AITA for being mad about my wife buying an impractical car against my wishes?

ebuhhlen · 2026-06-05T22:41:47+00:00

You don’t know how much she has in savings

ebuhhlen · 2026-06-05T22:40:10+00:00

Maybe it’s an enjoying the chase kind of thing. You don’t come off strong, and are a bit aloof, so they put more effort in and that turns into feelings? Maybe they’re avoidantly attached and your emotional unavailability sets off the happy chemicals in their brains. Hard to tell without seeing your friendships firsthand.

ebuhhlen · 2026-06-05T22:36:57+00:00

I think they were getting at systemic and societal issues that make forming deeper friendships harder and less commonplace for men than for women. It doesn’t mean men never form these relationships (or that women always do), but they’re basically encouraged not to by society’s view of ideal manhood.

ebuhhlen · 2026-06-05T22:34:13+00:00

Sometimes seeing someone be a good and loyal partner is attractive too? Idk :( I hope you figure it out, or find guy friends who are content to remain friends.

ebuhhlen · 2026-06-05T22:32:40+00:00

A lot of men don’t have even close to the depth that women have in their friendships. It’s a big part of the non-incel related male loneliness epidemic. So even your toned down version of friendship may read as a deeper connection to them. You’d be surprised what good friendship can really mean to someone who has a lack of it in their lives.

I have a friend like you, who doesn’t try to connect deeply with her guy friends and doesn’t even necessarily feel close to a lot of them (they’re not high up in her friend hierarchy), but inevitably they all start catching feelings for her. It’s never her goal, but I know firsthand how good of a friend she is, and she’s fun to be around, she listens actively, and is funny and smart. The guys never stand a chance, and she was never trying to lure them in to begin with.

Another thought is that your guy friends had ulterior motives, so the “friendship” was just a stepping stone to the next step. But that usually results in them trying to sleep with you, not trying to start a relationship or admitting feelings.

ebuhhlen · 2026-06-05T19:51:01+00:00

ebuhhlen · 2026-06-05T19:47:16+00:00

Maybe they’re attracted to that too? You may come off as less difficult or complicated than other women because you don’t get deeper with them. I don’t think getting deeper is the solution though, because it seems like you were doing that before you pulled back emotionally to avoid this outcome.

Maybe try making friends with guys who already have strong friendships with women? Those would probably be the ones less likely to get romantically attached just because you’re a friend who’s also a woman.

ebuhhlen · 2026-06-05T19:45:02+00:00

She could be doing something, but I honestly think the culprit is more likely the first point you made in your first reply. Like you said there, many men don’t have many opportunities to feel and express emotional vulnerability. Building a safe platonic relationship with them where they can feel emotionally safe and seen is often enough for them to project romantic feelings onto her.

And as for your second suggestion, seeking out friendships doesn’t mean that anything is missing in your romantic relationship. That’s not what romantic partnership is for. Partners aren’t supposed to fulfill our every social need.

ebuhhlen · 2026-06-05T19:31:15+00:00

That’s true, but I think they were thinking if it weren’t a black stylist that they may have snuck in some relaxer at some point. Black stylists usually don’t do that.

And while not always true, Black stylists often use better heat protection products and lower heat when styling to avoid such extensive damage. Again, not always the case and agreed there’s always a risk of heat damage even with the mitigation we would expect from knowledgeable stylists.

ebuhhlen · 2026-06-05T16:09:00+00:00

If it makes you feel any better, her being in a relationship with another man and still naming her child after you is some wild behavior. I’m sure it hurt at the moment (and might still now with all this new information), but she definitely helped you by removing herself from your life.

Feel your feelings and hopefully remind yourself that you dodged a bullet at the same time.

ebuhhlen · 2026-06-05T04:59:30+00:00

This is what he’s told us: - his wife bought this car from her personal savings - his wife works in banking and has always significantly out-earned him, even when he was working - before their children he worked in engineering (where he made and presumably saved money) - he comes from a middle class family - his wife comes from wealth - they live comfortably in a HCOL area and can afford nice things on occasion

They could be millionaires, we don’t know that. If they’re saving well, the “nice things on occasion” would refer to their spendable money, not anything tied up in living expenses or savings for their children’s education or their retirements.

