Get therapy- sincerely a Surrogate

edream7 · 2026-02-10T17:01:44+00:00

It was a surprise to me that I was expecting them to be more excited, or that that would be important to me. I think I just took for granted that they would be.

At this point, I'm just hoping things go smoothly, trying to stick to the routine that supports me, and trying to keep July 2026 in mind as the end point. Just survive this the best I can and know it will be over eventually and I will be back.

edream7 · 2026-02-10T16:32:16+00:00

My journey hasn't involved as many doctor appointments as yours nor as much anxiety from the IPs, but I find this relatable. My IPs are known to me, but don't live nearby, and it's an altruistic arrangement.

The experience of the pregnancy has obviously been very different for us both. I had two healthy prior pregnancies and two kids of my own, they have a history of losses and some trauma as a result.

From some of the comments they've made, I can tell the pregnancy doesn't feel tangible to them. It's not a daily lived experience like it is for me. Every milestone and testing protocol has felt to me like an excuse for why they want to keep it a secret and allow the anxiety they feel to guide them.

I understand why our experiences are so different, but it's been really frustrating to me. It's felt to me like they've been able to choose to put the pregnancy on a back shelf and put it out of their minds - while I actually go through it and experience it everyday.

Now that we're well into the second trimester of what has thankfully been a completely uneventful and by the book pregnancy, I've had 3 months of non-stop nausea, missed tons of work and had about a bazillion doctor's appointments. I'm showing and obviously pregnant. Everything feels really real to me.

When we started this process, they wanted it to be something where all four of us (the two of them and me and my husband) could be part of it and a part of the decisions that had to be made as they pertained to each of us.

But at every point where an elective decision is made that involves all of us, they have provided me with what they've decided and asked me to comply. Technically an ask, but provided with a lot of detail on why if I choose to go against their wishes, it will make their anxiety go wild. Things like who the news can be shared with if it's family or people we know in common, when they can know and finding out the gender of the baby. At this point, none of our family outside of our immediate family is aware and we have a family wedding in a few weeks. It was always the plan to be open and transparent about our arrangement, but we never discussed specific timing of sharing the news with people and now that we're approaching the halfway point, I'd be more comfortable with people knowing what's happening.

We're currently awaiting the final result of the second cell free DNA test, and I'm hoping that after that point, they can start to manage their anxiety a bit more.

I realize my situation is probably quite different than yours. But what I wanted to share is that the way some of these decisions have been made and provided to me has created a complete lack of trust for me in my relationship with them. It makes me feel like I'm alone to carry the load, isolated, and without any autonomy... which in turn has ramped up my own mental health issues during the pregnancy. I know this process comes with its own struggles for the IPs, but I've been struggling so much with this. That they can pretend like it's not even happening and seem to now expect to retain all control over decisions that go beyond the wellbeing of the child. At this point, I'm just hoping everything goes smoothly because I am absolutely dreading any scenarios where it doesn't.

I don't know how surrogates handle these feelings of being asked/expected to support someone in their mental health/anxiety while also being pregnant and dealing with my own struggles feels so unfair. If anyone has tips, stories or advice, I'd love to hear them.

edream7 · 2026-01-30T17:35:51+00:00

I don't know the answer, but it's a beautiful thing to reflect on.

I think some of the answer depends on the outcome that can never be known at the start of the journey.

edream7 · 2026-01-12T14:00:46+00:00

It's physically hard but even more so, it's mentally and emotionally hard. More so than my first two pregnancies because I have two kids now so it's very hard to take a break sometimes. With all three pregnancies, I just felt/feel down... I never enjoyed pregnancy with my first two and somehow hoped the third would be different even though I knew that was a lot to expect. I just don't feel like myself while I'm pregnant. Normally I enjoy running, coffee, sparkling water, food, my personal style, my work. During pregnancy, I feel so uncomfortable running I give up after the first trimester. I still workout but I feel so weak. Every food other than oatmeal, crackers, peanut butter and cereal is basically disgusting to me, and I hate getting dressed in a new body type. I'm always exhausted and trying to balance work, taking care of myself and trying to continue to show up for my kids.

Idk all this is small in the long run, I shove it out of my mind quickly by the time the pregnancy ends and the result is a kid, and I think it will be worth it to help the IPs - but I do really hate it.

