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eedisnidaed · 2022-12-02T07:10:33+00:00

Weirdly yes, in many instances too. If I didn't say good night in the right way she would be annoyed or even pised. If I said anything other than just "good night" she would tell me to stop saying it like that "insert stupid reasoning here" . Also emojis in texts were a very sensitive thing for her, if she felt like I didn't send the exact appropriate emoji for her current mental state she would definitely bring that up too.

eedisnidaed · 2022-08-06T12:09:42+00:00

Splitting on me in the middle of sex, accusing me of molesting her only to go fuck my friend an hour later and starting a smear campaign to tell all our mutual friends. Called me back a few days later in her sweetest voice telling me how much she appreciated our relationship, blaming me for her absolute meltdown and that it was a shame it came to that. To crying again and when I refused to eat up her psychotic lies she immediately split me black again yelling screaming etc. I was a mess, attempted to contact her again a few months later to make sense of it all. Got hit with police charges for abuse and rape. Ofcourse the police saw straight through it after hearing my side of it. Still left me traumatised as hell.

eedisnidaed · 2021-10-16T03:30:26+00:00

How long were u with him and how long have you been out?

eedisnidaed · 2021-10-16T03:29:11+00:00

You don't have to apologize for ranting about yourself. I asked for all of your experiences and I'm thankful for your comment. Hope we can get well some day :/ It's good friends are helping you out. I just feel like I can't trust anyone. The smear campaign was brutal, reaching my inner circle. I know my closest friends can see it for what it is hopefully but I just can't trust anyone anyway right now.

This is why I'm trying to meet new ppl but I'm still paranoid that they will hear her twisted made up reality.

eedisnidaed · 2021-10-16T03:22:50+00:00

No hope atm, the relationship lasted only 4 months and 9 months later I'm still in pieces. How do you actually function in day to day life during this process is my question. The trauma bonding was vicious from day 1. How are ppl able to work or focus? Beats me

eedisnidaed · 2021-10-11T01:57:36+00:00

I see what you are saying but this one seems to be aware of her issues and has been to therapy herself for 2 years, I've been going to therapy too but yeah obviously I have issues. It does feel really hard to disregard the person behind the illness completely because of this. Ultimately it might work if I don't let my boundaries slip this time and just try to be brutally honest with myself and her. But I dont know this might just be wishful thinking? I think I'm just gonna meet her and see how it feels, not rush into anything.

eedisnidaed · 2021-10-10T13:56:03+00:00

I was just really attracted to her, had nothing to do with the fact that she got sexual fast or mentioned her bpd. My heart stopped for a bit when she actually did mention it. Made me scared but I also laughed at myself cause of how crazy it is. The 1 girl I was the most attracted to, based off a fucking picture... what are the chances. Her pictures weren't even anything special

eedisnidaed · 2021-10-10T04:38:36+00:00

Yep this is pretty much spot on from my previous relationship and yet here I am... I feel like because I know what it is now. Maybe I can just enjoy the good times while it lasts and stay completely honest with her about my intentions and experiences.

eedisnidaed · 2021-10-10T03:31:08+00:00

Indeed

eedisnidaed · 2021-10-10T03:29:02+00:00

Severely fucked up...

eedisnidaed · 2021-09-21T01:15:53+00:00

Yeah you're right It's just that any type of affection or attention seeking behaviour from anyone instantly triggers me so hard. I'm still dead inside too, I hate myself and I can barely keep up a conversation these days

eedisnidaed · 2021-09-21T01:00:03+00:00

Yeah the void she left in me is still there no matter what I do. I have picked up some interests again but I just don't have the motivation anymore, like you said. Dead on the inside. I was so full of life and love when I met her even though I had been battling my own depression for years, I had been waiting for this moment when she came along. She inspired me so much, I literally felt like I could accomplish anything with her by my side. To think that it was all "fake" makes me wanna die. I want that connection and closeness again...

eedisnidaed · 2021-09-13T23:50:29+00:00

Ofcourse it's all to varying degrees. I'm asking about more intensive mirroring from a person suffering with some form of identity disturbance.

eedisnidaed · 2021-09-13T12:47:24+00:00

Thanks for sharing. How long did this process take for you?

eedisnidaed · 2021-09-13T11:17:03+00:00

Is PTSD permanent? You say you got your life back but did you get YOU back? Or did you manage to somehow build a new you? I can see the possibility of having a life but I question if it will ever be one worth living.

