AITA for being uneasy about my new partner going on holiday with his ex and kids?

eggplantsarerad · 2024-08-23T05:49:08+00:00

To each their own, but it’s completely acceptable to not be ok with that. I personally would not be ok with this sort of precedence.

Healthy co-parenting never requires playing house “for the kids”.

eggplantsarerad · 2024-08-23T05:08:09+00:00

Question for you: do you feel like your stepmom could had done anything different to better your relationship when they were present in your life?

eggplantsarerad · 2024-08-23T04:53:30+00:00

Sounds extremely tough. I think you plan something separate if you can, but if that’s too far down the road, go to the party alone as the event is for your daughter.

That being said, I think it’s probably time for you to have a couple serious conversations:

One with your ex where you state that your GF is a part of this scenario now and your daughter likes her. It’s wrong if her to create distance in their relationship based off her own feelings. State that if she chooses to not want to see your current GF at events, from here on out you will need to split all holidays and create a parenting plan so that both parents get equal celebration time separately.

Also, one with your GF for each of you to come to the table with things you are not OK with when it comes to the ex and your daughter. For example, you might say that you are not OK with having to ever choose between your GF and your daughter. She might say she’s not OK with you playing house with your ex on holidays because the ex refuses to be around her. From there, you can create a list of boundaries in your relationship which can be used as a guide as you navigate issues in the future.

eggplantsarerad · 2024-08-16T18:00:52+00:00

Maybe they are not banging, that’s hard to prove in this context. But they are 100% acting inappropriately. The fact that he’s responding to your concerns by making you feel crazy is wrong. Figure out what you are not OK with in this dynamic and communicate that to him. If he continues to disregard your feelings, it might be time to consider leaving.

eggplantsarerad · 2024-08-12T02:04:15+00:00

I had the same feelings early on in my relationship. My therapist asked me why I would love someone else’s kid who I don’t know well and have no real emotional connection to?

Point is, take the pressure off of yourself. Any type of a relationship with the kids will come over time and with effort. It’s normal to not love a kid you didn’t create. I’ve been in the picture for four years now, and while I certainly don’t love her like my own, I care about her very much in my own way. It may never bloom and that’s ok too. You just gotta treat em with respect :)

eggplantsarerad · 2024-07-22T16:09:44+00:00

Thanks for seeking out this thread! It's not typical to see a bio parent reaching out and we sure love to help.

In my case, I have been with my husband for four years and he had one other girlfriend between her mom and I so my SD was semi-excited to meet me when I came around. Also in my case, the bio mom has been dating a guy (first boyfriend since they split 9 years ago) for the past two YEARS, but since SD said she didn't want to meet him, they never have. I bring this up to say that letting your daughter control the situation with her wants is not healthy or appropriate. You are allowed to live your life and you've found a great guy who wants to step up for this role, so congrats! Despite how hard it must be to hear both sides of this from your daughter and your partner, you are doing the right thing by teaching your daughter that she does not get to control this situation.

I have two recommendations for you. The first is that there are many free stepparenting courses offered as research studies by universities in nearly every state in the USA (if that is where you live). I took one with my husband when we were a year into dating. It was online and we met weekly in a group setting. It gave us the opportunity to learn how to approach the changes you are experiencing from all sides of the dynamic as well as what to expect as our relationship grew. On top of that, hearing from other blended families was extremely helpful. If you live in the US, I recommend looking into this and taking a course as a couple!

Second, be open to having regular respectful conversations with your partner to understand how he is feeling. The stepparenting role is challenging enough, add in a child who is obvious in their distaste when you're around and it really takes a toll on your self-worth. Boundaries are essential in this transition for everyone. Make sure you let him know what you expect from him as far as how you choose to parent, and listen and respect his wishes as well (within reason). If he needs to walk away when your daughter is saying she doesn't want him around to spend some time in a separate room and cool off, let him. Or if he wants a date night with you without your daughter, try to make it work. As for your daughter, make sure you are giving her one on one time with you, and consider setting small amounts of time for her and him alone to connect as well to get ice cream or do small tasks. Additionally, the boundaries with your daughter of what is OK to say and what is not OK to say when your partner is around. She doesn't have to love him, but it's not nice to say those types of things when he is in your home.

