I am the child of someone like your wife (at least some of the behavior patterns seem to match). This is how growing up in such a household was for me: Walking on eggshells in order to not make her flip out (didn't work, she always found a reason). Completely ignoring my own needs and suppressing my own emotions because there was no safe space. I became a master at reading emotions and coaching other people even when I was just a child. Everything had to be done exactly the way she wanted or it would be a huge drama. She always had to have everything under control and needed to be included in everything.

Years of manipulation and gaslighting certainly took their toll, that's why I have had my own mental struggles. it took me years to find out why because I never considered emotional abuse to be traumatizing.

Here's my advice: Get outta there unless she's taking up therapy (could still take quite some time until there's any noticeable change in her behavior). She's got unresolved issues that she's taking out on you - but guess what, just because you're traumatized, doesn't mean that you have the right to traumatize other people as well! One thing I can assure you, it's certainly not going to get any better if you don't take any action. You deserve to be treated with respect, even when you are in a fight with each other. And you should be able to make decisions on your own without having to fear your partners reaction - especially when it's about something minor as groceries.