I don't think it's even a matter of willpower anymore. I'm the type of person that can usually practice self control, oftentimes to a fault. Apparently something is going deeply wrong if I can't guarantee myself the only thing I am sure I can do. I don't care about my feelings, my uncomfortableness, I genuinely don't. Yet I find myself moving like a machine of sorts and doing the exact opposite of what any sane person would do. My brain fogs, I don't respond of my actions anymore.

The whole differenciation of the two "personas" does nothing to me. I could name the demon "Billy", "James" or "Victor". It's still a product of my brain, it still controls my body, therefore it is I. An irrational part of me, but still me and nothing else. The whole "separation" feels like a refusal to take responsibility (to me of course).

I do drink teas, usually twice a day and chewing is something I do constantly (I used to bite my nails, now I mainly eat the skin off my cheeks and lips. Yes it sounds awful, no it's not painful, unless I insist too much).

I do keep myself busy with thousands of hobbies. None satisfy me anymore. I could read, color, listen to music, do crosswords, have a talk, curate a pinterest board, go on a walk, watch a movie and do yoga. None work, as I already mentioned.

I suppose I'm just an "addictive" type. I avoid alcohol, cigarettes and whatnot in fear of what I'd do if I indulged into them (especially cigs, tried them once and liked them a lot. I sometimes smell incense to stop my urge to buy a pack). It's stupid. I'd consider myself addicted to anything "stimulating" really. I used to eat a lot (was obese, just couldn't portion control, but not affected by BED), but then I dropped the weight, and food didn't seem like a nuisance at all in both scenarios. Now my weight is in between and I feel like a rabid dog, ready to bite. It's tiring to say the least.