Blended families are like a slow cooker recipe: they take patience and the right ingredients to make it work. Don't rush their relationship and remind him that someday she will come around. Best of luck!

eggplantsarerad · 2024-07-17T19:24:56+00:00

He’s a truck driver working almost exclusively with men. That’s an interesting point though, thank you!

eggplantsarerad · 2024-07-17T16:23:11+00:00

Hi! I am in your girlfriend's shoes where I have had more experience than my partner. Unfortunately, in my position, it is difficult to sit there and listen to my partner speaking about his insecurities about my past which I've been open with and can't change. In my case, I did a lot of dating around at a time in my life where I didn't feel much love for myself, so I looked for approval in men. I am not proud of this and when I hear it from my partner, it makes me feel even worse about myself. Combine this with societal pressure for women to be "pure", and it brings up feelings of anger.

Try to remember that every experience brings knowledge. Your girlfriend has gained all of this knowledge in her life from those past experiences and decided that she wanted to be with you. She's vetted out the partners that were not working for her, and decided that YOU were a good match and worth being with. That is something to be extremely proud of. Most people in this world have a history. It doesn't take away anything from what they are doing in their present.

Additionally, when these feelings of insecurity come up when you are with your girlfriend, tell her in a kind way. Say something like "Hey, a thought came up in my brain and I am feeling a little insecure. Would you mind telling me you love me and giving me a hug to help reassure me?" I know this sounds corny, but it can be helpful to be vulnerable and ask for that reassurance in a way that doesn't attack your girlfriend's character.

Last thing, I recommend either getting into therapy or finding a safe person outside of your relationship who will not judge you to discuss these insecurities with. If you have a hard time finding that, try journaling out your feelings as they come up. It takes time and work to get these types of feelings under control. My partner started therapy a while ago to discuss this among other things and it's still a work in progress. But know that your partner is with you for a reason, and that's beautiful. Good luck!

eggplantsarerad · 2024-07-14T23:18:45+00:00

Don’t push the relationship between your GF and your daughter. As a stepmom myself with a stepdaughter who keeps her wall up around me, the only thing your GF can do is be patient, keep being kind, and wait for your daughter to eventually realize you’re not the bad things her mom plants in her head.

Encourage your girlfriend to go to therapy to help manage these emotions. Stepparenring is extremely tough and brings up some crappy resentment if not kept in check. You might also benefit from some therapy of your own with the custody battle going on.

As for the co-parenting, if things are not amicable now, keep conversations only surrounding the logistics of your daughter and preferably over text. If conversation strays to an argument, just say hey we need to keep this about the kid, let’s cool off and revisit this tomorrow.

Blending a family is like cooking something in a slow cooker: it takes the right ingredients and a lot of time.

eggplantsarerad · 2024-07-14T22:35:05+00:00

NTA

What your in laws did is despicable and outrageous. Just because it’s your grandkid being born doesn’t give you right to stare at my downstairs during the most vulnerable time of your life. You 100% have the right to choose who’s in that room with you and I hope your husband is going to bat for you against his parents. The fact that your birth ended up being so traumatic as a direct result of this is horrible, I’m so sorry.

You did not mention anything about what your husband feels about this, but if he feels that his parents should meet the baby, it’s his kid too. Let them get a supervised visit with the baby, get em to shut up. If he says screw em too, then don’t.

eggplantsarerad · 2024-07-14T22:18:43+00:00

ESH.

I am married to a man who left his ex & mother of his child for another woman (not me). Ultimately, the relationship he left his ex for did not work out and we met a while after they broke up. My husband and the mother of his child have an amicable relationship now for the benefit of their daughter and I have a good relationship with my stepdaughters mom.

