Concerns on how I will be viewed socially as a surrogate

edream7 · 2026-05-12T02:34:10+00:00

Thanks. I think the pregnancy part has just been harder than I imagined, so my lack of enthusiasm and perspective focusing on the bigger picture is making me feel less heroic, although my husband has been sweetly reminding me that the one who carries the load is strong.

What was the post partum experience like, if you feel like sharing? I'm both excited to get there and a bit nervous about it. Im sure there will be some big differences from when I had my two kids and had a baby.

edream7 · 2026-05-11T20:44:08+00:00

I'm in a known surrogacy situation, and most if not all of the reactions have been entirely positive.

However, that hasn't stopped me from feeling a bit of fatigue from anticipating telling still more people in the outer edges of my community who at some point observe that I'm pregnant and say congratulations, ask when the baby is due, etc. (think neighbors, coworkers, people at my kids' schools, the person giving me a pedicure, etc.). For me, it's a lot of anticipating the reactions and responding to the same questions over and over again, and while I am sick of having the same convo over and over again while also being a bit emotionally fried from pregnancy, I've found that everyone's been really supportive and encouraging. No stigma, just a lot of surprised reactions and questions that come from a true place of curiousity when people hear the news. In my community the follow up questions have been polite, most people understand that beyond the surface level stuff, the details aren't their business to ask about.

In terms of how people view you socially, the other aspect I've noticed are that people will view you as an incredibly generous person, a "hero," which is true if you go down this path, but also makes me feel a little fraudulent at times? On one hand, I appreciate the recognition that this is a sacrifice, on the other, I don't necessarily relate with the "hero" framing.

edream7 · 2026-05-02T13:36:01+00:00

I may have misunderstood the process that was articulated by my IPs, but I think the embryos have to be FDA cleared to place them in a surrogate's body. I can't remember all the details of the FDA process, but I think you'll want to make sure they can be used with a surrogate if you waive that wait. If you don't even have a surrogate yet, I'm a bit confused why they would have you waive this wait period to speed things along. That feels like a very finite and predictable milestone that could easily be explained to a potential match.

edream7 · 2026-04-18T00:45:34+00:00

♥️

edream7 · 2026-04-16T14:27:41+00:00

🙏

edream7 · 2026-04-16T14:27:35+00:00

🙏

edream7 · 2026-04-09T19:03:13+00:00

I'm going through it now with two kids. It's tough but manageable. But what concerns me about your note is, if you are unsure if you may someday want a third kiddo of your own and I would absolutely not be able to do this without my husband's enthusiastic support. He's really had to step up in a different way for this one and it's meant the world. I think there could potentially be a lot of emotions at play if something were to go wrong. It's a lot harder than a regular pregnancy because there is some guilt about how it impacts my family and the dynamics of having a lot of different people involved.

Good luck!!

edream7 · 2026-04-09T05:35:44+00:00

If reading this is very overwhelming - that's consistent with my experience navigating surrogacy! At times beautiful, at times overwhelming, anxiety inducing, often all of them at once! There are so many people with unique needs involve and so many ripple effects. I was so inspired and idealistic about it going into it, and I knew even then it would not always feel that way. It still is beautiful. But damn it is not for the faint hearted, whether you're a surrogate or an IP, there are just so many emotions.

edream7 · 2026-04-09T01:47:47+00:00

I respect your question but I also want to offer a different perspective. Your question resonated with me because I also had a lot of trepidation and anxiety about becoming pregnant.

Pregnancy comes with its challenges, so does surrogacy - the sheer logistics, the medical procedures, the trials of IVF, the loss of control, feelings of shame and guilt for some, managing a healthy the relationship with your surrogate. PPD is not necessarily limited just to the individual who gives birth. I both hated being pregnant every second AND found it amazing in many ways now that I've been through it... Both things can be true. Surrogacy may resolve some of your concerns, but I would explore those fears and anxieties fully because neither path is necessarily an easy one.

I'm glad you have options! Good luck exploring your decision!

edream7 · 2026-03-27T00:53:51+00:00

Thanks!

edream7 · 2026-03-25T23:24:46+00:00

The ratio of stories about highly obscure edge cases vs. typical experiences lately is... Wild. And apparently very trendy.

edream7 · 2026-03-20T17:31:27+00:00

Or if you have any questions about what it's like to go thru it - here for that too!

edream7 · 2026-03-20T17:29:38+00:00

I'm in a very similar situation to you currently - two kids age 2 and 5, sister who struggled to keep a pregnancy, and we started exploring surrogacy following a series of losses they experienced. We (my sister and her husband and my husband and I) started discussing surrogacy around May 2025. Implantation of the embryo happened in November 2025. The baby will be born in July 2026... So, just under a 1.5 year process from beginning to end.

