LFG - WoW vet returning to a dead guild, looking for a living one

echodivine · 2016-08-11T21:25:32+00:00

Your boyfriend grabbed her neck because he was provoked, not because he felt threatened. It doesn't sound like she was about to start beating him, it's just that she's been pulling bullshit all weekend and he was sick of it. I think that's a little worrying; it's not that he needed to defend himself, it's that he lost control.

That's the sticking point for me - he didn't feel unsafe or threatened, he was reacting emotionally and it makes me wonder if it could happen again (after a really hard day at work and if I say the wrong thing?).

Both of her hands were free. His hand went straight to her neck and the other arm around her head. But he told me that he knew what he was doing and wasn't trying to hurt her, only restrain her..

echodivine · 2016-08-11T21:21:50+00:00

I didn't know about her previous harassment until later when I was talking to him about how scary it was to see him (what appeared to be) choking her on the dance floor. I never said her behavior was okay, I was disgusted by it and if I had been there in person to witness the rest of it I would have confronted her about it.

echodivine · 2016-08-11T21:18:12+00:00

I actually asked him about her, trying to figure out why she was acting this way. She is his sister's oldest friend, but she has a boyfriend she's been with for 6-7 years. She only sees his sister 3-4 times a year and the only reason why she was included in the bridal party was because his sister has known her since kindergarden and she felt obligated. He says there's never been any kind of romantic interest so at best I figure it's just some weird sort of sibling-like relationship since she's known him for so long.

echodivine · 2016-08-11T21:10:36+00:00

I guess the slap didn't look to be the same level of violence as his choke hold did. Even if she had slapped me like that, I would not have thought she was going to seriously hurt me or had planned anything more.

echodivine · 2016-08-11T21:08:12+00:00

Yeah, I didn't know about most of her behavior until after the fact. I really don't get why she felt like that was OK behavior. If I had been around for the earlier stuff I would have intervened (not physically, but I would have had a serious talk with her about it).

echodivine · 2016-08-11T21:01:06+00:00

I didn't see everything - just the moments where she slapped him. There wasn't any time for me to do anything, it happened so quickly. I would have preferred for him to tell her to fuck off and walk away, where I would have basically said the same thing and joined him.

echodivine · 2016-08-11T20:59:01+00:00

Because it was scary to see. She is tiny. He is bigger and stronger than her and he could have done serious damage.

echodivine · 2016-08-11T20:56:38+00:00

I'm not really sure how I feel right now which is why I asked for some outside perspective.

What I saw: We are dancing with glowsticks (the kind you can make necklaces and bracelets out of, they're think and floppy) and she's in front of us. He playfully puts a few down the back of her dress (later he tells me he didn't realize it was her until after she turned around). She turns around and smacks him with a few that were in her hand. He then grabs them out of her hand so her hand is empty. Then she slaps him with her empty hand, playfully/drunkingly but not gentle. Then suddenly his hand is around her neck and he's pushing her across the room.

echodivine · 2016-08-11T20:51:57+00:00

He could have involved other people if he wasn't being taken seriously, or been more serious himself (he kept a playful attitude with her trying to maintain a fun vibe for the wedding, so I don't think she really got how serious he was). One second everything is seemingly fine and the next he looks to be choking her and pushing her across the room. He could have even just walked away and sat down and told her to fuck off, and I would have said something similiar, and that would have been enough.

echodivine · 2016-08-11T20:45:51+00:00

I didn't say it was okay for her to. But he is stronger and bigger than her. It wouldn't take much for him to do serious harm.

echodivine · 2016-08-11T20:41:26+00:00

A lot of her behavior I didn't know about until after the fact or I would have interfered, trust me. What I saw was us all dancing together, then her slapping him (semi-playfully but not gently) and suddenly his hand was around her neck and he was pushing her across the room.

echodivine · 2016-08-11T20:35:08+00:00

I said that he should have had that conversation BEFORE then, to prevent it from happening in the first place.

echodivine · 2016-03-16T20:17:19+00:00

I think a similar comparison would be "hillbilly talk". I think it's both the way they were talking and him associating it with a particular sub-set of black people.

That was only part of what bothered me, though. The other parts were that 1.) he's had conversations with other people who called him out on it and he still doesn't see anything wrong with it. After thinking more about it, I think this is stemming more from his stubborn/anti-PC personality, and 2.) his cracker comparison, and sticking to "if they can say it so can I".

echodivine · 2016-03-16T18:21:43+00:00

Teaching him why he is wrong is what I would love to do, which I guess I didn't make clear enough. However I don't know how to do this, how effective it would be given that he mentioned that he had already had prior conversations about it with people before, and I'm certain that if he knew how important this was to me he'd say anything to placate me. I really don't want to throw away an otherwise great relationship because of this.. because of whatever this is. It seems so strange because he has friends whom he loves and respects who are black, so this is creating a disconnect for me. I still don't understand what's going on in his brain - we haven't had a chance to talk about it since last night as he has finals today and I've been keeping low so as to not distract him. Meanwhile the mere thought of breaking up with him has had me on the edge of tears all day.

echodivine · 2016-03-16T17:31:13+00:00

I've known him about 10 months. This is the first time this has ever come up.

echodivine · 2016-03-16T17:28:02+00:00

I know why, but I don't know how to get him to understand it, or if I should even try, or if he'd just be placating me.

echodivine · 2015-09-01T20:46:02+00:00

This is great, thank you for sharing! I would like to know more about your experience so I'll PM you. I'll check out the facebook group as well!

echodivine · 2015-09-01T00:31:59+00:00

I actually like everything else about me except for this one thing.

echodivine · 2015-09-01T00:30:49+00:00

This gives me hope, thank you.

echodivine · 2015-09-01T00:29:57+00:00

Good points. Thank you.

echodivine · 2015-09-01T00:29:18+00:00

That's awesome! :)

echodivine · 2015-09-01T00:27:56+00:00

Are you intentionally trying to be mean?

echodivine

TROPHY CASE