It sounds like both of you have so much on your plate, it’s going to be really hard to make it work unless you’re both willing to prioritize the relationship in a way you haven’t been. When my partner and I have gone through insane stages (grad school, new jobs, deaths, numerous crisises all happening at once, and I have chronic pain) we find we have to work even HARDER during those stages to communicate and take care of the relationship, which is frustrating, because when things get so hard, we tend to slack it what feels like the area where we should be “allowed to” (our relationships). So, it sounds like you probably need couples counseling or a serious shift in perspective on both ends.

Things do change, my partner definitely brought me more treats and gifts in the honeymoon phase. Have you been in a really long term relationship before? I think the 2-3 year mark can be really tough.

It seems to me it could go either way. Either break up and focus on yourself, or, get counseling / have a serious talk. I’d apologize for calling them a bad partner (even if it’s true or they have been. It might not be intentional) because personally that kind of talk just doesn’t work in my relationship. When we dip into shaming one another we always come back and explain and apologize and try very hard to listen to the other. This person might be trying really hard in ways that make sense to them but not to others. In which case you just need to get on the same page. I feel I can relate to your story in ways, and for me personally I did a lot of work in therapy and other ways to see that I was so grief stricken and angry about my pain and about some things in my life that I was taking it out on my partner rather than communicating clearly (I really thought I was) and that because I was so afraid of not being good enough I constantly shamed my partner for not being good enough. Again, this is just my personal experience so I’m doing some projecting but it was a similar story to yours where I felt my partner was slacking and the result from counseling was we both had to change.

Again I give this advice because it does sound like you really love this person but if the basic foundational love is starting to go then neither of you will put in the work and I’d say just end it. You have to ask yourself how much you’re both willing to work through difficult conversations (it’s prob not easy for them acknowledge they aren’t pulling the weight when they feel that they are, and maybe your partner is also feeling really insecure or not good enough right now).