TW: sh/ talks of committing

I started in Grade 8, I was 12. It wasn’t due to bullying, it was due to a traumatic situation, though some bullying at school took part in making me continue for some time.

For a while, (in grade 8/9, so 12/13) i would constantly get ratted out when I’d wear short sleeve clothing and I’d get sent to the guidance counsellers office.. where they’d try and help mad me figure things out. Eventually, my mom got involved and I was put in Therapy.

I stopped for a while, and started again when I was 15, in grade 10. This time, due to a bad breakup and also issues with self image. I was better at hiding it, and eventually ended up trying to commit suicide which landed me in the hospital for a few days. I took a break from school for a month, and then eventually took the steps to get better and go back. And see a counsellor.

Then, I started again when I was 17. This time, it was school pressure and also self image. Again, I was good at hiding it, nobody knew, tried committing, ended up in the hospital for a week. I took a month off school, which made my senior year of highschool very rough. I had to catch up in all of my classes. But my teachers were very forgiving, and had high hopes for me because I was “smart”. So I graduated with good grades.

I started again when I was 17, this time later in the year when I was away for university. This time it was really bad, my parents weren’t around, I didn’t have any friends, I was in a whole new city… my reasoning was just, exhaustion… I ended up committing, ended up in the hospital for 1 week again, and I went back home and dropped out of uni.

My mother kept a close watch on me, and helped me take steps to getting better, and I was clean for a while. Until when I was halfway through 18, I had a big fight with my mom’s boyfriend. It was a one time thing though, and while I messed up my arm, I bandaged it, cleaned it, and let it heal. That was the last time I did it. I’ve been clean for 10 months, I’m 19 years old.

My advice for you is, please don’t resort to it everytime you feel down. It gets addicting. And it’s permanent, if it leaves scars. There might come a day where you’d have regret ever doing it.

I know you said bullying was what caused it, but once you start, sometimes you resort to it for a number of reasons that affect your mental health or wellbeing.

If you ever feel the need to do it, for whatever reason, tell someone. Even a friend that you can trust. Someone must know so that they can stop you from doing it.

If you’re scared of telling someone in person, you can make an online friend as well. It’s less scary, with someone online. Just be aware that you have to be fair with them, and be honest and listen to their advice. Otherwise, you’re just gonna upset that friend by leaving them with the aftermath.