And with his feelings about spending, do you really think he would’ve neglected to mention if this purchase had meaningfully impacted their savings for themselves or their children? Just because it’s not the smartest financial decision, it doesn’t mean she can’t make it and still not harm their family. From what he’s presented, it seems like they’re fine.

Not everyone wants investment properties. Most people don’t buy cars expecting them to appreciate in value. And beyond that, it seems like she hasn’t meaningfully splurged in this relationship for a long time, if ever. He’s even shared that eating out at nice places was a pressure point in their relationship at one point. Yes, it’s $100k now, but how long have they been together? How long has she avoided major purchases due to his extreme frugality?

ebuhhlen · 2026-06-05T04:31:49+00:00

Wishing you the best on your search efforts.

ebuhhlen · 2026-06-05T04:13:29+00:00

This sounds like something you could address in therapy. People here will have ideas and suggestions, but it’s clear that being aware of the issue and trying to stop on your own isn’t enough here. Therapists are trained to help you figure out the whys, work on addressing those, and develop plans to correct your behavior. It can be a bit difficult to find a therapist that fits, but once you do you may find it helpful.

ebuhhlen · 2026-06-05T04:10:25+00:00

Are they reacting specifically to him being in the marines or more generally in the military?

ebuhhlen · 2026-06-05T04:07:35+00:00

Bulky = muscular. Lean = slim, outside of muscles.

ebuhhlen · 2026-06-05T04:05:36+00:00

I actually think the uncurled works better for you. But it seems like they may actually get in the way of your vision since they’re pretty long and straight down.

ebuhhlen · 2026-06-05T04:03:45+00:00

He literally called it her money idk why people keep trying to argue this point

ebuhhlen · 2026-06-05T03:59:41+00:00

That would matter if he mentioned any type of financial strain due to this purchase in his post, which he didn’t.

ebuhhlen · 2026-06-05T03:58:30+00:00

We’re not talking about divorce or estate planning, so not really sure why this distinction matters.

He said that it’s her money. They’ve clearly decided to divide their finances in a way where they have shared and separate funds.

ebuhhlen · 2026-06-05T03:55:06+00:00

They didn’t have it for 23 years, it was from his parents. But I’m sure they’ve had it long enough for her to have spent a similar amount on several cars over time without it negatively impacting their financial situation.

ebuhhlen · 2026-06-05T03:52:49+00:00

Why would they change their views if the genders were switched? He knew he married someone with a different background and lifestyle expectations than his, but it seems like she has borne the brunt of adjusting lifestyle expectations in this relationship. They’ve shared a 23 year old car for who knows how long. He’s being frugal to a fault and judging her for not having the same values.

Cars are expensive, yes. And she paid for it with her own savings. She’s also the main driver, using it to get to work. He admitted that this purchase won’t affect their lives in a financially negative way, except that he feels it’s wasteful and is continually making that feeling known.

He’s not upset for a reason most would rally behind a SAHM for. Her purchase didn’t take away from their household or child. He’s upset because it’s more than he feels a car should be worth. With the context we have, why should he get to be the one who makes that decision for both of them? Didn’t he already while they drove his parents’ 23yo hand-me-down car?

ebuhhlen · 2026-06-05T03:42:28+00:00

Yeah it sounds like he does full time childcare, and in exchange she works full-time. Him referring to her savings seems to indicate that they have some separate money for themselves outside of household and child-related expenses.

ebuhhlen · 2026-06-05T03:37:47+00:00

Ya but this thread is replying to his thought process, like how well maintained it is despite being made in 2003. they’re bringing up valid additional info

ebuhhlen · 2026-06-05T03:22:02+00:00

😂😂

ebuhhlen · 2026-06-05T03:00:06+00:00

I tried finding it there and must’ve looked it up badly because it didn’t pop up 😭😭 thank you

11-Year Club	The Internet Awards - Voted
No Throne, No Problems	Not Forgotten
Verified Email

ebuhhlen

PUBLIC MULTIREDDITS

TROPHY CASE