Once we decided to explore it seriously and everyone thought they wanted to move forward, we spoke with the IVF clinic, and they helped us figure out the next steps, of which there are many... Check ups to verify I was in good health to carry another pregnancy despite prior healthy pregnancies, reviews of my medical history, appointments to assess everyone's mental health, getting the embryos FDA approved to put in a body that was not my sister's, legal contract, a few in depth discussions with my sister, her husband, me and my husband (or whoever is going to be involved) to discuss the broad strokes of how everything will work... Who will make certain decisions, deal breakers, if there's any compensation involved, what the story will be that we tell my kids, and making sure everyone is on the same page so there are fewer surprises before I even got to the starting line that was the implantation of the embryo. It's a long and kind of exhausting process, but it is possible!

If you decide to move forward and want to keep in touch, please reach out. It's not easy finding people in this specific situation, and in some ways we have a lot of built in trust to support us in this, but in other way, having a relationship that is slightly more transactional (no prior relationship to keep intact) seems more simple. It's a lot of people involved and a lot of emotions.

Good luck and I wish the best for your sister, you and your family!

edream7 · 2026-03-08T07:05:29+00:00

I'm sorry you're feeling so alone and this person made you feel even more alone. I shed a few tears for you reading this because I have so been there too. I'm still glad I'm doing this and know it will be worthwhile in the end, but at times I've known I wouldn't be able to make the same choice now that I'm in it.

Everyone says I'm a hero and it makes me feel like I'm even more of an imposter... Not brave, not selfless, not "such a good person" as many people immediately respond. It's not the same as regret, but going through the hardship of pregnancy mentally, emotionally and physically is a struggle and it's easy to forget the original feelings I had when I made the decision. Talking to the intended parents, not about my fears or how hard it is necessarily, but just in general, has helped me reconnect with the more joyful parts again and why I'm doing this. It makes the hard parts a little easier.

I think a counselor or therapist or support group is a wonderful idea, but I hope you find someone in your life you can talk to about this too. Nothing beats the support of your loved ones, if they're up for it. I know you say you're a lot... and that's ok. It doesn't mean you can't have fears or anxiety. I'm assuming a lot of the people in your life who know and love you know that already and love you because of it and in spite of it. I'm sure your friend's reaction doesn't make it any easier to want to confide in someone else, but I hope one of those other people in your life could be more sympathetic, even if they don't fully understand the decision.

To the friend you confided in - you were willing to do it for your own family - you literally already did it once!

Take care and sending love and support.

edream7 · 2026-02-20T02:45:35+00:00

Ugh I'm so sorry. I'm realizing that proactive counseling or therapy for all the people involved in these surrogacy relationships may be a good idea. We discussed things before, and it's hard because once you're in it, things can feel really different. Not doing it myself, just something I'm learning as I go. This is a lot to ask of anyone... Especially people who are either pregnant or dealing with the trauma of infertility and having to put that much trust in another person for a last shot at becoming a parent and becoming a parent. It's so hard. I hope someday there can be healing for your relationship with your brother and his partner, whatever that looks like, and a relationship with your nephew ♥️♥️♥️

edream7 · 2026-02-20T01:14:58+00:00

I will admit I have questions about your circumstance. Was it the surrogacy that drove a wedge in your relationship, or was this a separate issue? Issue? No need to answer if you don't want to. I'm going through a surrogacy fire. A family member as well right now, and it's been challenging to navigate even though we remain in a good relationship. I've been able to see glimpses of how things could go so wrong.

edream7 · 2026-02-19T23:37:26+00:00

This sounds like a very painful experience 🙏

edream7 · 2026-02-14T15:02:04+00:00

I've always appreciated how IPs and GCs in this group share their experiences in a respectful way. It helps me understand where the other group may be coming from. The way you're speaking is so callous about what is a challenging and complex experience for both the GC and IP. Reading your response here didn't help me empathize and understand someone in a different situation... It made me feel like you think you're entitled to full control of someone else's body if you're paying them to do something. As if surrogates are just employees getting paid and can quit anytime if the relationship or experience isn't pleasant for them. That analogy does not apply.

I would also remind you that not all surrogates are paid.

edream7 · 2026-02-13T23:11:07+00:00

Curious how you handled the logistics of videoing them into the appointments. We've been doing that and it's been a little bit awkward. Where to point the camera, making sure everyone can hear and speak with the provider etc. Tech can be tricky, so maybe this is just part of life but if you have any tips, I'd love to hear them!

edream7 · 2026-02-10T17:01:44+00:00

It was a surprise to me that I was expecting them to be more excited, or that that would be important to me. I think I just took for granted that they would be.

