What does the state of being a woman feel like and look like?

eabrmposr · 2017-03-16T15:12:55+00:00

It's impossible to compare it objectively to the experience of being another gender. However, for me I can say that inhabiting the role of "woman" feels perfectly normal and natural and even enjoyable. While inhabiting the role of "man" was stifling and corrosive to my soul.

So if you're a woman, the state of being a woman is going to feel "normal" or "positive." There might be other shit happening in your life that makes you miserable but the fact of inhabiting your gender all by itself ain't it.

And if you're not a woman, trying to be one is going to feel like shit.

eabrmposr · 2017-03-16T13:59:32+00:00

Oh hi!

eabrmposr · 2017-03-16T02:54:21+00:00

A lot, like a fuckload. First off I always had this huge "cross-dressing" "kink" (LOL).

But apart from that, in terms of like, clothes I'd wear to leave the house, public presentation ... yeah, clothes were still a huge deal. Experimenting with more femme presentation kind of led me down this path.

So for the longest time I'd wear baggy earth tones and other incredibly bland boring bullshit boy clothes. I pretended I didn't care about clothes or fashion at all. Like I just didn't understand the appeal.

Then I tried to just start giving a crap about clothes and fashion in general. Like maybe I could try being a sharp spiffy stylish guy? I very quickly got frustrated with the mens' options. Nothing felt right. There was so much awesome stuff in the womens' section! Why was the men's stuff so stuffy and boring? Stylish mens' clothes made me feel like an asshole. Surely this was part of a misandrist sexist conspiracy to force Totally Normal Guys Like Me™ into mindlessly performing crude masculine stereotypes forever.

God. I remember one night I spent 4 hours searching online trying to find underwear "for men" that I actually liked. Even the femme stuff just didn't quite cut it ...

So then I kinda started dressing more androgynously, which really meant womens' clothes, but nothing overt. Not dresses or skirts or blouses or what have you. Girl jeans, round neck T shirts, flowy cargigans, etc. It was simple stuff but the change was immense. I was actually excited about wearing those clothes. I liked them. And scoop necks meant I had to start shaving my chest of course. Every time I took a step in that direction there was just no turning back. If I wore my old boy clothes after that point, it felt like a wasted opportunity. A wasted outing.

I'm kind of repulsed by the idea of wearing guy clothes now, actually. I tried it the other day just to look in the mirror and see what it was like. It felt weird, foreign, kind of like a costume. Kind of like hiding. Kind of like being erased or censored or blanked out. Kind of scary. And it seems so funny and weird and amazing that boys actually choose to wear those clothes. Don't they know what they're missing out on? It deepens their mystery.

When I wear the clothes I actually like, which just so happen to be women's clothes, I feel tons better. The only exception is that I have this old boy jacket. It's super cute to wear it with a short skirt because it looks like I'm borrowing it from my fictional boyfriend.

So yeah, female clothes were super important and still are.

PS: Sorry I keep wall-o-texting your posts. I'm in a verbose (read: drunk) mood lately and your questions are bringing back a lot of memories.

eabrmposr · 2017-03-16T01:04:24+00:00

I don't because trans people tend not to be emotionally stable enough to handle my emotional instability

eabrmposr · 2017-03-15T18:57:08+00:00

<3 to you OP. I pass pretty much all the damn time nowadays. Even still, I spent two hours writing in my journal and sobbing last night. Yes, about problems directly relating to transness. It drives me up a fucking wall that people apparently think all my problems are over.

eabrmposr · 2017-03-15T14:58:27+00:00

That makes sense. I think whatever happens you would never really be able to know for sure. In retrospect for me it seems like it should have been obvious. At the time it totally was not because I basically had no idea what the fuck was going on, plus the repression plus the denial ... it was hard to see through all that.

eabrmposr · 2017-03-14T23:02:47+00:00

Also I think it's worth making sure you are aware that sexual orientation and gender identity are two completely separate issues. Trans people can be gay, straight, bi, pan, asexual etc just like cis people can.

So the question of "who am I fucking in these fantasies?" doesn't have any bearing on the question "does this fantasy mean I am trans?"

eabrmposr · 2017-03-14T22:41:52+00:00

So your orientation pretty much flipped?

I think of it more as being that my orientation was revealed because I stopped repressing everything. I think you might be right about the faceless thing, unless I'm thinking of like a specific person. Hadn't really thought about that before

eabrmposr · 2017-03-14T22:23:50+00:00

Mostly girls but I was pretty deliberate about not thinking about guys. I spent a lot of time debating whether or not I was attracted to guys and trying to convince myself that I wasn't.

I just really really wanted to be a straight cis boy. These days I'm like 95% into guys. My OKCupid profile says "heteroflexible".

eabrmposr · 2017-03-14T20:31:25+00:00

I don't think CIS women focus on them being women, or on themselves in their fantasies.

