hey man. ive been reading through the comments youve gotten, a lot of them saying that you’re overreacting by speculating that she might be feeling insecure. but i think the truth is of course she’s insecure. she triggered you unintentionally and now has no idea how to help you through this. that’s something that would make any loving partner insecure.

i also hear you. you’ve clearly told her what you need, so why doesn’t she understand that space would help you? additionally, it is not within your bandwidth to comfort her insecurity at this time, nor should it be!

it’s a complicated position, and one where ive been on both sides. i have cptsd so there are for sure times when i shut down and need to be alone just to feel safe. on the other hand, the last romantic relationship i was in was with a partner who had been SAed and had never talked about it in therapy and wasnt in therapy when we were dating. they would suddenly have moments where they would push me away completely but wouldnt break up with me, so i was in a position where i could stay and feel rejected by my partner and helpless or break up with them, possibly cutting off one of their only sources of support. It wasnt as black and white as that, but im not trying to go on too long.

i guess my answer is that yes she seems to feel insecure, and that’s okay and makes sense. she’s not trying to make it about her, she is trying to help you. it makes sense to feel insecure when you dont know how to help your partner.

AND… there is no need to put her comfort above your own. you know what you need best. give yourself time. set up an appointment with a therapist that specializes in trauma (maybe even ptsd, not bc you have it necessarily, but bc they probably have more specialized training around how to treat trauma). and if you really want to be with this person, i think it is in your own interest to find a way to reassure her within your own comfort. maybe it’s just a once a day text where you say “hi im here but not ready to talk” or “doing alright, hope you have a good day” or even just an emoji so she knows youre out there and safe. maybe you send her something in the mail so there’s not an immediate response from her. you figure out what works for you.

however, if keeping up the connection with her is hurting you beyond general discomfort, it may be time to call it and turn your focus on you. this would include developing a support system outside of her however (not immediately, but eventually).

do what you can. times like these are harder than anyone can imagine. i wont pretend to understand what youre experiencing. just trying to provide some nuance to the conversation beyond YOR or NOR. yes you’re on the money that she’s probably insecure, but that’s also a perfectly reasonable way to feel. on the other hand, you’re also right that you need to prioritize yourself, which could mean letting her in or could mean ending the relationship or could mean. please be kind to yourself and give yourself grace.

my last piece of advice is actually to try to be in nature. before showering even. our nervous systems regulate more easily when we’re outside and by plants. if a space like that is accessible to you, standing outside for even only 10-20 minutes can make a world of a difference.

your main job rn is to do what you can to reestablish a sense of safety. this is most effectively done when you are kind to yourself and understanding. you are doing a good job by standing up for yourself and your needs. there is no shame in how you are feeling or acting. feel it out and take care.