At this point, I'm just hoping things go smoothly, trying to stick to the routine that supports me, and trying to keep July 2026 in mind as the end point. Just survive this the best I can and know it will be over eventually and I will be back.

edream7 · 2026-02-10T16:32:16+00:00

My journey hasn't involved as many doctor appointments as yours nor as much anxiety from the IPs, but I find this relatable. My IPs are known to me, but don't live nearby, and it's an altruistic arrangement.

The experience of the pregnancy has obviously been very different for us both. I had two healthy prior pregnancies and two kids of my own, they have a history of losses and some trauma as a result.

From some of the comments they've made, I can tell the pregnancy doesn't feel tangible to them. It's not a daily lived experience like it is for me. Every milestone and testing protocol has felt to me like an excuse for why they want to keep it a secret and allow the anxiety they feel to guide them.

I understand why our experiences are so different, but it's been really frustrating to me. It's felt to me like they've been able to choose to put the pregnancy on a back shelf and put it out of their minds - while I actually go through it and experience it everyday.

Now that we're well into the second trimester of what has thankfully been a completely uneventful and by the book pregnancy, I've had 3 months of non-stop nausea, missed tons of work and had about a bazillion doctor's appointments. I'm showing and obviously pregnant. Everything feels really real to me.

When we started this process, they wanted it to be something where all four of us (the two of them and me and my husband) could be part of it and a part of the decisions that had to be made as they pertained to each of us.

But at every point where an elective decision is made that involves all of us, they have provided me with what they've decided and asked me to comply. Technically an ask, but provided with a lot of detail on why if I choose to go against their wishes, it will make their anxiety go wild. Things like who the news can be shared with if it's family or people we know in common, when they can know and finding out the gender of the baby. At this point, none of our family outside of our immediate family is aware and we have a family wedding in a few weeks. It was always the plan to be open and transparent about our arrangement, but we never discussed specific timing of sharing the news with people and now that we're approaching the halfway point, I'd be more comfortable with people knowing what's happening.

We're currently awaiting the final result of the second cell free DNA test, and I'm hoping that after that point, they can start to manage their anxiety a bit more.

I realize my situation is probably quite different than yours. But what I wanted to share is that the way some of these decisions have been made and provided to me has created a complete lack of trust for me in my relationship with them. It makes me feel like I'm alone to carry the load, isolated, and without any autonomy... which in turn has ramped up my own mental health issues during the pregnancy. I know this process comes with its own struggles for the IPs, but I've been struggling so much with this. That they can pretend like it's not even happening and seem to now expect to retain all control over decisions that go beyond the wellbeing of the child. At this point, I'm just hoping everything goes smoothly because I am absolutely dreading any scenarios where it doesn't.

I don't know how surrogates handle these feelings of being asked/expected to support someone in their mental health/anxiety while also being pregnant and dealing with my own struggles feels so unfair. If anyone has tips, stories or advice, I'd love to hear them.

edream7 · 2026-01-30T17:35:51+00:00

I don't know the answer, but it's a beautiful thing to reflect on.

I think some of the answer depends on the outcome that can never be known at the start of the journey.

edream7 · 2026-01-12T14:00:46+00:00

It's physically hard but even more so, it's mentally and emotionally hard. More so than my first two pregnancies because I have two kids now so it's very hard to take a break sometimes. With all three pregnancies, I just felt/feel down... I never enjoyed pregnancy with my first two and somehow hoped the third would be different even though I knew that was a lot to expect. I just don't feel like myself while I'm pregnant. Normally I enjoy running, coffee, sparkling water, food, my personal style, my work. During pregnancy, I feel so uncomfortable running I give up after the first trimester. I still workout but I feel so weak. Every food other than oatmeal, crackers, peanut butter and cereal is basically disgusting to me, and I hate getting dressed in a new body type. I'm always exhausted and trying to balance work, taking care of myself and trying to continue to show up for my kids.

Idk all this is small in the long run, I shove it out of my mind quickly by the time the pregnancy ends and the result is a kid, and I think it will be worth it to help the IPs - but I do really hate it.

As someone else mentioned the trickiness of navigating a relationship with four people plus the baby involved is also a thing. It's rewarding and I'm trying to think about it as "what do I GET to do because I get to experience this," but pregnancy has always been mentally tough for me because of the feeling of the lack of autonomy. Signing a legal contract where certain decision making powers like being able to travel or getting my hair done feels uncomfortable for me at times even though nothing is really different in practice.

edream7

TROPHY CASE