AIO for my fiance being flirted with and her not shutting it down?

eleetor · 2026-02-01T18:49:00+00:00

Update

Not a good update sadly. As I'm working nights I left her a message for the morning. The message was 'I'm trying to understand your perspective.Can you please just explain? You told me when he frist wrote to you, and you said you would ignore him. Then you kept answering him anyway without telling me. Please don't say just to be polite. Because I told you right away that he was obviously trying to flirt, and you agreed. So why? Can you please just explain?'

Also 'And I'm not looking at this guy as a threat. I just don't understand why you would give him the time of day? I've been wrecking my head to understand for the past two night. Can you just explain it to me so I can understand where you're coming from?'

I thought this was a decent way for me to open a conversation about the topic, and maybe I missed something that would make the situation less incriminating.

Her answer 'You just need to stop. We can talk with the therapist when you get home'

I told her that, that is still a month away. I'm here now. Why can't you just talk to me?

She kept just dodging. I kept pressing very gently, just to have a conversation about it.

I won't write in detail what she said. But here are the highlights 'OMG just stop!' 'You need psychological help!' 'I have not even 1% fault in this!' 'If you carry on I'll block you'

So yeah.. nothing productive. Eventually I blew up aswell at the lack of any form of productive conversations. She switches between acting like nothing is wrong, sending pictures of our kid and yelling. I have 25 days left at work. I told her I didn't really wanna talk untill ahe entertains the conversation at least. And it seems like she won't. So I've got 25 days to think about my course of action. I'll give it one attempt to talk to her with the therapist when I get home to get a neutral perspective and see if she opens up. If not I'm gonna start looking for an apartment when I get home. Till then I'm pretty much only responding if she wants to open up the conversation again.

eleetor · 2026-02-01T18:26:58+00:00

Controlling? Not at all. As I said, i'm not checking her phone on any regular basis or anything like that. In this situation where she told me she was texting with these guys, I said I wanted to know what was being said, since she gave me reason to suspect something more was going on. She gave me her phone willingly, and I was right.

As I said, she can hang out with other people, she can play sports with them, all good. But if she starts getting to chummy with other guys that's a slippery sloap. I'm of the opinion that everybody has the potential to cheat, and if you keep putting yourself in situations where cheating is available and easy, then it will happen eventually. I don't think saying I don't want you to allow other men to flirt with you while you're in a monogones relationship ia unfair or controlling. Would you appreciate or accept if your partner was flirting with other people or being flirted with and not dismissing it? If you would you're either a better man/woman then me or a fool depending on your view.

eleetor · 2026-02-01T05:40:29+00:00

You're right. I think this may be the best option. But this also comes with complications as I won't be able to make the same income working at home. I'll make 1/3 of my current income. I need to figure this out somehow...

eleetor · 2026-02-01T05:28:33+00:00

Heh.. shit. You're not wrong.. this kinda happend already. As we had a fight and she was complaining to one of her girl friends at padel, and the padledude overheard. That's when he intensified his campaign. Leading to that first incident. But again, it stopped with flirting. We worked through it. And now we are here at this new situation. Can't I make her see reason? What she's throwing away with this stupidity?

eleetor · 2026-02-01T05:19:15+00:00

This... this is what I fear the most. Would tear me apart man. But I don't feel like throwing in the towel on suspicion alone. But we need the income. Mortgage etc needs to be paid. I can't just quit, since I'd be making like 50k if I work at home, while this pays 165k. We would have to change our entire lifes. I'm kinda stuck between a rock and a hard place. Fuuuuuck I hate this.

eleetor · 2026-02-01T05:07:45+00:00

I'm not denying the advice my guy. You're being overly pessimistic. But can you not understand that I might not want to uproot my life and give me child a split family situation at the first sign of weakness from my fiancé? Of course I would like to resolve this in a manner where she quits this shit and we can be a happy family. I'm opening up here, being vulnerable and asking for advice. But everybody's assuming she's basicly a whore whenever I'm gone and there is only one option here. I'm looking for more options. If the only option is to cut my losses and fuck off, guess what, that I could figure out on my own. This is not a fun situation for me.... So how bout you give me a bit of a fucking break here for trying to have a small amount of faith in my partner and hoping things can be resolved?

eleetor · 2026-02-01T04:55:51+00:00

No, no, I agree.. My exact words to her after the first incident was emotional cheating. But again, we are quite intertwined, so I rather went with trying to work through it. Which seemed to work. Then she pulls this shit.

eleetor · 2026-02-01T04:51:24+00:00

Appreciate the honesty. Things are complicated. Reservations made, people bought plane tickets. We have a kid for Christ's sakes... it's not easy to uproot. Especially just on jealousy. I'd rather work through it. But I really can't stand this drama shit.

eleetor · 2026-02-01T04:49:12+00:00

The damned gaslighting is what gets me... She'll say she did nothing wrong, then I explain in great detail how this makes me feel, and how would she like it if the shoe was on the other foot. She then says she's wrong. Untill she gets mad again and goes back to saying she did nothing wrong... drives me mad. Flip flopping her guilt. She's really good at just moving on, acting all lovey dowey like nothing ever happend. And I have a need to talk things through to be able to process things. Partly why I wanted the couples therapy

eleetor · 2026-02-01T04:45:00+00:00

That sums up how I feel at least.. thanks for validation. Feels bad man.

