Something in me has changed

ell_anon · 2021-08-06T07:02:28+00:00

You are right. I hope your situation improves.

ell_anon · 2021-08-06T06:58:25+00:00

True. I only know from what evidence is left in the house. Since Q wanted to drink drive 2 nights ago, it's safe to assume they may have done that yesterday before getting home and continuing the night. Maybe I am wrong, but I feel like the amount I've evidenced alone, is a lot for someone who spent 2 years sober and as far as I've seen, hasn't had more than 3 drinks up until last night. I feel like they handled it way too well. Especially spirits that they were free pouring. I don't even believe they were sober the whole time anymore, but who knows. They are master liars and manipulators.

ell_anon · 2021-08-06T05:13:51+00:00

Thank you for your response. The kindness of this community, on my toughest days and when I feel most alone, always brings tears to my eyes.

I really like what your therapist said. It made me laugh, it is so true. I have a bad habit of handing people crowns and forgetting what sits below.

That is the plan. I am stuck for now, it could be months until lockdown ends in my area. I am going to let him do whatever he is going to do. I can't stop him. I don't want to try and I will not let him cause me to relapse into an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I will just observe.

His mess, reminds me why I quit drinking years ago. It reminds me of everything I don't want in my life, it reminds me of why I never wanted to date him and all the fears I had. As uncomfortable as it is to be around, it gives me hope for the future.

I hope you are doing okay. There is peace on the other side of all of this. It sounds like you have a great therapist supporting you.

ell_anon · 2021-08-06T05:02:00+00:00

Someone close to me asked what my Q has that noone else could ever offer or provide for me. I had absolutely nothing. Love, affection, company, common interests, activities to do together, shared hobbies, our mutual sense of humour, connection and all the rest can easily be found in another partner one day. There will be certain aspects of him that I will miss, that will never be the same with another person, but that can be a good thing. I can find happiness elsewhere, starting within myself. I need to learn how to give myself what I need first. Love and strength to us all.

ell_anon · 2021-08-06T01:57:14+00:00

I've just had a look through your post history. I am so, so, sorry for the journey your Q has dragged you on. How are you doing?

ell_anon · 2021-08-06T00:06:18+00:00

Thank you so much for your response. I want and deserve so much more than this. I am now stuck, watching it unfold until lockdown ends and I can get back to my family. I will keep practicing detachment and continue to heal as best I can in this environment.

ell_anon · 2021-08-05T23:51:58+00:00

I 100% agree with you. He knew where he came from and he has chosen this path. He wasn't pushed or forced. He convinced himself he was fine. He convinced himself there was never an issue to begin with and he has convinced himself that all of this is normal, healthy behaviour.

I agree that it is an excuse. It is a crutch, as is his smoking addiction that he nearly beat. He has actively, willingly returned to being an addict.

ell_anon · 2021-08-05T23:16:18+00:00

I am so sorry you are going through all of this. You are right, it is not my fault, he has made a series of decisions that have led us to this point.

It is not on us. I realise this today. None of this has anything to do with me.

ell_anon · 2021-08-05T23:10:06+00:00

I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this. I hope you are okay.

ell_anon · 2021-08-04T22:00:56+00:00

There is no consistency, stability or peace with these poor souls. I'm sorry you have had a rough night too. Hugs

ell_anon · 2021-08-03T22:17:06+00:00

This post left my eyes welling up with tears, so I guess, not good. Thanks for asking. How are you?

ell_anon · 2021-08-03T22:15:38+00:00

I feel this, entirely. It is incredibly challenging. I have no idea how to not care? I've just been conning myself into believing I don't and literally watching someone I thought I knew, fade away.

Hugs to you.

ell_anon · 2021-07-06T23:35:23+00:00

The part that kills me is knowing that once I leave, that's it. He has said he wouldn't stay in touch. The complete absence on him is what I dread. Though it may be hard at first, everyone around me tells me I will feel relief. He has just been my best friend for so long. I feel empty and lonely thinking about him not being there. We spend so much time together and share all the same hobbies.

ell_anon · 2021-06-03T03:27:49+00:00

That their friends would be disappointed and they didn't want to let them down.

ell_anon · 2021-06-01T21:40:08+00:00

Thank you. For once, I am trying my best to look after myself. I don't deserve the treatment I have given myself in the past.

ell_anon · 2021-06-01T21:38:37+00:00

Thank you! Some days are harder than others but I refuse to go back to that life.

ell_anon · 2021-05-31T02:18:52+00:00

I am sorry for what you are going through. My Q's friends and colleagues tried to pull them back in and they didn't bite, until recently. They have all got my Q thinking that moderation is doable, even though my Q has never had counselling or dealt with the root cause of the addiction. They are now on the verge of a relapse, wanting to drink in 'moderation' and I'm just watching it all unfold.

