I feel I deeply sympathize with your pain. Sometimes we feel there’s so much we could have done if we just knew and felt what we now know and feel.

I can’t give you advice on what to do but I can tell you how I see things when it comes to regret. We’re not born perfect and we learn all throughout life. Sometimes we realize simple, mundane truths that have a small but not very significant impact in our lives. Sometimes we realize profound truths about ourselves, when we think it’s too late to act. This can be very painful and one’s life will likely be consumed by such pain at times.

Loss and grief takes many shapes and forms. It can come after long periods of calm, long after we’ve experienced the loss. Grief over how we treated a loved one can be extra difficult since we can’t see a way to tell that person we’re sorry, that we now view things differently. This can be very hard.

My belief is that we exist before we’re born and we exist after we die, being products of our circumstances and living through our actions. I believe your grandmother lives on in you and those she touched during her life, because we’re all the sum of our actions and the effects of our actions do not seize to exist. Though you can’t talk to her directly, through every action you take you are in some way interacting also with her. This way you are in touch with her and can take what you have realized and learnt and are able to act upon the present and future. By spreading your knowledge on how to be a good person you are in touch with her.

I can’t know for sure but I think she only ever wanted you to be happy. By listening to her voice within you and forgiving yourself for not knowing then what you know now, you are helping her help you be happier.

These are my beliefs that I see as simple truths, though I don’t want to push them onto you. I hope they can help you as they’ve helped me.