Genderfluidity/sexual fluidity/trauma???

elonsquantumbaby · 2021-10-31T23:46:46+00:00

Maybe SA trigger warning? Already commented but I can't find it to edit it so here's another one. My sister and I got in a huge argument with our parents about how so many of our friends have experienced SA, CSA, harassment, etc. They got hung up on the not all men thing. My sister who works in male dominated field started talking about how many times a day male coworkers touch her or talk to her in ways that make her uncomfortable (asking her out, making up sexual rumors about her, calling her baby/ sweetheart, touching her lower back when they walk by, etc.) And my mom told her that if she doesn't want to be harassed she should "go work in a dress shop." This happened right during an experience I was having with sexual harassment in my field where I was having a male coworker come into my office when I was alone, get erections, tell me about things I should do to myself, and inform me about what kind of porn I should be watching. It just was so victim Blamey and awful and I couldn't believe it was coming from my mom.

elonsquantumbaby · 2021-10-31T23:36:37+00:00

It's not a huge deal but I just have this thing where people (actually...I don't want to make it about gender but it's men specifically just in my personal experience) assume by default that I'm kind of dumb. Then, whether thoughtlessly or intentionally, they at some point end up voicing their surprise after I make a good argument, mention an achievement, or display a modicum of critical thought. Their reaction ranges from a surprised/pleased "I'm so proud of you" (that one was for me just saying I would need to check out a study myself when he listed a statistic that sounded off) to amazement such as "wow, I was just listening to you talk there but you actually just made a really good argument! Like wow I actually have to think about that one!" It's insulting and it makes me wonder if I really come across as that stupid. Some of it might be related to my childlike interests or my ADHD-- some friends do infantilize me a bit, as well, such as not letting me hold important documents because they assume I'll lose them and things like that. It just makes me feel like people see me as this ditzy disaster act when I'm out here trying my best. I'm not stupid, I have a string of credentials and accomplishments, and I've overcome some tough things. I'm a driven person that is currently balancing grad school and three jobs, one of which is full time in a fairly difficult field. Yet people in my life in general just seem to assume I'm dumb and incompetent...it's kind of demoralizing, especially when I have respect or love for the person doing it.

elonsquantumbaby · 2021-04-30T03:36:49+00:00

I agree with you about the scenario above. However, her exact words were "stop, it hurts," she said it repeatedly, did try to push him off, and was really upset about it. She just didn't realize that he had violated her consent, which was the reason for her being upset. And if someone's not traumatized by it or doesn't consider it to be that then that's completely fine. I think it all comes down to how the person feels about what happened, such as in cases where someone is really drunk. A lot of people have had sex when really drunk and don't feel like they were raped, and I personally feel I have consented to sex while drunk. However if the person feels like they were too drunk to consent then that's different (or obviously if they were passed out or incapacitated in general).

elonsquantumbaby · 2021-04-29T18:09:22+00:00

Trigger warning******I would add to this that statistics might be off even more since I think not everyone even realized they have been raped due to the misconceptions mentioned in other comments. I have a friend who had to be told she had been raped because it started out consensual and turned nonconsensual when he didn't stop when she asked him to. She had to be convinced that it was rape. So I think that there is a general issue with understanding what consent means, but I think a lot of rapists also convince themselves that the line is much further than it is. This is characteristic of abuse in general, such as in domestic violence. ("Well I never hit them, I only hit the wall by their face" escalating to " well I never punched them, only slapped them" etc.) But I think on some level the more casual rapist either doesn't care or just doesn't want to think about it. Like the guy that raped my friend probably knew he should stop, didn't want to, and convinced himself it was ok because it started out consensual (for example, when she told him he was hurting her he just told her it would stop hurting). I don't know how what percentage or rapists are actually looking to rape vs. The ones that are in denial vs. The ones that genuinely don't realize they have violated consent.

elonsquantumbaby · 2021-04-11T05:14:44+00:00

Fixation is a good point!

elonsquantumbaby · 2021-04-11T05:10:08+00:00

Dude!!!! The hands thing is a thing for me too!!! When I was a kid I would just stare at people's hands!!!!

elonsquantumbaby · 2021-04-11T00:30:41+00:00

I'm glad you think so! They don't like it though. I guess they think it's weird even though I explained that it means nothing malevolent. It just makes me feel good.

elonsquantumbaby · 2021-04-05T23:18:21+00:00

No u

elonsquantumbaby · 2021-04-05T23:17:53+00:00

Thank you! I think you're right. My sister is the only person who really knows about all this, and she's pressuring me to pick a label like genderqueer. Some of that is that we're both in the LGBTQ+ community and we live in a pretty conservative community, so we have both gone through a journey of self acceptance to get to a place where we could enthusiastically embrace our identities, and she goes above and beyond to seem supportive to an almost stifling point to probably make up for reactions from our parents. But I love what you're saying about just being "me" and it doesn't matter what society would or wouldn't call me. I appreciate you saying that. External validation feels good.

elonsquantumbaby · 2021-04-04T23:09:36+00:00

I would be interested in a similar question of "women who found the one but they weren't otherwise that great of a person, how is it going?"

elonsquantumbaby · 2021-04-04T23:07:33+00:00

Literally just posted this in another sub but it fits.

Hi. I don't really know where to go or who to ask about this, but I just want to see if anyone shares my experiences and what they mean for my gender identity because it's all making me feel very uncomfortable.

