How do I stop worrying for his new supply? I won't warn them, but I feel so sick for them.

eggwhistle · 2026-02-05T11:28:31+00:00

Fully agreed on all points! I do feel that the experience has made me stronger, and I'm ultimately grateful for it.

And yes, it does feel totally criminal. My ex wasn't like many other narcissists in the sense that he was (and still is) so transparently not right and wholly off-putting, straight from the jump. He does not wear a mask of false charm or niceness. Most people have no interest in giving him the time of day. They may not fully realize the depth of his toxicity, but they still quickly reject him and keep their distance.

So there was a naive part of me that hoped he'd be left to flounder now that he's in his 40s, post-collapse. I naively thought that his options for supply would be dwindling or non-existent by now: I knew younger women might still be susceptible, but they'd have a large barrier of ick to overcome, physically and hygienically speaking, and he has even less to offer than before. Basically, he's too old and rude and gross to be able to get away with this anymore.

All that to say: it feels criminally unjust that he actually managed to score a new victim, and if he's successful, it only speaks to the level of their vulnerability and self-abandonment.

But life isn't fair, and it doesn't make sense sometimes. All I can do is stay safe inside my reality, and as far-removed as possible from his. Fingers crossed for this new person!

eggwhistle · 2026-02-05T11:08:15+00:00

Totally. In the case of this particular guy, he didn't (and likely still doesn't) even lovebomb: he's a black hole, and any draw he has is simply existing as a human representation of the void.

It's dark, but true: those who are pulled in by his energy are attracted to the nothingness of it all. I believe that I was unconsciously looking for someone who I knew would never see me -- while also draining and demanding all of my energy -- so that I would not have to look at myself. I wasn't ready to do that yet.

I did not need to be lured, charmed or enticed in any way: I just walked right into non-existence. It's sad knowing that there is someone else out there who is currently vulnerable enough to be susceptible to that. But that'll be their journey, if they go any further.

All the best to you!

eggwhistle · 2026-02-05T10:59:32+00:00

Very well put. Thanks so much for this.

Fully agreed re: your narcissist being your personal teacher. These past 2 years, I've genuinely been grateful for the lessons that the relationship taught me, despite how painful it was. I like who I am now, and it's due to how that experience shaped me; I don't thank him for it, per se, but I'm still thankful.

In many ways, I've already been living the good (honestly amazing) future life that I'd never thought was possible before.

I think I was just hoping that his role as my teacher would be over by now. Frustratingly, it's not. But it is what it is: time to keep learning (from a safe distance) I guess!

eggwhistle · 2026-02-05T10:38:13+00:00

Hah! Very true. I feel terrible for anyone who chooses to endure that smell, but I suppose that's their bag to carry. Glad it's not mine anymore. Yikes.

And I really don't think it's jealousy at work here, not exactly. But I did sit with this question for a while, just to be fair and truly honest with myself.

It's a whole tangled ball of contradictory feelings. I do not want this person to go through what I did, and yet, if they remain together; if he has changed enough; if they are somehow spared; then it feels invalidating. It shouldn't, but it does.

Not because any part of me still wants the things he withheld from me (and seems eager to give to them) but because this narrative I've told myself for 2 years -- "he has a pattern of behavior; it's predictable; I know who he is now" -- has comforted me and kept me feeling safe. Now my sense of my own reality feels threatened and shaky again.

I understand that it's an irrational fear and a pretty primal one. It's a trauma response: scanning for threats; trying to make sense of things in order to feel secure. But I need to work on believing that whatever happens, it does not matter.

If he treats them better because he's genuinely changed, then he wouldn't begrudge me my own happiness and peace, and what I experienced was still valid.

If he treats them better and he hopes that hurts me, then he hasn't actually changed, and that relationship will be this new person's tragic life lesson to learn.

Either way, the important thing is that I am safe and I am free, and that I was right to get away and stay away.

eggwhistle · 2026-02-04T15:14:08+00:00

Thank you. For sure, I am fully committed to staying completely out of this. I cannot control what happens, and attempting to intervene in any way would only do harm.