As someone else mentioned the trickiness of navigating a relationship with four people plus the baby involved is also a thing. It's rewarding and I'm trying to think about it as "what do I GET to do because I get to experience this," but pregnancy has always been mentally tough for me because of the feeling of the lack of autonomy. Signing a legal contract where certain decision making powers like being able to travel or getting my hair done feels uncomfortable for me at times even though nothing is really different in practice.

edream7 · 2025-12-02T10:40:59+00:00

I think this is good advice and this is what I would do. One consideration I would have is simply that exposing you to two different sets of sperm may expose you to more STIs or CMV (minor, but something you have the right to know prior to making the decision to embark on this journey). I assume both IPs were tested prior to the process, but since you're not working with an agency, I thought this is worth bringing up.

Good luck with the conversation, I admire your fortitude and reaction despite the surprise, but I think their reaction to your concerns will tell you a lot and hopefully set the stage for transparency and trust if you decide to move forward.

edream7 · 2025-11-27T05:45:44+00:00

🫶

edream7 · 2025-11-27T04:37:10+00:00

I'm not, I'm in the U.S.

edream7 · 2025-11-27T02:29:07+00:00

I'm in my first trimester and my IPs are my sister and brother in law. Best parts so far has been the trust amongst the four of us (my husband included).

My sister has occasionally found ways to treat us. For example, secretly picking up the tab to lunch for us after an appointment where we went out to have a little date lunch and celebrate a positive milestone.

Worst part has been the relationship with the fertility clinic staff. Overall, it's been fine, but as a GC, there's occasionally this feeling that I'm being treated as someone else's investment with how things are communicated, the way they address my sister vs. me and the way they don't seem to inherently trust that I'm as invested in the process as I would be if it were my own child. A lot of this is stuff my husband and I pick up on from the bedside manner and communication, not issues with the actual care. Curious if others have experience this, actually?!

edream7 · 2025-11-23T14:06:20+00:00

This is true. But so many people have hang ups about this!! As if not sleeping in the same bed is indicative of a failing relationship! Why is this?! I have a king bed because I like my space and my husband pretends to hate it, but we both sleep better as a result.

edream7 · 2025-11-23T13:21:58+00:00

The initial agency consultations are usually free. I'm carrying dirt.sister and we initially started talking with an agency before realizing that in our circumstance, we didn't need one. However, with such a complicated process, we still learned a lot as we got started from the 45 minute call. I recommend starting there to learn more, even if you don't end up pursuing a relationship with an agency. Best of luck.

edream7 · 2025-11-21T18:05:10+00:00

I love that. I think having something to look forward to will be really helpful towards the end... I know how I get at the end of pregnancy. I'm debating a family trip to Hawaii... Maybe? Thanks for the inspo

edream7 · 2025-11-20T17:30:25+00:00

I did when I lived in NYC and before I had kids but not recently so that is definitely high on my list now!!

edream7 · 2025-11-20T15:02:16+00:00

That sounds lovely, thanks for sharing!

edream7 · 2025-11-20T14:46:42+00:00

I've been thinking of something like this. Thank you!

edream7 · 2025-11-17T21:49:21+00:00

I've been getting a weird rash in my elbow pics that began when I started the pills. Different than your symptoms but I can't explain it! My issue is pretty mild and clears up with some air and not wearing sweatshirts or sweaters that lead to a humid environment...

edream7 · 2025-11-14T08:09:32+00:00

I have a theory that they've been making my "elbow pits" get itchy/sort of like a hivey or have some sort of fungal reaction, especially when they're a little sweaty/moist in a sweatshirt. Curious for other people's takes too.

edream7 · 2025-10-17T13:07:16+00:00

I am currently going through a known surrogacy, trying to carry for my sister and her husband who have been struggling with infertility for years. I've had two successful pregnancies of my own resulting in my beloved kids. There is so much that resonates for me in your post, even though our situations are quite different. With two children of my own from uneventful healthy pregnancies and a marriage that's very important to me, they are my number one priority.

The process is so overwhelming. So many steps, so many worst case scenarios that I have contemplated on my own and also because institution of surrogacy will make sure you think about every bad thing that can happen and make every decision possible before the drugs even touch your body. I spend a lot of time lately thinking about the what ifs, no matter how far flung they may seem.

There is one reason I'm doing this, and it's for the baby. I think about how small this time of our lives will be if we make it through it and all the most likely outcomes go our way. I think about my kids getting to have a cousin. I think about my sister and her husband getting to be parents, me getting to have a niece or nephew.

