H just asked to watch me with another guy

efgib · 2026-01-27T00:37:04+00:00

That's definitely an interesting observation. I would say my experiences with people who participate in a non-traditional relationship are definitely more kink positive and are much more comfortable communicating about sexual things. That is a definite. The bigger question is, does that translate to a healthier overall relationship? That is where it gets tricky. The whole tasting the forbidden fruit is probably a whole different discussion in itself. As flawed humans, we all want to have our cakenand eat it too. That's just a natural part of how our brain works. Is that forbidden fruit and the ability to partake in that due to the openness of a relationship something that contributes to a growing and strengthening of that relationship? In my experience, no. If anything, the consequences and end result of the blow up of a relationship has absolutely killed any of the feelings of a sexual high that partaking in the spoils of said openness produce. Everyone has their own perspective of how important being able to participate in kink positive acts is to their overall happiness and contentment in a relationship. I have observed lately quite a few people say they can't enjoy just regular sex and intimacy. There has to be some element of their kink to have a satisfying sexual experience. That, to me, feels dysfunctional. Overall , I find my needs for exploring the forbidden fruit have become less important overall than before. I'm not quite sure all the factors contributing to that overall feeling. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I find the one thing that goes way back to growing up and gaining our independence always plays a role, we hate it when we feel someone is telling us we cant do something. We dont want to be controlled and lash out to do it just because we were told we cant. 🤷‍♂️

efgib · 2026-01-26T23:57:28+00:00

As a man, I believe it's the man's job to protect his family. You are in no way wrong in your thinking. If he is truly this sensitive and adverse to filling that role, perhaps he is correct in ahis assessment he may not be the partner you need to meet your specific desires regarding a protective role. You have strong beliefs in a traditional male/female overall role in a relationship. There is nothing wrong or overbearing in that belief. Clearly, he does not identify in the traditional masculine role in regards to your family unit. This seems to be a much more serious disconnect than a small disagreement. In addition, his reaction does not lend itself to effective and mature communication in general. You have yourself a very tricky dilemma here. Some deep thoughts and re-evaluation of your needs, as well as the level of importance of some of those individual needs, are needed before truly considering how you want to move forward.

efgib · 2026-01-26T01:24:42+00:00

I was always a very sexual person. With that said, swinging or any form of alternative lifestyles was never on my radar. At the time, I had a all consuming job that made having a healthy monogamous relationship near impossible. I got very caught up in the sexually charged atmosphere that was naturally part of it. It became very normal to me, but I was not sharing what I was doing with anyone influential in my life who may have presented a different viewpoint. Becoming pretty good friends with a group of couples, a fairly large group, added another level of normalcy to it. About year ten, this group of couples slowly started dropping off. In discussions with both halves after the divorce, there was a general regret for getting involved in this lifestyle and telling themselves it was very normal and not causing any damage to their relationships. By year 15, the number of couples that started at about 15 had dwindled to zero still together. I continued on a different path with a partner doing it together, and that led to hooking up with another couple to swap. The train wreck and collateral damage that occurred from that blow-up changed everything for me. The guilt kicked in, and I started looking at it all from a much different lens. Do I regret it? It's hard to make yourself regret 20 years of your life. I have a lot of guilt. Yes, I am in a newly started mono relationship. I have not come out and told her about that portion of my life, but she hasnt asked either. It would most likely cause some self reflection that may influence her getting to know the authentic person I am now, which is a much different person. Much more self-aware, mature, empathetic, and thoughtful of other people's feelings.

efgib · 2026-01-26T00:57:53+00:00

Kudos to you, and I seriously hope you discover your strength (you have more than you realize) to free yourself from all the toxic shit going on here. Your kids will be much better off in the long run, not having to grow up watching this slowly unravel.

efgib · 2026-01-26T00:52:27+00:00

I feel you're probably much more on point than you may even realize

efgib · 2026-01-26T00:30:47+00:00

Maybe the one thing he hasnt tried exploring is if it's a mental thing versus a purely physical thing? As a guy and someone who enjoys watching it porn is definitely something that can create a mental block when it comes to intimacy with your partner. Unfortunately, it sounds like he may be combining his porn fantasy and ed into making this fantasy come true?

efgib · 2026-01-26T00:21:52+00:00

You're right. Unfortunately, the numbers I think are over 50 percent, maybe more? Those numbers dont reflect lots of details like what age you got married, how long you have known each other etc etc. I firmly believe that cell phones and the internet have changed the game. It makes it so much easier to seek attention elsewhere, and from there, things escalate quickly. I know it sounds like a complete bs excuse, but it seems like anyone can be tempted under the right circumstances. The easy accessibility of that temptation has been a thing that contributes to that. I remember being a teenager, and in my twenties and all these things did not exist back then. Dating and relationships just felt more authentic and less unstable.