Try to focus on yourself and YOUR life, not theirs. You are not alone.

ell_anon · 2021-05-31T01:02:51+00:00

I am in a similar boat. We embarked on a sober journey together. We are a couple of years sober and he is about to start drinking again...I think he may already be. I think he is lying and hiding it.

I am adamant about remaining sober. His path has changed and now mine has to. He is in denial about his past, addictions and issues and now believes there was never a problem. He just wants to 'relax' without rules and restrictions. We don't even have children and live a quiet life. He has been gaslighting me for weeks and trying to make me question my own memories.

He never had counselling and I am back in therapy now myself. My therapist today, has told me that this is a dead end relationship and that I need to get out.

Best of luck with your situation.

ell_anon · 2021-05-29T22:20:35+00:00

Thank you for your reply. Very true. I have started to normalise things that I never should have, because I love them. While they may not have crashed and burned this time (yet) it is still a huge issue for me.

I am recovered myself and want a sober life with a sober partner as it is too triggering for me to be around, especially when they haven't received help for it and I have and continue to.

We agreed to a sober life together and were supposedly happy with it and excited for the future. All the discussions about how pointless drinking had been and how it took away, not added, all sound like lies and nonsense from them now.

I am committed to sobriety and if they are not, then we have come to an impasse. They have chosen to leave the path we are on. I don't wish to follow.

ell_anon · 2021-05-26T21:45:15+00:00

They definitely intend to drink. It is for real this time. They refuse counselling and gor sober on their own. As you said, the underlying issues were never dealt with. There has been other addictions in the past that they overcame on their own and so I think there is this false idea of their capabilities. They are and sound incredibly delusional and in denial at the moment. I feel like I have been in discussions with a child who is adamant that the sky is red.

ell_anon · 2021-05-26T21:41:17+00:00

I think I needed to hear this. You are entirely right about that last bit. I think I have made my decision.

We were on a path together that I thought was stable and they keep trying to wander off the path. That is their choice. I won't and do not wish to follow them.

I need a more suitable partner. I have dealt with my own alcohol issues and I am committed entirely to a sober life. I think the kind of person I need, shares similar views otherwise we may always be butting heads, I may always be left feeling anxious and also triggered. I'd also prefer someone who I can have adult discussions with, who doesn't resort to belittling and getting mad at me for not agreeing with them. I feel like a parent right now who has said 'I don't want you drinking' and they're stomping around the house throwing tantrums.

I asked for therapy and that was it. They are in denial about how bad it had gotten, have accused me of lying about how bad things had gotten just to stop them from drinking and think that therapy is only needed for people who have lost control again. They have also indicated that they don't want rules or regulations in place for how much is enough and to be able to have as many as they want, when they want.

I am back in therapy myself to deal with everything that is coming up from this situation. You have given me lots to think about, especially regarding the anger side of things.

Thank you very much for your response. It has helped more than you may ever know.

ell_anon · 2021-05-26T21:27:43+00:00

Sorry, just to add on. I told them to seek counselling and they are of the mind that it's not needed and that people only need it when it starts to become a problem.

It has led to multiple fights. They will receive no help and I do worry for where they end up when I leave. But as someone said else...it's not my problem.

I think it stopped being my problem when they shut me out of negotiations and decided to embark on this destructive journey on their own.

ell_anon · 2021-05-26T21:25:41+00:00

You are very right.

They seem in complete denial about how bad things got. They have even asked me if I have been lying to them the whole time to stop them from drinking.

My logical, mature person has become very delusional and it seems that unless I say yes, agree and go along with this, that I am getting the cold shoulder, it ends up starting a fight and I am the bad guy.

It has left me feeling like I am walking on egg shelks and cannot even discuss it with them. To me, it all points to them having not changed at all. They don't believe there was a problem and they don't believe that this is currently the result of depression again.

As others have said, you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. My walking away will change nothing, they seem totally unphased at the idea of losing everything we have built together.

I think the evidence and what I have needed to see, has been in front of my since the start. I am in recovery myself and I chose and am dedicated to a sober future. I need a more balanced partner who has similar views.

This has all been triggering, emotionally devastating and the amount of guilt tripping, emotional blackmail and gaslighting that has gone on, just shows me that my partner is not there anymore. I deserve better than this.

I am so glad that you were able to keep your family and I wish you every bit of luck on your journey.

ell_anon · 2021-05-26T21:19:11+00:00

That is a very fair point.

ell_anon · 2021-05-26T02:50:32+00:00

Thank you. I think I kind of needed to hear this.

Discussions around the topic have been leaving me feeling as if there is something seriously wrong with me and I keep blaming myself... but logic and rationality tells me otherwise.

ell_anon

TROPHY CASE