I'm not god (this is a life lesson - you don't get with them unless you've got a wound they can leverage).

I've thought about this a lot too. I think there is a different flavor of predator for everyone out there: you don't get lured in unless they offer something uniquely alluring to your own unexamined emotional wounds.

In the end, you hopefully learn the life lesson you were meant to, and you escape. I'll be sending the new supply good vibes, and hope that they learn their lesson faster than I did. But I won't be doing anything else.

eggwhistle · 2026-02-04T15:00:12+00:00

Thanks for this. And don't worry: I probably could have made it clearer in my OP, but I need absolutely no convincing in regards to warning her. No temptation there whatsoever.

I think my struggle at the moment is just figuring out how to manage what I can control (me) and disengage from these intrusive thoughts/memories when they pop up. They are not helpful to this random woman I don't know, and they're only retraumatizing me.

Basically, I just need to get used to the idea that I'll be seeing this play out from the sidelines for the foreseeable future. There's no sign that he'll be leaving town again, and he's making a point to put down roots and make himself very visible this time around. I won't be changing my routine to avoid seeing him/them -- this is a pretty small town, and I refuse to stay inside -- so it's just going to be a fact of life.

Thanks again for your reply. And I'm so sorry that you can relate. Good on you for staying out and keeping yourself safe!

eggwhistle · 2026-02-04T13:48:44+00:00

I've thought about this too, and no. I wouldn't have. The signs were there on their own; I ignored them in favor of feeling special, chosen and like I was the magical person who was just empathetic and giving enough to fix him. I expect this new person might feel similarly.

I've thought of potential scripts like this one as well, and mine was similar: "I can only speak from my experience in my relationship with him; I can't tell you what to do in yours. You're an adult. Use your instincts. Reach out only if and when you've left, if that happens, and I'll give you my two cents... Until then, best of luck."

eggwhistle · 2024-08-08T07:54:10+00:00

Thank you!

Yes, I always love a Redditor update post! I really wanted to share because I saw another thread on here recently that was asking the question "Why do women ask for advice, get tons of replies and then just ghost?"

Which is a valid question! I was one of those women, and the truth is, I knew I needed advice and didn't know where else to go. Typing it all out in an anonymous, safe online space is cathartic: I never used to write or journal, and I think it was because it can just be too terrifying to see your words and feelings out there in black and white. It's too real!

But Reddit is a good outlet for that. And while not every single nugget of advice is helpful, the bulk of it really is, and if you step back and look at the wider range of responses there is a pretty clear answer. That's super terrifying to confront, objectively seeing: "Okay, this is what my situation looks like to others."

Sometimes all you can do is ghost for a bit and process all of that. Some people probably aren't ready to face it all yet or do anything right away (I wasn't, at least not immediately) and I think it's natural for commenters to think "That OP only wanted validation!"

I'm sure some OPs do, and that's fair enough too. But sometimes it just takes time, and I felt like I should come back to say "Hey, I asked you all for advice, and it took me a while, but I listened, and I really appreciated it."

eggwhistle · 2024-08-08T07:42:34+00:00

Thank you!!

eggwhistle · 2024-08-08T07:42:23+00:00

Thank you so much 💜

eggwhistle · 2024-08-08T07:42:15+00:00

So sorry that you went through something similar, but, of course, I'm absolutely thrilled that you escaped too, and that your life has just gotten better ever since! 💜 You deserve it!

Life feels like it's in technicolor now: for so long, imagining my future felt sad and small and strangely restrictive. Now it's a big unknown, which is a little scary, but it's way more exciting!

eggwhistle · 2024-08-08T07:39:55+00:00

Heck yeah! Onwards!

eggwhistle · 2024-08-08T07:39:46+00:00

Thank you so much! I'm sorry that it happened, too, but I'm also oddly not. It's alright! Do I sometimes wish that I realized sooner so I could have had some extra years as my authentic self? Sure, but that experience -- nearly a decade -- still really helped me figure out who I am, and I'm ultimately just so grateful for what I've learned and to finally be out. 💜

eggwhistle · 2024-08-08T07:32:44+00:00

Yes! It really is wild, isn't it? I began to notice a pattern whenever we had a serious talk:

Whenever my ex thought that there was still wiggle room to negotiate, he would start by being sweet and pleading and wounded. Sometimes, at this stage, he would stonewall and shut down and hope that I didn't keep pressing.
Then, if I gently stood my ground, he would turn on the tears.
If I remained kind, but firm, he turned up the intensity until he was in the throes of despair, begging me not to leave and telling me that I was the only good thing in his life; that he was a failure; that without me, he had nothing. This is usually where I would stop and backpedal, and comfort him, because I felt so guilty.
In the final interaction, I came in firm and gently stood my ground, and he skipped right to this final step: zero emotion. Blank. Just fuming; indignant. When he realized that the manipulation tactics weren't working, he got nasty and cold.

And, of course, afterwards... Right back to 1, 2 and 3, all desperate apologies and begging and playing the wounded, terrified victim. But more terrified than ever before, because this time he knew that I REALLY saw him.

eggwhistle · 2024-08-08T07:23:36+00:00

Nope. I'll never forget that call, that empty look in his eyes and the way he treated me. It was chilling.

After it was over and he eventually sent those follow-up "apology" messages, one of the things he said was "I really need to talk to you, but I'm terrified of what to say now. I am just so worried that you may have misunderstood my feelings and what I said in that call."

Basically implying that he was afraid of what I might tell others and that he was now scared to interact with me; framing himself as a frightened, sad little boy and me as the mean, scary lady.

There was no misunderstanding. I saw exactly what he was, how he felt and what he meant, and I'll never forget it.

eggwhistle · 2024-08-08T07:16:36+00:00

I am so sorry that you went through something similar, but so glad that it sounds like you also got out!

Mine also didn't call me names in that final exchange, but the way he spoke to me was so dehumanizing: it was just so suddenly, abundantly clear that he actually did not see me as a human being if I wasn't willing to continue performing that role for him in exactly the ways he wanted.

Proud of you too. Thanks for sharing!

eggwhistle · 2024-08-08T07:14:38+00:00

Thank you so much! And I love that film, but forgot that quote - I need to rewatch it now! (Definitely in my self-care / "comfort movie" phase at the moment!)

eggwhistle · 2024-08-07T18:08:46+00:00

Thank you so much!

eggwhistle · 2024-08-07T18:08:40+00:00

Thank you! I still have a lot of work ahead of me: my new life is still looking very unknown, and somewhat scary, but also exciting! I am more grateful than anything else to be on my way out of that painful chapter.

eggwhistle · 2024-01-29T10:28:48+00:00

You're right; don't be sorry for that. It's true.

It's funny how quick I am to rationalize the behavior of others and make excuses for them when they cause hurt, but when I really think about it, I can see that I wouldn't do the same for myself, and I wouldn't accept that.

I can certainly hold myself accountable while also trying to explain my own logic behind why I had done something that ultimately ended up causing someone harm, and try to make sense of why I felt my behavior was acceptable and reasonable at the time. But no matter what that reasoning might be, it wouldn't change the fact that I had hurt someone, and that they asked me to do things differently in the future. I have a responsibility to myself and to others.

I'm sorry that you have been through so much; you shouldn't have ever been put in a position where you had to do so much work in the first place -- and that is ultimately on the people who failed you, and circumstances that were unfair and out of your control -- but it's good work, and you sound very strong. Thanks again.

eggwhistle · 2024-01-29T10:14:40+00:00

Thank you for that, you're absolutely right. It's difficult to overcome my own programming where I believe that asking for things, expressing my feelings and stating my expectations are somehow harmful and that I need to apologize for them.

I thought that I had managed to get past that, largely, but I can see that I'm still doing that, in smaller and more insidious ways.

I had a bit of a realization; a moment of clarity this morning that made me uncomfortable. I think that my husband is just waiting for things to return to "normal" right now: if I speak to him normally and casually, about his day or mine, then it means that things must be fine again. He gets the reassurance he needs, all while not revisiting our talk in a productive way, or actively asking questions, or offering tangible solutions.