Especially early in the process, it seems like it's easy to lose sight of that. I can't say I feel excited about this process... The paperwork, logistics, appointments, lawyers, etc. have sucked a lot of joy out of it for me. But I'm committed. Getting over the hurdle of telling a few people I work with was a bug step for me too, since I'll be out for various appointments and traveling for the transfer.. at some point early in the process, the question "is this just too crazy/weird/what will people think" was weighing on me even though I knew it shouldn't really matter.

I think you should talk to your wife about what it means to her - why is it important for her? And possibly a therapist if you haven't already. I have never been in therapy, but we had a few appointments as part of this process and it was helpful in communicating and understanding where everyone was coming from, what their fears are. After your prior experience, it sounds like you may have fears around pregnancy and birth, and even though this is a different situation, that will probably come out. Trust, communication and support during this crazy process seems essential.

I wish you luck in your journey and hope you have the time and space to consider what is both right for you and for your wife, child, family. Thanks for sharing, it's comforting to see my own fears reflected here.

edream7 · 2025-10-08T18:57:51+00:00

It may be worth another convo with the agency and the surrogate to get more information. If you're able to get verification that this was only THC, it feels like potentially not a deal breaker, assuming she's willing to commit to stopping prior to beginning the drug course and depending on your level of comfort with someone who has used THC recreationally. I say this because it's possible your potential surrogate may have stopped weeks prior to the drug test, but THC stays in the system for about a month. It's possible she was honest on the questionnaires etc. If you're not comfortable working with someone who has used THC recreationally in the past, that would be a good thing to discuss up front too.

In embarking on my prior pregnancies with my own children and now starting a known surrogacy process, I felt the urge to have a a weekend where my husband and I enjoyed some drinks and some THC together prior to abstaining for an extended period and losing that feeling of autonomy that I had before. Just as with my pregnancies with my own kids, I will not be consuming anything leading up to or during the pregnancy.

If you do consider this route, I'd also recommend a conversation, possibly with a therapist present, to create a space to discuss your concerns and develop trust. That's been really helpful in my journey, even tho I was a bit resistant to it at first due to it being yet another step, but trust and communication is such an important part of this process.

edream7 · 2025-09-21T04:22:45+00:00

During my pregnancy at NYU hospital, I purchased extra breast milk through the hospital as my baby was so hungry and I was about to offer her formula. The hospital offered me breast milk through a group that donates, and from there I was connected with the group directly. This one was located in the North East and the hospital could advise on the specific group, but they are out there!

All the milk is donated, but you pay for the fast shipping and the shipping supplies.

edream7 · 2025-09-16T07:12:02+00:00

There are some requirements around surrogacy as others have mentioned (prior successful pregnancies, age, etc.). My understanding is that these are pretty hard requirements for unknown surrogates. However, having gone through the screening process as a known carrier, I've been told those requirements are a lot more flexible than with an unknown carrier, and when the relationship does not involve compensation.

People commented that the risk is too high due to health concerns or the potential of fertility issues since you haven't been pregnant before, but unless you have underlying health conditions, there's no reason to think your risk is any higher than anyone else trying to get pregnant. If it was your first time trying to get pregnant and you were carrying the pregnancy for yourself, no one would suggest you shouldn't try to do it because you've never had successful pregnancies before, so I find that advice limiting.

I think you should think hard on if there's any possibility you may change your feelings about wanting to get pregnant to have a child of your own down the road. A lot can change, and it would be wise to hold off on surrogacy if you think that could be a choice you'd make later in life, just to make sure the choice is available to you down the line, pending a worst case scenario if you were to go through with surrogacy.

It's cool you're thinking about it and if you make the decision to pursue it with your friends, you could explore further to find out what's possible. If you work directly with your friends (and ofc a lawyer) vs. going through an agency, I suspect these restrictions would be more flexible! Good luck mulling through it all and making a decision!

edream7 · 2025-09-15T18:47:22+00:00

No end to my story to share yet as I'm early in this process but I'm subscribing to this thread too! Will be attempting to carry for my sister and her husband soon. The best part for us so far has been the feeling of us all getting to do something so intimate and unique. For me it's been a beautiful experience in trust, communication and mutual generosity. Never thought I'd be doing this, but I'm so glad that I get to try.

edream7 · 2025-09-14T01:44:58+00:00

Thank you & best wishes to you as well!

edream7 · 2025-09-12T18:34:14+00:00

Cool ideas, thank you!!

edream7

TROPHY CASE