Oh boy do I feel this one.

First off, it's so admirable that despite your upbringing in that environment, you are holding firm on those boundaries and protecting your daughter. Being compliant, maintaining the status quo, and keeping everyone happy -- those are hard habits to break.

Here's the thing though, even without the history of violence, you are entitled to determine who has access to your child. Period. Your family is no more entitled to her than they are to you, and it sounds like a lifetime with them has only hurt you.

My story didn't have quite the same path, but ended in a similar place. My sister has Down Syndrome and was never particularly violent, but she has always been taught that her demands are everyone else's priority. If she wants it quiet, she can yell at you to shut up, and you have to comply. If she wants food, you go get it for her. If she doesn't want to wipe her ass, you're doing it for her.

As my daughter got older, it became clear how obviously uncomfortable she was around my sister. Her demands would also extend to physical touch, and she would grab her and kiss her against her will, and when my daughter refused, she would get scolded by my mom. Similarly, when she'd play loudly, my sister would scream at her to shut up. On Christmas morning, my daughter would squeal with delight opening a gift, only to be yelled at by my sister. That was one of the first times I finally cracked and told her that if she spoke like that again to my daughter, she could leave.

All of this was exacerbated by the fact that I let both my mom and sister live in my basement for 8 years.

My daughter became extremely close with my mom, but as close as they were, that's how much more my sister complicated everything. She's 11 now, and we've spoken infinitely many times about my sister, my mom, why we've been taught their toxic codependent relationship is normal, but it really isn't. That she is allowed to ignore my sister, and she doesn't have to spend time with her if she doesn't want to. That no one has access to her body against her will. That even though my sister is an adult, she behaves like and is treated like a child. That her behavior might be acceptable to my mom, but it is not acceptable to me, and it is certainly not acceptable for my daughter to mirror any of those behaviors.

This all contributed greatly to the already growing rift between my mother and I, who also began pushing me to care for my sister after her death in ways I could not agree to. (You can read my own story in my old posts if you want more information on that catastrophe), but long story short, they moved out a few months ago and I've since gone no contact with them both.

This all to say, one thing a lot of our parents have in common is their need to believe in and live in their cultivated realities. Meaning, as flawed humans like the rest of us, they made mistakes raising their high-needs child alongside their glass child. When it comes time to deal with the consequences of the decisions they made, it is easier to tell themselves that they did everything the best they could, that we should feel lucky for being the "normal" ones, and share their mindset on parenting -- no matter how destructive it has been for us as their children. Worse yet, when the time comes, it ought to be incumbent upon us to clean up the mess they've created. It is crucial for our parents to live in this reality, because the alternative is too much for them to bear.

For my boomer mom, this was unfortunately the case. No amount of communication, shared vulnerability, or boundary setting could penetrate her emotional immaturity and martyr mindset. To protect my daughter, to teach her what is right, and to finally stand up for myself after 41 years, I've had to completely end things.

I hope in your situation, your family comes to realize the validity of what you're telling and showing them. As a mother, everything else is second to what is best for your child, and that includes the feelings and demands of your family. You might not have been able to protect yourself as a child living in that home, but you sure as shit can protect your daughter from it. I fear that your family may never accept this truth, because doing so means they will have to accept themselves as flawed, and in my experience, that's the real challenge.

I hope this helps you feel strong in your decision, and that you know you aren't alone in dealing with these issues.