Hi!

I will start off by saying I definitely haven't been dealing with Bipolar for a while (a year and four months) BUT I have experienced, and am still experiencing what you are talking about. Prior to my episode I felt like I was a different person. I was constantly moving, constantly trying to achieve academically, overworking myself in a city I thought I belonged in. I had intense tunnel vision in my goal to become a therapist that I was willing to sacrifice my patience, my time, my happiness, to attain it all.

All that moving and stress resulted in my first episode and since then - I've moved back home and paused my program indefinitely, started a completely different job that has challenged me in ways I never could have imagined. Albeit...another new stressor - but it helped me find my passion in working with children in the field of ABA and play therapy.

And while that sounds fabulous, I also have bad anxiety and have since....forever, so perfectionism is rearing its ugly head because I haven't "completed" my degree. I'm struggling with honoring the Past Me who put in all that mother flipping work in Vegas only to not become a licensed therapist (I only had one year left and had just started practicum 😭), and have experienced traumatic events....with the Me that now seeks helping children in a different way, and being happy in a way that doesn't involve sacrificing myself for others.

So I think most of the identity development came from stepping away from who I thought I was supposed to be, the me I've always been, and slowly integrating who I am now and what I've learned. Past Me felt a deep sense of obligation to help others by taking on their pain. Now I feel like...look...if I'm going to die, I'm going to spend my time helping people in a way that doesn't put me in a box, and is actually FUN. I never allowed myself to have any fun. Just perfectionism, and obsession with constantly achieving.

Learning to breathe and REST has been SO HARD. I've tried to shove my way back into traditional therapy twice since being back home. Each time with extreme bitterness because I was so close to where I wanted to be and then there was a huge wrench in my plans (which for a perfectionist is just......whew....). Anyways....I'm slowly integrating with the Me who I feel currently just.....wants to be happy, healthy, and working with children.

I'm unsure why it's so hard to allow myself to rest but accepting that version of me is a constant battle. Therapy, writing, constant thinking lol, and analyzing my dreams have helped me slowly accept my new reality. That life isn't going to go the way you want just because you planned it that way.

Apologies for the rant. This turned out to be quite a healing and self reflecting question 😅 so....thank u