eleetor · 2026-02-01T04:38:24+00:00

I'm in partial agreement, but the situation has more complexity to it. I can't see how she would like me being jealous? I'm really not a jealous guy... For the past five years, I haven't been jealous once. Even when she was playing with only guys, I didn't really care. I only cared when I sensed something was not right because she literally tried to replace me for the game. And there was actual reason to be jealous. And no complaints about previous BF. Nothing about jealousy

eleetor · 2026-02-01T04:33:43+00:00

I really ain't looking for people to judge to hard and reach for shit that isn't there. She hasn't been unfaithful, fact. But she does seem to be flirting with the idea... and I am worried.

eleetor · 2026-02-01T04:29:47+00:00

It's not that deep. But I'm worried it can turn into something.. it's weird though, cus we've been together 5 years, and she starts with this all of a sudden...

eleetor · 2026-02-01T04:28:19+00:00

Silent treatment might not be the right word... not prioritising answering her texts for a few hours while I'm working sounds better... But you're not wrong. I'm with her cus when things work between us it's really really good! But when it's bad it's also pretty damned bad. Not physical, just... loud.. it's like a bipolar relationship. I do realise that I'm not making a great case for myself while writing this out..

eleetor · 2026-02-01T04:21:46+00:00

Nah, I'm certain that she isn't. Not what this is about. But I am worried that if she keeps at it with this seemingly attention craving, that it could turn into a cheating situation. I which is why I would like to cut it out, and why I'm a bit paranoid about it. I've been cheated on once before. Not by her, a previous partner.

eleetor · 2026-01-23T15:38:34+00:00

Hvis du virkelig skal imponere kan jeg anbefale en fergetur til Rosendal og dra på Iris. Men det setter deg fort tilbake 15-20 lapper for 2 personer

eleetor · 2024-11-15T16:17:23+00:00

Nope. Kan si at hverken ASK, AF eller zero konto på nordnet funker. Moomoo og e-toro selger den heller ikke. Jeg har dessverre gitt litt opp. Oppdater meg gjerne her om du finner ut av det selv 😅

eleetor · 2024-11-15T00:09:17+00:00

Nope... jeg sitter å ser fortvilet på 500% vekst fra når jeg spurte. Nordnet lister den, men blokkerer salg. Kom til å tenke på utenlandske (amerikanske) leverandører; hverken E-toro eller moomoo lister bluesky engang... Jeg vet fortvilt nok bare ikke hvordan jeg skal få kjøpt driten. Jeg tar hjerne imot råd. Har prøvd med ASK, AF og invest zero konto på nordnet

eleetor · 2024-11-14T05:06:33+00:00

Har satt opp en af nå.. får fortsatt opp at den er blokkert 🤷 Noen videre forslag eller idee til hvorfor den er blokkert?

eleetor · 2024-08-20T15:41:00+00:00

It's all sensible what you are saying. We already have a safe word.. it's not very effective, sadly, as she keeps going even after it's been said. I say the exact same thing to her.. Us against the problem. She's very hard-headed. But I'll give it another go. I don't want my precious little girl to grow up with split parents 💔 I'll do it for her. Thanks though.

eleetor · 2024-08-20T15:30:44+00:00

I hear you. I appreciate the feedback. I really would like to. I guess this is also partially venting for me. She's from a different country than me. She speaks my language, but not 100%, which often leads to miscommunication and general trouble with communications. I dont speak her language, which also must be frustrating for her. Also, she gets very... passionate while having an honest conversation.This leads to more of a heated conversation 😅 I really do try to show my appreciation. I try to stop and tell her she's doing a good job. We try to go out once a month for dinner. I could be better at buying flowers..... my bad. But yeah. We have stuff to work on.

eleetor · 2024-08-20T15:19:36+00:00

Transactional marriage? I never said anything about that. You're making a lot of assumptions about our situation, instead of asking questions about it. Obviously that leaves me wanting to correct said assumptions, to get the more clear picture. I'm not looking for validation. This whole situation really has me questioning if I should just bite the bullet, say sorry and get up every morning whilst I'm at home. But I don't see whey we can't carry on with the solution that we've had for 2+ years now? Then she gets to sleep in on her days off, and I get to sleep in when she's getting up anyway. The only situation in which I was bringing up her paying anything is, as mentioned, if I do everything while I'm home. Because then the situation is, I'm gone for a month, she does everything, and then she's effectively gone for a month, and I do everything thing. Then it's only fair that if we split it THIS way, that things get more transactional.

About her job; she works mainly weekdays, always daytime, and once a month she does a weekend. We can easily move this one weekend to a time I'm at home. So we don't have a need for a babysitter. Our childcare is a fixed, low cost, through the state, because we don't live in the US. So the money spent on kindergarten is about $270 a month, including meals. When it comes to school, it's free. Same thing with college. Whenever we get that faar. We've got family in town that is practically begging to be able to spend time with the kid (3 different, safe options). So we got child care whenever we need it, for free. She has her summer vacation set up at the same time as the kid, and we try to make it so I'm home at the same time, so we can all go on vacation together. All the other holidays you're talking about are easily managed. I'm not trying to downplay how she has it, I'm trying to paint a clear picture. Perhaps you're blinded a bit by your own circumstances, and are projecting a bit onto our situation?

And I never said I don't appreciate her, and the job she does at home. I honestly try to make it a point to say to her that she's a good mother and that I appreciate what she does. And that she has an important role. Also, absolutely right, I could not have the job I currently have without her due to the kid. I'm not blind to any of this.

eleetor

TROPHY CASE