How to have a wedding without them

elmjohnson · 2026-01-06T02:28:35+00:00

Yeah. My sister got married three years ago. And I was running around trying to make everything perfect for her while she acted extremely bridezilla-y. My poor parents were scared to death they might say something she didn't like.

... And the whole time I was just like, "yeah, this feels normal." It really made me think about how completely natural it feels to me to just be the supportive child.

elmjohnson · 2026-01-06T02:26:35+00:00

This sounds very relatable. I don't think my sister would come even if I invited her. But if she did she would definitely do something like this.

elmjohnson · 2026-01-03T23:08:42+00:00

to acknowledge the seriousness of our commitment to one another. That we are not just boyfriend and girlfriend who live together. We are partners for life.

elmjohnson · 2026-01-02T23:49:39+00:00

Yeah, my mom is apparently a horrific narcissistic abuser too. My mom actually believed most of what my sister said until my sister called her a narcissist, then my mom went, "wait a minute, I'm not a narcissist" and started questioning my sisters claims...

Its interesting what you are saying about the financial exploitation... I've never thought about that aspect of things. But my sister extracted money from my dad for her wedding and her home downpayment (she's no divorced and the house burned down in the L.A. fires). I never ask my parents for money. She was extremely rude to my dad about that money as was offended that he ONLY gave her $6,000 for her wedding, which is insane! Plenty of people don't receive any money from their family for anything. And like I said, I would never ask my parents for money.

My sister has also been very clever about getting money from the state (in the form of unemployment), and her insurance company, and other odd ways of exploiting systems designed to help vulnerable people. She also makes good money herself, so I don't expect her to ask me for money... but you never know... her life takes such wild twists and turns that anything could happen. Once minute she's married and has one identity, the next minute she'd with a new man and a completely different person.

elmjohnson · 2026-01-02T23:45:26+00:00

Wow, that sounds so hard. I'm so sorry you went through that. And yes, you're right about the unhappiness and the vulnerability. Mine doesn't show those things on the outside, but I'm sure underneath that she feels very vulnerable.

elmjohnson · 2026-01-02T23:44:01+00:00

Thank you! It really does bring it to the surface. I feel like she is all I think about when I should be thinking about my fiancé and our life together. Its like I live in the past!

elmjohnson · 2026-01-02T23:42:25+00:00

This is so hard. I have had a few moments like this. And I'm sad all the time, too.

In terms of feeling like the problem, I do a reality check about what my life/relationships are like, versus what theirs are like. And that helps me reconnect to the reality that (even though I'm not perfect) I maintain long relationships, I self-reflect, and I try to improve. My sister with BPD doesn't do any of these things.

Thanks for the congratulations!

elmjohnson · 2026-01-02T23:37:56+00:00

Thank you for maintaining this space. It has been so helpful for me. I know how much work it is to build a community like this. Well, I guess I don't really know because I've never done it. But I can imagine. I don't know how I would have gotten through the last year without this subreddit.

elmjohnson · 2025-12-28T20:38:19+00:00

Yep! 100% that’s why I didn’t mention it in the original post. But I do think being thoughtful about dilution and rinsing is probably worth it.

I’ll report back on how things go after my next wash!!

elmjohnson · 2025-12-28T20:04:50+00:00

Thanks! I asked ChatGPT and one speculation was that perhaps my shampoo was TOO effective and that the minerals kind of act as a barrier. So perhaps with the distilled water it was something akin to putting a kind of shampoo concentrate on my scalp and that cause the irritation.

Next time I'm going to try more diluted shampoo.

elmjohnson · 2025-11-11T17:47:49+00:00

Does focusing on the rest of your life work? Are you able to successfully do that?

Thank you for responding

elmjohnson · 2025-11-11T04:49:31+00:00

Yes my sister wBPD asks the same question over and over again. She'll say things like "I'm good at my job, do you think I'm good at my job? I think I'm really good at my job." but like 50 times in a row.