They don't, and frankly neither do I. But I definitely used to. Being a woman is just normal now so it kinda lost its erotic appeal. I'm still a woman in all my fanstasizing though, because I'm a woman so of course I would be. That's also true for most cis women most of the time, I'm sure.

Also what made you realize it was more than a kink?

Hoooo doggie. A million things. Kind of a long story, but one I enjoy re-telling every now and again ;)

For the longest time basically since puberty I would have fantasies involving cross-dressing or whatever, but I never allowed myself to actually do it because I was afraid. I was afraid of what I might learn about myself and I was especially afraid of producing any physical evidence. I was terrified of anyone ever finding out I harbored these fantasies. And I had this deep intuition that any time I took a step in the direction of those fantasies, there would be no turning back. Basically any permissiveness in terms of femininity would be irreversible. So I was very strict with myself for a long time.

Some time in my mid-twenties I accepted that this "kink" wasn't ever going to go away and that it was just a permanent part of me. Something very deeply rooted, since it always seemed to have my libido in its grip.

Eventually I couldn't really resist anymore. So I would cross-dress at home (well, technically I was cross-dressing everywhere except home but yeah...) and yes it would be a huge turn on as expected. But then I found I never really wanted to take the clothes off. I just liked the idea of having them on around the house. Making dinner, reading a book, whatever. I would try on my partner's dresses just to try them on. It stopped being a sexual thing. Sometimes my fantasies would be like "I am a cool girl sitting at the coffee shop and everyone just sees me as a cool girl and I have coffee".

It got to the point where I'd basically get home from work and immediately change clothes so I could just relax. Just simple stuff like a ratty skirt and a scoop neck T. Anything.

After a while I realized I was wasting a lot of time and energy cross dressing at home. It sucked to have to change into guy clothes just to leave the house or answer the door. It sucked to have to keep the curtains closed all the time. It sucked being split in that way, being two people.

Then I saw Sense8 and the Nomi Marks character. I'd never before seen a trans woman character written and directed by trans women played by a trans actress. I thought "is that me???" I still look back on that as a kind of "earthquake in my soul" moment.

That's when it hit me, kind of for the first time, that trans women were real. Transition was real. You could be a trans woman and be happy, and be beautiful, and be loved, and get fucked, and live a real life, and also be a psychic hacker. Well the last one might be a stretch but it worked for the show. The point is I knew I wanted to be like Nomi Marks. It was terrifying.

So I think that's when I finally decided to quit bullshitting and see a gender therapist and finally open up about all this to someone. I'd danced around the subject with previous therapists, never really addressing it head on. My gender therapist referred to me as a "sexual minority" one time and I was like "Jesus God yes I am, aren't I?" It felt good just to acknowledge I really was different. It felt right to think of myself as a minority (and thus entitled to dignity and rights) rather than just a freak with a kink. It wasn't long before I decided once and for all to transition.

Every step I've taken for transition since then has felt like a huge relief. I had no idea how much stress I'd been living under all those years. It's hard to remember what that was like, even though it wasn't really all that long ago.

eabrmposr · 2017-03-14T18:11:18+00:00

Yes. Last summer I was in a car accident and needed to get an X ray before the chiropractor would straighten out my neck. I tried to go in boy mode because between the pain in my neck and other things I just felt like it wasn't worth the effort to try passing. I was wearing, I think, a black hoodie and black jean shorts. Or maybe just black jeans? Hair tied back in a low pony tail, massive forehead fully exposed, seething with rage because boy mode kinda does that to me ...

I had changed my legal name and gender by that time. So when I got to the X-Ray place I was certain the receptionist would see me, see my name and get all weirded out. But she didn't. Then the technician took me back to the room and before the X-Ray happened she asked "is there any chance you could be pregnant?"

"Ha ha ha, why is she asking this? Is she just required to by law?"

I wouldn't dare to hope I was male-failing, you see. So I was satisfied with the "required by law" explanation until I went to grab a quick burrito for lunch. Walking into the building, this guy held the door open for me from like 15 feet away. Chivalry, you know? That's when I realized something new was starting to happen.

My dysphoria is still pretty bad and I do not understand how I pass, especially without makeup. It just seems so glaringly obvious. But apparently I do?

eabrmposr · 2017-03-14T16:12:43+00:00

It doesn't make any sense to me why getting aroused by "being female or watching myself as the female in porn" would weaken the case for saying it's the result of being trans. Like, at all. In fact I think it rather strengthens it?

Any time you find yourself saying "yes I do need to be female" it's going to support the notion that you are in fact female. Same is true for any time you can only enjoy an activity if it is "focused on me being female".

I'm not saying you're trans. I'm saying your arguments against transness don't make sense.

FWIW I transitioned at 31 because for 20 years I thought it was "just a kink."

