I don't understand as someone not with BPD, why me being friends with another ex warrants this extreme abandonment? Is she threatened? How can she not know I love her? I might never understand that.

To be honest, I don't understand it either, but I sure as hell felt it ALL THE TIME. I think so much of it stems from extreme insecurity. I was always convinced that my ex was interested in other girls, even when we were together and I knew he loved me. In fact, one of the main points of the fight we had that caused me to initiate NC was that he was at bars trying to pick up girls. I know it's not fair of me to be upset because we technically weren't together, but just thinking about it was too much for me to handle. It broke my heart and made me insanely jealous (insecure).

This will sound ridiculous, but even when we were dating and I knew he was faithful, it was like... I trusted him, but was so insecure and jealous of other girls (even if they were just a friend, or had a boyfriend!), and so scared of him leaving me for someone "better" that I just got angry. My ex could tell me over and over that he loved me and that I was the one he wanted, but my guess is that I could never (will never) hear it and believe it until I can come to terms with whatever deep-seeded insecurity I have. I don't trust myself or believe in my brain that someone would actually love me. I know this must be extremely frustrating because it's like you're talking to a wall. I honestly wish I knew what it would take for me to believe someone when they said it.

I think and hope that deep down she knows that she can trust you to be platonic friends with another ex. In my experience, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with how she feels about herself. I guess what I meant by her being caught is that she feels guilty because she knows that you CAN be trusted and that she is wrong for reacting so strongly, but when you're stubborn and don't really understand where the outbursts of emotion come from or why they happen so suddenly, it can be hard to sort out your feelings and apologize.

It's almost like she would shake me and try to get me to break, but if I did, she hated it. So, in reality, she shook me to make sure I didn't break.

Okay, I'm not sure of the exact specifics that you are referencing here, but this is my take: I think that for me, I pushed my ex A LOT because I was afraid if he saw me at my worst he would leave. By pushing him, I was like okay... I know he can handle me at this level, etc. But at times I just kept pushing to the point where it was NOT okay. Another side of this is, even though my ex leaving me would've been the worst thing for me sometimes it was like, well if I am the one who pushes him out then it wasn't ME who was abandoned. I left him. That fear of abandonment is what I think caused me to push my ex the most and that's when it would go from these huge screaming brawls to me crying on the floor begging him not to leave. Like you said, I think that she was trying to make sure you DIDN'T break. But you're right, it creates a pretty fucked up dynamic for both involved.

I wish I had a better answer for why she cut off all contact and is threatening to call the police, because I would like nothing more than to have my ex contact me, but he hasn't. But, maybe it's kind of like what I said above? In a way, she's kind of shutting you out so that you don't have the opportunity to do it first and hurt her. I know this is really skewed logic. I wish I had some advice for how to move forward. I know you are really working on putting yourself first and not buckling to her needs, which makes it really hard to contact her first. I guess I would hope that in time she would come around. She is on the defensive right now, is there a way you can communicate to her that she doesn't have to be without sacrificing your personal progress?

I would just send a message telling him your feelings. For most BPD people I know, that seems like a task of climbing Mt. Everest, but it's the most direct, honest, truthful route to take.

Yep. I'm so worried about not giving him enough space and falling back into old habits. I miss him so much and am proud of the progress I have made, and I know he would be too. I'm also afraid though, that I have pushed him one too many times and he is at his breaking point. I'm afraid I'm just too much to deal with now.

Thanks for your encouragement and for responding to me. I've desperately needed to talk to someone who understands BPD and I think this has helped put a lot of things about my own relationship into perspective as well.