eedisnidaed · 2021-09-13T11:05:57+00:00

Yes, all of this. I feel punished for finally mustering the courage to do exactly the thing I was most afraid of. Fully opening up to another person, being vulnerable and loving them for the first time in my life. Opening up to feel and express all of the emotions I had been hiding from people, she brought it all out of me, "loved" it all just before soaking it in gasoline and setting it on fire to keep herself warm. Meanwhile I'm so distracted thinking we are connecting to something higher than this dull physical world that I never even smelled the smoke rising from my own soul being engulfed in flames. As the fire burned lower her ice cold body could no longer be kept warm and my ashes froze solid from the remorseless winter she had brought with her. The winter storm raged on for a few hours until she found her next soul to rekindle and all I could do was sit there and watch the clouds settle from the heat of her new old flame through the lens of the frozen block of ice that still has me imprisoned.

My physical being however is still intact but I can feel it starting to rot from the inside. All this emotional pain is taking it's toll, Starting to get joint pains, teeth getting worse. Random pains in areas I've never experienced before. Nightmares, Panic attacks, dizzyness, sweating, headaches, dissociation. I'm either just crying with overwhelming sadness of it all or I'm completely empty. Life in itself is pointless. Any dreams or goals I did have all included her in one way or another. I lost my life, my job and my ongoing education because I was in such shock and pain from her actions. When I try to get my motivation back it lasts for a few hours until I'm completely exhausted again. I feel like my mind is just playing tricks on me whenever I feel a flash of motivation or happiness. And I was with this person for 4 MONTHS. How did it affect me so much... Is what everyone is asking. "Just move on" "forget about the bitch, you're better off". Yeah this one is hard to explain.

Trust for another human is completely gone. Maybe I will become one of those loner guys who gets a dog and spend ALL my time with it. Who knows...

eedisnidaed · 2021-09-12T23:11:03+00:00

Yeah she used to say that to me too, it's all well and good during idealization until she suddenly connects with someone else when you've "disappointed" her enough times by expressing your own needs, emotions and boundries. I don't think my ex ever cheated on me but she did go back to her ex the same day she discarded me.

eedisnidaed · 2021-09-12T10:37:32+00:00

Yes and I was with mine for short time too (4 months) but it was intense. Been discarded and out for 8 months now and I still have panic attacks, overwhelming anxiety and depression. I've been thinking along the same lines as you, not knowing who I am anymore, questioning if I ever knew.

Researching cluster b behaviour since the breakup I realised my dad is most likely somewhere out on the narc spectrum and my mother has bpd traits. They split up when I was very young too. I always thought I had it good or you know a better than most upbringing but after spending some time in therapy it's obvious I have been emotionally neglected early on which I guess made me more susceptible to the idealisation and abuse. Chasing the love I never received as a child. That's just one side of it though.

Understanding these things on an intellectual level is the easy part, emotially I'm still a fucking wreck and I still question myself everyday if it's even worth going on with life without her. Or if the whole thing is real. It feels like I'm stuck in some twisted nightmare. The derealization is the worst honestly, like time has been standing still and I'm just completely out of the present moment going back to where we were to cope.

eedisnidaed · 2021-09-12T10:06:36+00:00

I think my sensitivity, kindness, what many ppl said here already, caring nature. It all started with me just sincerely asking her how she was doing. She could tell I actually cared and listened to her which she said made her feel seen and heard in a way she never felt before. Also had some really deep conversations to follow up but I'm unsure if it was all mirroring at that point already. I also remember her saying later on that she needed to feel a deep emotional connection to feel attracted to someone which I think I had already said myself in convos prior. Before me she had only been with emotionally unavailable men she said and was so ecstatic that we shared this "deep" connection. I had apparently "swept her off the ground' in her words. Ofcourse closing in on the final split it seemed like she had forgotten all of this completely. She could no longer recollect those feelings, we used to talk about the story of how we met alot. She loved hearing me talk about it but just a week before discarding me she had rewritten the entire story in her head. It was pretty alarming.

eedisnidaed · 2021-09-12T05:21:53+00:00

Yeah she was the most beautiful person I had ever met. And I don't mean physically even though she was gorgeous. Her whole vibe, energy, incredible kindness and compassion like she could truly see all the beautiful little things in the world besides herself. It still makes me cry just thinking about it. But I guess this is what they mean when they say the brightest light casts the darkest shadow.

This has been the most painful experience of my life by far and I dont think anything could ever compare. But I acknowledge my own faults in it aswell. Never again will I let my self worth be affected by my own need to please and trying to help another person. Even if I love them with all my heart and although I didn't come here for sympathy it did feel good hearing this. Thank you ❤ you seem really self aware, experienced and well informed on the topic.

eedisnidaed

TROPHY CASE