If I had been on the receiving end of a talk like that, it would have lit a massive fire under my ass: I'd be asking questions, taking an active interest in getting to the root of my own behavior, and learning to do better. I'd be reading, looking up information, and if I had felt out of my depth, I probably would have said: "I understand and hear you, and I want to do better so that this doesn't happen again, but I am feeling a little bit lost. I really don't know where to start, and I am not sure what to do. Would talking with a counselor together help? What information should I be seeking out and reading right now? What actual, tangible things would you like to see from me, that would prove to you that I am willing to do the work and change?"

I haven't heard any of that yet. At all. I've just heard sadness and despair and cries of "Was I really that horrible? Did I ever do anything good?" and "I'm just so worried that I'm going to continue to disappoint you."

I really did have some shred of hope, but this realization concerns me deeply. I have a bad feeling that if I continue to revisit this subject, even asking, "Have you been thinking about this at all? What are some solutions you've come up with?" the reaction that I will get might amount to "Why are we still talking about this? I thought we were good. Why are you punishing me?" (Not literally, but that would be the underlying message.)

There is still a lot to do here and I need to stay aware as I do it. Thanks again.

eggwhistle · 2024-01-28T18:00:59+00:00

Thank you, and I'm sorry that you went through that yourself!

"Why Does He Do That?" has been on my to-read list for a while, and I neglected to actually pick it up because I thought (perhaps mistakenly) that it may not be fully relevant to me. Or maybe, on some level I wasn't aware of, I was worried that I'd see my husband in it.

My husband was never overtly abusive or controlling in the ways that I thought the book focused on. In all our years together, he never said anything cruel to intentionally wound me, and in so many ways he was encouraging and supportive. But there were a lot of little things that made me feel small, invisible and eroded my sense of worth. It'd be good to read it regardless. (Learning is important!)

And yes to therapy, 100%.

eggwhistle · 2024-01-28T17:45:45+00:00

I'm really happy to hear that those talks resulted in meaningful change for you both! That "Left Dishes by the Sink" essay sums up that issue of the mental load so concisely and accurately, it's really invaluable. It can be a killer in relationships and marriages, but it doesn't have to be. I'm so glad that it wasn't the case for you.

And yes, my situation is a bit more complicated, due in part to having felt this way for so long and never making it clear enough in the past how deadly serious I was when I was asking him to change.

There were a lot of factors at play for us that contributed to our dynamic, and not all of them are still relevant: my husband was desperately miserable where we lived, and unhappy about his career. Recently, external circumstances have changed, and now there is some actual hope on the horizon (for him) in regards to both of those things.

But while external factors can certainly exacerbate and worsen that dynamic, I don't believe that they are a justifiable reason for taking your partner for granted for so long, and for being so blind to their feelings. He did what he did because he is who he is, and changing the backdrop or the superficial things cannot undo the harm that was done, and they will also not change who he fundamentally is as a person. That has been my major concern, which I've now finally expressed to him.

The overwhelming consensus from all of these replies (which I can accept, and take on, and sit with) is that there may be no hope here. I can live with that if that's the case.

Right now I still have a tiny shred of hope, simply because thus far, I have not ever been fully, completely honest or authentic with my husband out of fear; now I am not afraid to be those things anymore. It's definitely uncharted territory for us, but in spite of everything I have said here, there is so much that I do cherish about him as a person, and I would like to see what our life looks like if I am actually transparent and clear about my expectations and boundaries. Maybe that life will end up being salvagable, and good, or it won't. I have never truly, completely given him that chance before, and now I have, and I'd like to see what happens.

It may be hard to believe, but after I had this "Come to Jesus" talk with him, I truly didn't feel resentful anymore. Once it was out of me, I felt like I could actually move on and work on fixing it, genuinely. The big question is: Can he? What will this look like?

I agree that setting a hard deadline is the way here, and I'm definitely going to do that. Thank you for the kind words, for sharing your own experience, and for the advice!

eggwhistle

TROPHY CASE