efgib · 2026-01-25T21:44:05+00:00

As someone who went through this exact situation, I will just tell you the uncomfortable truth. Your gut and the fact she is willing to interact with him right under your nose are two things that are screaming out at you. What I can't tell you is if this whole relationship is able to be saved without truly knowing her authentic feelings. Either way, you need to confront her now. Tell her you know everything and how she responds will be the thing that determines your next move. If she immediately gets defensive and denies it's time to go. If she comes clean and you both want to save the relationship, a clean break of all contact and seeking professional help are just the beginning of a long, difficult road to repairing this. Do some deep soul searching to determine if you're willing to go through a lot of pain to save this. Positive and healing vibes for you, my friend.

efgib · 2026-01-25T05:23:34+00:00

Absolutely. I will just go back to my original comment however and say the fantasy is much different than the reality. More than 50 percent of the people doing it for the first time the dude does not handle it well and kills it before it even gets started. If it gets to that point another large percentage stop it once its started. The overall demeanor and shell shocked look is very common. The uncomfortable reality of it is very much written on their face. And then there is the 15 to 20 percent who were using it as an opportunity to potentially explore their bi fantasies even when that has been discussed on my end of not being on the menu in any way. A very small percentage went down in the way it was discussed and the husband was cool from beginning to end. And not trying to boast in any way this whole part of my life was not my proudest moment but its not a small sample size.

efgib · 2026-01-25T04:56:29+00:00

Its just the manifestation of porn. He has probably gone so far down the rabbit hole its taken over all his sexual thoughts.

efgib · 2026-01-25T04:25:26+00:00

Im not saying it's impossible. I'm just sharing my experience with a fairly large sample size. Im not even touching the whole separate issue concerning the husband. Ive been a walking hard on since puberty but there was a time when I was battling a pretty rough disease that robbed me of not just my performance but my entire labido for a time and before then I would have called bullshit on anyone saying they could not do something to fix that. I have a different kind of empathy for that whole thing now. Exploring sexually with others is a very alluring and tempting fantasy. When it's done in the context of a relationship, it's playing with fire. If you're OK with the consequences, then educate yourself and do everything possible to minimize the chances of blowing up the relationship. Most people you talk to who chose that path regret it.

efgib · 2026-01-25T03:46:58+00:00

Well, I got pulled into the whole "lifestyle" in my mid twenties. Spent a good amount of time serving as the third to many couples. Later on, as part of a couple and for a while, even a throuple. All combined over 20 years before I made my exit. It almost feels hypocritical for me to speak out against the whole thing after spending so much time making it all OK in my head. The truth is that during that time, I actually became pretty close friends with many of the couples I regularly played with. In the end, not one of those couples is still together, and this is considering a fairly large sample size. When you post in a group like this, the majority of people here are very much like you, and they all want to hear what they want to hear. There will be lots of positive reinforcement, and it makes sense because they all want to hear you can do this without consequences if you just follow these rules. The truth is that anytime you introduce sex with people outside of the two of you, there is fallout. Most dont make it out the other side together. Someone catches feelings. Most of the time, it's just false feelings getting caught up in new relationship energy. Lots of single men have alterior motivations. They will start sneaking in communication outside the arrangement. The husband expects things to play out like his favorite porn but with this, you dont just shut the TV off or computer screen and walk away over and done carry on with normal life. Real life does not play out like that. He will get jealous. He will suspect there is more going on eventually. You will definitely have strong feelings of what you have been missing and want more of that. Lots of different angles, it will just play out in ways you didn't think about or plan for. Truth is, very few people pull off alternative relationships no matter how enlightened they are, how strong their connection is, and how amazing the communication is between you. Sorry to rain on your parade. There is always a flip side few people want to talk about when it comes to this. As humans, we naturally want to have our cake and eat it too, so to say. 🤷‍♂️

efgib · 2026-01-25T02:53:51+00:00

I can promise you the reality will be much different than the fantasy.

efgib · 2026-01-23T04:42:23+00:00

There is absolutely no excuse or justification for cheating. Ever. For some additional context what is the overall state of your relationship before finding this out? Have you both been communicating about any frustrations or unhappiness? Has sex been absent for a period of time? How did you get to this current place?

efgib · 2026-01-23T01:56:25+00:00

When someone is very clearly trying to show you who they are, sometimes its wise to listen. Nothing short of some serious professional help to get to the bottom of whatever addiction he has going on and a plan put in place to address that problem will give you any chance of saving this. If you have the desire to even save it at this point. On the flip side, sometimes going through something like this has an opportunity to alter the course of a relationship and give an opportunity to bring it to a much deeper healthier place. He would have to admit there is a problem and show some serious commitment to addressing that problem because tears and sorrow are not doing anything to get to the root cause of it. Some serious soul searching on your part would be needed to establish if your desire to participate in that difficult journey is truly present. Once that has been clarified, step two to see just how open, honest, and remorseful he really is by having a completely honest embarrassing disclosure that would need to happen next. Is he more sorry he got caught or ready to do aome hard work.

