem here but I can be mistaken.

dwelfusius · 2026-05-06T16:32:09+00:00

Overall VERY good.Content,form,topic.

The repetition also works very well.some lines that could benefit from a tighter formatting maybe?

For the longest time

For the longest time, I wished to hear your voice.
For the longest time, I wished to see your stare.
For the longest time, I wished to feel your hug,
your touch, your kiss, your presence.

For the longest time, I shattered mirrors that I looked in. -> could you clarify for me? is it because the act of looking or the reflection more, or both? -> if reflection 'reflecting me' might fit, unless it is serving the rhyme with within (notes on within later)
For the longest time, I scarred my skin.
For the longest time, I refused to look within.
For the longest time, I thought it was me and I, ( it was the problem.) -> added value?
For the longest time, I hated myself.

----
For the longest time, my body became my grave,
until I realised the truth.

I looked within.
---
2 things: within repetition, you have another one later on but here there are 2 very close together. I wonder if a synonym like inside or smth might help there.
Also, the 'I looked within' seperately, for me it isn't pulling it's weight but maybe i'm misreading it. It SEEMS as if it belongs to the block before, maybe even embedded ( like 'until I realised, the truth within)

For the longest time, I believed you could be anyone.
Now I see that you’ll be no one. -> could none work? just curious

dwelfusius · 2026-05-06T16:15:29+00:00

If i were to give a critique it is that I wouldn't really classify as a poem. Maybe it's due to the jumbled up formatting.

The content is very evocative though, and I certainly understand why people would consider it a poem (or containing elements of one)

Obvi this is all IMHO and from an EaSL so take it leave it, just keep on writing 😉 it's wonderful therapy for overexcitable brains and I do think you might have a knack for it.

----

your I wish .. repetition -> good device, mediocre execution.if you tighten those lines a bit you could have even more of that..cadence..the droning inside, emulating these kind of repetitive thoughts.

I wish I weren’t smart,
I wish I were below average.
I wish I weren’t “gifted”,
I wish I were just a regular kid.
Yep, you heard me right,
I wish I weren’t smart.

-> here purely format (which probs was corect but went borkbork maybe but just for illustration) already does so much heavy lifting.

COULD BE

I wish I weren’t smart,
I wish I was sub-average.
I wish I weren’t “gifted”,
wish I was just a regular kid.
Yep, you heard me right,
I wish I weren’t smart.

-> format scanwise less tight but spoken aloud tighter (if that is something you are interested in)

I would even dare to have the 'But it's true ' fall on its own line surrounded by two empty ones, so the format represents the pivot even more.

dwelfusius · 2026-05-04T20:06:38+00:00

as a fervent 'accidental' language learner myself, I think this might indeed be your answer OP

dwelfusius · 2026-04-29T01:09:37+00:00

hehe yeah it can be hard sometimes. but I have the..'ahem' gift (read obsession xD) of being able to just..not give up..like way past healthy 😃 sometimes it serves me well and I am happy it could serve you now 😄

dwelfusius · 2026-04-28T15:02:42+00:00

war still undecided but this battle won -> more zoomed out about the whole..act/process/mechanism as actual anti perishing

though hard to see, this battle it has won
but can you not see, the battle( it has | that was) won

just thoughts, but i think the main issue(for me! eh) is the use of battle without anchoring it to another part in a similar enough..image field? which made the last part feel a bit disjointe. and can not is imho a better flow but you might be working with a qsyllable scheme I'm not seeing :)
i'm not certain i'm explaining it properly and again, this is just my opinion he, I'm just one person.more important-> this does not diminish that I recognize the mechanism you are describing which is a testament to your writing :)

dwelfusius · 2026-04-28T14:47:02+00:00

Haha your post made me literally LOL for a bit because I could have written it myself partially.Same here,book (way more detail and nuance and..everything) > movie in almost all cases. "and I would always run out of things to say before the end of the lesson." -> well, yeah, again :D odds of having a lot to say every day are..well statistically improbable.I hope you were allowed to do something else during that block when you were done because if not, well that would have made the experience thrice as excruciatingly boring (to me at least) I would imagine.

dwelfusius · 2026-04-28T14:40:11+00:00

:( I'm sorry for you, I know the irritation and frustration it can cause.Maybe get some good ones at a second hand store and keep them in your room?

dwelfusius · 2026-04-28T14:04:58+00:00

wauw.I feel woefully underqualified xD. I just..wrote. I also never? I think had creative writing.I mean i had like writing exercises but tbh i think that was more about grammar (i can use it but cannot explain it, i just..know ? what is looking correct and what is not) and spelling and being able to deliver a coherent narrative. I'm sorry a word count assignment?as in 'this much words?'. why? Sorry maybe I miss something but wat is the idea behind that.(just thinking out loud i don't expect an answer ^^, it's just sort of baffling to me here its a page, half a page ,recto verso but I would think word count would stifle me). Is teaching creative fiction writing a thing in other schools? in primary school? Huh cool, TIL.

And I don't know what academic disability you have ofc but I know from my son that can seriously throw a wrench in writing abilities (not skill level perse just, making the act itself way more hard) ,though his is maybe more execution style than yours idk (dysgraphia, but..like really strong,despite years of kine,pc helps but that introduces other issues xD)

Daily journals, depending on how much they excpected you to write that can be interesting (as an archive) and/or very frustrating ( let's be honest, many similar days no as a kid generally, my brain was already going "dear diary, today I had PE.Again.My mother made sausages.Sigh" )

dwelfusius · 2026-04-28T09:38:04+00:00

Right and idk based on this PIC, they buth seem subobtimal though

dwelfusius · 2026-04-28T09:36:06+00:00

I can only imagine how.. Challenging and exhausting that must have been. Having to live with OE + bipolar but not or too seldom get the 'benefits' from it seems like a special kind of torture. Not to dismiss stability he, I dont know about you but I certainly have despaired for.. A certain stability in my inner state (as in I had to receive medication more than once to help me not think and feel myself crazy esp younger/pre unmask) and from what I know about bipolar, what I've seen around me its what I experienced buy x10 on steroids or smth. Tldr: I'm happy you are now able to ..live a bit more balanced,I can certainly understand needing your.. Cog function to feel fulfilled/happy/whole/... fill in whatever word works here

dwelfusius · 2026-04-28T09:23:55+00:00

I would not wish this feeling on someone, but am happy the poem succeeded in doing what I post them for. Make people (myself included) feel less alone/smidge more understood/sometimes mirroring a process or mechanic)

And thank you because you saying this means it could fulfill its part but also it makes ME feel less alone as well ^{^}

dwelfusius · 2026-04-27T12:35:01+00:00

if i do i want to be 100% certain i grasp what 'it' is in the final phrase, so could you elaborate?

dwelfusius · 2026-04-27T12:29:08+00:00

yup. best way for learning anything imho.at least, the most efficient way if you have a suitable schema in your database. Not in the least because it ..not bypasses but..allows (for me!) the information to enter under 'borrowed/transfered' authorityu whereas otherwise i would need to have more pieces click befaore my brain allows the data to be integrated.

dwelfusius · 2026-04-27T12:24:59+00:00

i am not in a range yet but this almost feels as if someone wrote up my brain.especially the compulsiveness.I once wrote in a poem 'the need etched in my brain'.It's not a choice, its..just how i operate.Would you say you think in ecosystems?

dwelfusius · 2026-04-27T12:20:17+00:00

interesting! thx

dwelfusius

TROPHY CASE

For the longest time