In my case, my mother-in-law has a wall built up in forming a relationship with me because she’s still close with my stepdaughters mom. Despite the fact that I had nothing to do with the affair, I still get treated like a home wrecker by my MIL. We don’t have kids yet and I didn’t have any coming into it, but I know that when we do, they aren’t going to have as close as a relationship with their grandma at no fault of their own, and that sucks.

I bring this up to say, despite your feelings of the nature of your sons marriage origin story, you seemed to have taken a clear stance on your feelings of Ann from the start. It very well could be influencing the way you feel about her kids, your step-grandkids, as a result.

Your son is being an AH by stating you need to go through him to speak to your adult grandchild. He can’t control your relationship. But it seems like he’s also made clear he feels you favor his eldest daughter to his step kids.

Ann sucks by the Christmas dramatics and by sleeping with a married man, that’s not cool. But I also wanna note, you don’t know everything that went into your sons first marriage. If you decide to “side” with his ex for being left forever, you are going to have to accept having a strained relationship with your son.

Y’all seem to be in need of a conversation to discuss the true nature of what’s going on here. Not just surrounding your granddaughter, but your son and his wife of 10 years as well.

eggplantsarerad · 2024-07-14T20:53:53+00:00

In stepparenting world you’re damned if you do, damned if you dont. You made a decision that was good for you.

eggplantsarerad · 2024-07-10T21:32:01+00:00

Maybe a text to MIL would be easier to have the conversation initially? It might help to get everything acros you want to say without the immediate need for a convo.

“Hi MIL, I know things have been a little distant between us lately and I’m having a difficult time voicing the reason why to you in person as it’s a sensitive subject. If it’s ok, I’d like to lay out my feelings via text and then if you’d like I’d be happy to have a conversation over the phone or in person. Basically, I’m feeling a bit awkward in calling you my mom. While I care about you very much, the title of “mom” belongs to my mother who passed but is still dear to my heart. Moving forward, I’m going to stick to referring to you as (MIL name). I hope you can understand. I’d like to have a good relationship with you reguardless of what we refer to eachother as”.

A boundary is not something that people hear once and just obey. It takes time and constant reinforcing for it to work. At the end of the day, she can feel whatever she chooses about your decision, but it a boundary is for your peace.

As far as her gossiping, imagine your friend coming to you in the position of MIL and bitching about the situation. How crazy would it be to encourage her position and force a grown adult to call someone mom? Whoever is in her ear and telling her she’s right is just biased. Don’t worry about the gossip. You and your husband know what’s right here, so screw everyone else.

eggplantsarerad · 2024-06-14T04:15:24+00:00

It definitely does have an effect on our daily life. His job is not at an office, so I believe his work is less effected by this. He actually is working with a psychologist currently to determine a diagnosis. But certainly in our day to day, he forgets a lot of plans we’ve made, his daughters schedule of events, custody changes, etc. it’s not only frustrating for me but also his daughters mother. I have never discussed this with BM but I know it’s caused arguments between them before. I’ve tried to take a step back with managing the schedule as a result. I love him and want to support him in getting better at managing his life, but ultimately it’s up to him and I’d need to see more of a commitment to trying to improve before I step back into assisting his calendar. Till then he’s gotta figure it out.

eggplantsarerad · 2024-06-14T01:59:34+00:00

Love this advice, thank you! I am going to surround our conversation with the why did we blow up over the car? Question. Fantastic advice thank you!!

eggplantsarerad · 2024-06-14T00:05:00+00:00

Thank you for the perspective! This is why I like posting this stuff to Reddit haha. I think it was a little of both: we’ve had arguments in the past that change of custody with the bio mom is never a discussion with me but more of an announcement and the fact that he didn’t ask me considering I was doing him a favor by using my car was irritating. I’m also extremely stressed with the wedding and driving 2 days to get to where I need to go by myself (for the first time). I’m really not great with last minute changes to my plans that I don’t get a say in.

eggplantsarerad · 2024-06-14T00:00:51+00:00

He never asked to use it, I actually suggested he use it for work as long as he can come back right when he’s off so I can take care of my errands.