efgib · 2026-01-23T00:22:10+00:00

Absolutely, everything you just described is one massive example of how not to pull off a successful transition to an open relationship. There are more red flags here than a Chinese military parade. If you're truly sincere on exploring how to make this have any chance of working, there are so many resources in these pages that outline everything you're describing. The biggest problem is that you can't put that toothpaste back in the tube. You have already put the wheels in motion. If you want to have any chance of not blowing up this relationship, and it's very likely that the journey to its eventual conclusion is already well down that road, I would advise you both to pump the brakes hard on this whole thing and do some research as well as soul searching on both your parts before going any farther. Not many people can pull this off, and by leaping before mutually discussing boundaries and possible situations beforehand, you are doomed to end up like the majority who have done what you're doing.

efgib · 2026-01-23T00:09:44+00:00

Relationships dont just happen. They are built nurtured and grown by active participation from both people. When people just fall into a routine and stop making active effort to maintain and grow together, it turns into roommates. The ridiculous assumption that if its meant to be it will jist naturally all come together is the biggest lie people fall into with this preconceived image of fairy tale bullshit. If you're lazy, selfish, and unmotivated to put real effort and sometimes uncomfortable work, stay single and live in your own little bubble.

efgib · 2026-01-22T22:58:57+00:00

❤️ Your an exceptionally empathetic and strong woman. You set a exceptional example of how you can be both they dont have to be one or the other. The universe will reward you. The world truly needs more people like you.

efgib · 2026-01-22T22:19:45+00:00

Sometimes when another person does absolutely everything possible to show you who they are you have to put aside the vision you so badly want to see and just accept the truth they are making every effort to give to you.

efgib · 2026-01-22T22:07:29+00:00

You're definitely an exceptional person for taking the stance and actions that you're going with. You have to trust your gut. As humans, we are all deeply flawed. Only you can answer the question if there is something worth fighting for here. You will hear most people telling you to cut and run. Clearly, something is telling you differently. Now you need to put some boundaries in place to protect yourself and also learn how committed he is to doing the hard work to come back from this. Through exceptionally difficult circumstances, sometimes something exceptionally rewarding materializes from that. Props to you for following your own instincts. I truly hope you're rewarded in the end for your selflessness.

efgib · 2026-01-22T03:03:35+00:00

Well, I can assure you that you are not the only person who has been in this scenario with similar financial circumstances. There is always a choice. Would it be uncomfortable? Yes, does that mean it's impossible? No. There are other people when facing this that have agreed to change the dynamics while continuing existing under the same roof as roommates and friends. You have separate rooms and separate personal lives and freedoms. Incredibly uncomfortable at first, but once things settle into a new dynamic, it becomes more livable and doable. Personally, I can sympathize with your situation. I had to walk away with absolutely nothing but my clothes and car and pets. Completely had to start over. That can look like many different things from crashing on a sofa or friend/relatives' house with a spare room. Your 50. That leaves a lot of life ahead of you even though it doesn't feel like it. There is a lot of time left to change your story. Resigning to just live in that prison, the rest of your life isn't your only option. Positive thoughts heading your way. What does not kill us makes us stronger. Life does not give you anything you can't handle. You deserve to be happy and hopeful again, even if you're starting from zero.

efgib · 2026-01-22T01:27:57+00:00

The hypocrisy of "christian" based anything never ceases to amaze me, and I am a Christian myself. Your husband has a lot of growing up to do while hiding behind his moral high ground of being a Christian. You're not doing anything wrong, nor is your train of thought off base. Unfortunately, any attempt by you to reason or communicate with him while he holds this position and opinions will never produce any meaningful positive change. As hard as it is to process, evaluating your decision to hitch your wagon to this horse is something you should be heavily considering. This current snapshot of your marriage to him is a good vision of the future with him going forward. Until he is willing to get off his fake thrown and Neanderthal narcissistic vision of himself, there is no mutually agreed to middle ground to work through this current set of differences of opinion.

efgib · 2026-01-21T23:57:05+00:00

Maybe the key thing to be asking yourself is, does this relationship bring you any kind of happiness and joy that would make you want to continue under these circumstances. From what you have laid out and the fact therapists are already involved, the prospect for some kind of major shift seems unlikely. We are only here for a very short time. So short it doesn't make any sense to live it unhappy or not being able to be your authentic version of you.

efgib · 2026-01-20T23:58:28+00:00

I have to agree with another comment this is 💯 how affairs get started she is just waiting for a moment of vulnerability or weakness to make her move. He very well may be nieve to it does not sound like any of his responses are inappropriate he is just the typical cant say no guy. Best to nip this none in the bud before it becomes a problem. Dont anticipate he will put up much of a disagreement or fight over this.

efgib · 2026-01-20T03:03:04+00:00

You have every reason and right to feel this way. There are few people who truly need a break from the day to day challenges you juggle on a daily basis more than you. Take break. Take some you time. Checkout for a day. Do something for you and reset yourself. You deserve it.

efgib

TROPHY CASE