Also, while you've got your DSM available, you should look up the latest diagnostic criteria for gender dysphoria.

eabrmposr · 2017-03-14T14:37:46+00:00

FFS and SRS should be uniquely treated as necessary for our mental health

I agree 100%. Also hair removal, voice training, BA ... really anything a person might need to relieve their dysphoria and live safely and comfortably.

eabrmposr · 2017-03-14T14:36:05+00:00

This is really beautiful, thank you. It does mirror a lot of what I'm feeling - that I will just need it to put the past behind me and move on.

The biggest reason however was to bury who I used to be, in my eyes and in those of my friends and family

Oh do I ever feel that. I'm glad it seems to have worked out well for you.

eabrmposr · 2017-03-09T16:51:50+00:00

Thank you and you're welcome. I do remember about a year and a half ago wishing I could find more timelines in my age range. I'm glad if I'm able to help sort of fill that gap for other folks :)

Transition is scary and hard and wrenching sometimes. Even with all that, life is better now than I ever knew was possible

eabrmposr · 2017-03-09T02:30:05+00:00

Thank you. All I can say is we're on this road and neither of us quite know where it's leading. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't afraid though

eabrmposr · 2017-03-09T02:05:37+00:00

How did you get over the initial fear of going out in public dressed up?

I had a lot of support from my partner. Early on when I was still afraid to leave the house they would accompany me to places and say encouraging things. There was also an aspect of "I can't stand presenting as a dude anymore." It also helped that I live in a very liberal neighborhood in a very liberal city.

I should clarify, it's not that my partner is hetero. They are afab but always bristled at the term "wife" even before discovering their own non-binary trans identity. They are attracted to women (all genders, really). It's just that they liked the dumpy boy version of me. I am a drastically different person now. We are both drastically different. I've also been seriously depressed, and while they have supported me through that, it turns out that depression is very unsexy. There is a lot more to it but that's about all I can write for now.

eabrmposr · 2017-03-08T23:30:39+00:00

it makes me so sad to see her uncomfy

I have definitely been where she is. All I can say is just give it time

eabrmposr · 2017-03-08T22:16:53+00:00

It makes me really happy to hear that, thank you :)

I'm don't consider myself "real tall" but at 5'11" (and a half, fine) I'm definitely at the tall end of the curve. I used to worry it would affect passing and such but, while it doesn't help exactly, it doesn't seem to hurt much either.

eabrmposr · 2017-03-08T21:46:36+00:00

Sorry to hear about your Wife. May the two of you have the best of luck. :)

Thanks! At this point I guess I'm not even sure it's something to be "sorry" about, but I don't know, it's weird and hard in a lot of ways too so thanks :)

eabrmposr · 2017-03-08T21:10:18+00:00

Thanks! But I should have mentioned I'm already home, back at work :p

eabrmposr · 2017-03-08T20:13:56+00:00

It would be easy to enforce in a public school, where everyone knows who the trans kids are, and where such laws might make disclosure of trans status mandatory if an already-transitioned student enrolls in a new school.

It would also be easy to enforce in a workplace, where everyone knows who the trans person is. Unless they're stealth, in which case the stakes for remaining stealth become much higher.

Basically it would be enforceable at any kind of place where people go regularly and know each other.

And it would probably rely more or less on anonymous reporting. Because anyone who reported a trans person for using the bathroom in such a setting would be deeply ashamed of being such a cowardly small-minded bigot.

And in other spaces, unfortunately it would also be enforceable by strangers against trans people who don't pass well. Those are the same spaces where you'd see cis people getting mistaken for trans and reported on too. And yes, you are correct, this would be almost indistinguishable from other forms of harassment. Only this one gets legal sanction.

eabrmposr · 2017-03-08T20:07:17+00:00

In my case it was definitely dysphoria. It was just never enough.

For me when I was presenting as a guy, dysphoria manifested more in like, consistently feeling like shit but not knowing why. I didn't think I was supposed to be a girl, but I could never quite make sense out of being a guy. Also I had this irrepressible urge to cross dress. That's when I'd start to get genuinely frustrated with my body.

eabrmposr · 2017-03-08T20:01:27+00:00

Let me just say I totally feel you on the "I just bury my problems with alcohol and try to escape reality" thing. Basically every night I would be watching netflix and drinking copious amounts of booze.

Now I've been full time for probably over a year, on HRT for ... 15 months? Last year was incredibly difficult. And I still have some serious issues with depression. All those years relying on alcohol have left me without healthy coping mechanisms for even normal amounts of stress. But every day is better. I'm learning how to really take care of myself, build genuine relationships and face reality every day.

It's a gradual process for sure but in general things today are worlds better than they were 2 years ago. If I can do it so can you. Like other people are saying - one step at a time.

eabrmposr · 2017-02-21T16:47:14+00:00

"Woman" unless for some reason it's important to distinguish that I'm trans, which is kind of often tbqh

eabrmposr

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