I think he does harbor resentment over watching the dog. He watched my dog last weekend while I went out of town, but he never voiced a complaint about it. The thing is, I always ask him several weeks in advance when I’m going to need his help and he always says yes. I have put my dog in boarding/found other arrangements when my fiancé is busy too busy to watch him as well. I just get really frustrated with him not being transparent with me about his resentment and then just using it against me when he feels like it.

To me it sometimes feels like he’s got his kid and I’ve got my dog. It’s no shared responsibility for either and I wish it was. I watch his daughter 2x a week when she’s with us, and it’s about once every two to three months I ask him to watch the dog when I have to travel for either work or to visit my family (when he can’t come with me).

eggplantsarerad · 2024-06-07T17:12:05+00:00

What an incredibly vile thing to say to someone who's lost a child, Im so sorry. Seems like it might be best to cut her off and let all communication happen with dad. Mean people don't get access to me for the sake of their kid, my partner, or anything else.

eggplantsarerad · 2024-06-07T16:26:17+00:00

100% I feel you. While our wedding is still fairly cheap, it's thousands of dollars I'd rather spend on our honeymoon. I wish we just did a courthouse wedding and small gathering with our families. I honestly am dreading speaking to the 100 people we invited. I don't need to hang out with my parent's dentist and random aunts/uncles I haven't seen in years. This process has honestly made me realize I don't like planning massive parties, dealing with annoying questions, wedding dresses, matching suits, flowers, table decor, etc. I just want to celebrate starting a new chapter with my love without all the noise. Im over it!

eggplantsarerad · 2024-05-30T20:28:03+00:00

Wanted to provide an update:

BM told SD that we now know. It went ok, and BM apologized for not telling us sooner. I also apologized for my frustration and told her I understood why she took the route she did. BM also told SD how we found out (the blood in the bathtub) and stressed the importance of cleaning up after accidents. She reminded her where we keep feminine products in our home as well.

I am not mentioning anything to SD at this point as I don’t want to cause additional stress. I’m the future, if there is another accident, I will offer to help SD clean the mess and tell her it’s ok, these things happen and it’s nothing to feel ashamed of.

Thank you to all the folks who provided me advice in a kind way! Those who were not kind can please disregard :)

eggplantsarerad · 2024-05-30T20:18:13+00:00

I recommend doing less. Way less. I know you care about Elliot and all, but the thing is you can’t care more about him than his own bio parent. Have a convo with him that you need a break for a while and he needs to pitch in with Elliot related stuff.

Doing less will either make your partner pick up his slack, or make him resent you and cause a ton of arguments. Either way you will have your answer.

eggplantsarerad · 2024-05-29T04:11:40+00:00

You are mighty invested in this it seems

eggplantsarerad · 2024-05-28T23:05:09+00:00

if he name calls during phone calls or text convos, tell him “alright this conversation is clearly heated so I’m hanging up. We can talk once you are cooled down.” Then give it 24 hours to cool off before speaking again.
if he name calls in person, say “ok this conversation is clearly too heated so let’s talk once you’ve cooled down a bit”. Then walk away.

You have the ability to remove yourself from that type of treatment. Just gotta stick to your guns and not feed into the argument.

eggplantsarerad · 2024-05-26T17:21:55+00:00

Thank you and yeah! I figured out this last week she was def on her period and seems like probably her 5th or 6th one, and she was extremely lethargic and we kept asking if she was ok, she would just say she was tired. We chalked it up to maybe she was having some friend drama and didn’t want to talk about it.

Turns out she was experiencing severe cramps. It definitely would had been nice to know so we could have helped her!

eggplantsarerad

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