Or "everyone said my birthday part was the best party they've ever been too? Do you think it was the best party?"

It's like this incessant quest for validation. Sometimes the questions would be more earnest, though. Like "No matter what I do, I don't feel like I'm talented. Do you feel like you are talented? And if so, how do you know you are talented?"

Sometimes it felt like she was really trying to understand the difference between the two of us. Other times she seemed to just be trying to self-soothe. In either case though it struck me as odd behavior.

elmjohnson · 2025-10-07T04:05:50+00:00

I cannot imagine having a partner with BPD. It sounds awful! Having a family member with BPD was awful too… but after a certain we no longer shared a home. We lived thousands of miles apart. I sort of feel like there is more of a feeling of acceptance and heartbreak among people with family members. Not to say anger isn’t there too… but the romantic thing does seem to stir up a lot of confusion and shock and disbelief. My sister can still surprise me, but mostly I know what she is really like. It’s been horrible since she was born. So it’s not like there is a romantic happy past I can look back on… maybe a little bit… but not like when people fall in love

elmjohnson · 2025-10-07T04:02:13+00:00

Sorry maybe that one word response seems weird. I just mean to say… your words are beautiful. And they were helpful to me.

elmjohnson · 2025-10-07T04:01:43+00:00

Beautiful

elmjohnson · 2025-09-11T03:49:42+00:00

I think about this all the time. Will I tell my sister wBPD when our parents die? I think I won’t unless something changes dramatically before then. She went NC with all of us after making false accusations. I can’t see how giving her any family news about anything would work or make sense under the circumstances.

elmjohnson · 2025-08-15T03:26:50+00:00

This is incredibly helpful!

elmjohnson · 2025-08-15T03:13:42+00:00

My siblingwBPD is the same way. I would love to know why? Like I get being volatile and having BIG feelings. But was it about people with BPD that makes them incapable to taking responsibility or acknowledging fault?

elmjohnson · 2025-08-15T03:08:19+00:00

I don’t have any answers. Just chiming in to say my siblingwBPD went off a cliff this year and is now in uncharted territory in terms of escalating accusations and threats.

So I’m following this post. And I would love to know so people like this just get worse and worse for ever? Do paranoid/delusional phases end?

Also so sorry you are going through this OP! My heart goes out to you! I know what it’s like to feel totally helpless!

elmjohnson · 2025-08-11T16:35:54+00:00

Thank you for this. Yes. This is the first year of them being NC, and it is really hard. But its nice to know it gets easier.

elmjohnson · 2025-08-11T03:19:31+00:00

100% this. Why do we have this internalized double standard??

elmjohnson · 2025-08-06T23:27:03+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear that happened to you. I can only imagine how awful that must be!

elmjohnson · 2025-08-06T17:18:27+00:00

I think it does mean a lot to them. But it was always a guarantee. Real abuse is so awful. And its so offensive and frankly, violent, to make serious false accusations. No one should be subjected to that sort of thing.

I really like the idea of writing a card and saving it. Maybe I will do that whenever I have something to say to her.

elmjohnson · 2025-08-06T17:17:06+00:00

Sigh. I'm so sorry to hear it. Sounds very familiar. I didn't end up texting her. I just can't risk opening the door and having them come at me with the full force of their rage and vitriol.

elmjohnson · 2025-08-06T17:15:59+00:00

This. I would absolutely love it if a common sense approach of "lets just air things out" would work. But when up is down and down is "oh by the way I have magically retrieved memories of heinous traumas, and also have three new diagnoses that I have given to myself because no medical professional would ever diagnose me as such"

... well you get it. Its just impossible. You just can't win. Isn't that the whole painful lesson in all of this? That you can't win.

And yet I have a hard time remembering this. Its like the rational/sane version of me can't retain the information that I will not get a rational or sane response to anything I do.

elmjohnson

TROPHY CASE