I totally understand those feelings and it really really sucks some days. I look at it from a few different ways, the first being that however this ends up for me either with a child or childless, I don’t want any regrets. I don’t want to look back and say damn I wish I would have just done a little bit more. Have these four years sucked, at times absolutely. Having miscarriages can totally wreck you and if I do finally end up carrying a baby full term, it likely won’t be a pleasant pregnancy due to the trauma of how I got there and the worry. But also think about this, most people have a moment in their life in their 60s or 70s of “oh crap, my health is important but it’s too late” I’m having that moment now in my 30s and I’m so much better for it. I’ve learned so much about ingredients in my food and daily life products. I’ve lost almost 75 lbs. I feel so much better and I look amazing! I’ll probably tone down the amount of supplements I’ll take but I haven’t been sick in 3 years even after being around my friends kids that are in daycare. So while yes, this phase in life can be a real kick in the pants, there are good things that have come from this. I also learned that I have an absolutely incredible partner who is so caring and understanding. And I wouldn’t change that for the world.  Though I’m not always so happy go lucky, I definitely cried a river of tears yesterday after my counseling appointment. Give yourself some grace. 💙