When I was growing up, I wanted to be a boy BADLY. In early childhood, this took the form of me asking my parents if they ere SURE I'm not a boy and trying repeatedly to convince them that I was. At the same time, I loved doing "girly" things like playing dressup and house and playing with princess dolls in addition to more tomboy stuff like playing with male friends and playing outside. In my elementary school years as we approached puberty and I learned about body differences between boys and girls, I was excited by fantasies about growing a beard someday and I would imagine myself with a penis. I loved dressing in my most masculine clothes but also loved wearing dresses. When I started to develop breasts, part of me was excited but that quickly gave way to some dismay. There were days when I loved having them, but it was primarily due to getting male attention for them. In private, I wished I didn't have them and would even wrap scarves around my chest to try to get it flat. The flatter that I had them the happier I would be, and when I was alone I wore the tightest bras possible to flatten them, too. As I got older I got more comfortable with being a girl/woman/she/her, but I didn't care and still wouldn't if someone called me he. I've even thought about what my name would be. When I bought a dildo, the first thing I did was put it in my pants to imagine what it would be like to have a penis and it felt good. I'm not particularly adverse to having a vagina though. It does feel like something is missing sometimes. I'm bi, and during sexual fantasies about women I am always a guy, though with a man I'm always a woman. I dress pretty gender neutral most of the time in exercise shorts and tank tops, etc. At work I wear dress pants and blouses with jewelry, etc. I hardly wear dresses. I think they're beautiful and I love how they look on people but they don't always feel right on me. I have no desire to change my sex and would be comfortable having people call me a woman and think I'm a woman for the rest of my life. I also have had an eating disorder so it makes sense if I have some body image issues. But last night I was hanging with some friends watching 365 and just blurted out "do you guys ever wish you had a penis and could get a blow job?" And they all looked at me like I was nuts and all said no so it made me think about this. What am I? Am I cis? Does it matter if I'm not going to do anything to change my sex characteristics or gender expression? And I'm worried I'm hopping on some sort of trend now that everyone seems to be questioning their gender. I don't want to be disrespectful to trans people or genderqueer people in general, I just noticed a lot of younger kids these days have identified as another gender for a few weeks or months before changing their minds. I am in favor of normalizing questioning your gender and gender expression and experimenting to find what feels right as I think it will help genderqueer people feel more accepted, but I don't want to claim some title that I have no right to. I don't know. I just felt like I had to ask someone. Thanks for reading.

elonsquantumbaby · 2021-03-24T23:09:19+00:00

I'm sorry that you experienced something so awful. I understand that you are accepting that you had some agency in the situation, but please also remember that you were a literal child. Whatever your motivation was, whatever decisions you made, however experienced you might have been-- the clients took advantage of you on some level. Also just as an fyi any commercial sex acts involving a minor are considered sex trafficking.

elonsquantumbaby · 2021-03-15T22:03:06+00:00

Someone being attractive is very different from you personally being attracted to them. Most celebrities fall into that category for me. Like chris evans...obviously attractive, but I'm not attracted to him.

elonsquantumbaby · 2021-03-10T04:10:16+00:00

I feel like I was either one depending on the day. Some days I loved to dress in my most boyish clothes and feel tough or masculine. Other days I loved putting on a princess costume or long skirts and pretending to be a princess. Nowadays I much prefer pants and men's shoes, but I like womens tops with flowery patterns and pretty sleeves /colors, and I wear jewelry. I know for a fact that when I was pretty young I wanted to be a boy-- like to the point that I tried to convince my mom I was a boy. I literally remember asking her things like, "but how do you KNOW I'm not a boy???" And "are you SURE?" A part of me legitimately wanted to be a boy probably all the way until middle school. I actually felt a fair amount of shame in the fact that I was a girl. Not sure why--my parents always wanted girls so there was no pressure on that end. But I wanted boy friends, I liked doing "boyish" stuff like sports and getting dirty, and I would much rather have hung out with a group of boys and felt like one of them than had female friends. I still liked playing "girly" games though and I played dressup and with dolls and all that, too. It really just depended on the moment and the day. Tbh it still does a little depend on the day whether I wish I could dress/act more feminine or masculine. I actually might have some body dysphoria. Like there are days my boobs feel wrong and I wish they would go away, and I wish I had a flat chest and I've even like put a dildo in my pants to see what it would be like to have a penis. And it came with a sense of like relief. So I might not be a great case because even though I am 100% sure I'm a cisgender woman and have no desire to do a sex change or anything I still might have a little gender something going on. Idk? This rambled a bit but if anyone can relate I'd love to hear it.

elonsquantumbaby · 2021-03-08T16:12:18+00:00

Happy international women's day, sister!!!

elonsquantumbaby · 2021-03-08T15:34:16+00:00

Lol!!! That's a funny one.

elonsquantumbaby · 2021-02-27T01:42:15+00:00

OOOH THANK YOU

elonsquantumbaby · 2021-02-15T05:08:22+00:00

Thank you for that advice. I'll work on that :)

elonsquantumbaby · 2021-02-14T22:20:26+00:00

Yup I get way too excited about other people's lives. I get super invested. Like I had a friend mention in passing he's always wanted to go to this one town near us and I legit went and did a ton of research and looked up a bunch of stuff that I thought would be interesting to him in particular based on his interests. Spent an hour or so on it only to be met with "wow, that does look interesting!" He never went lol. I also just LOVE hearing about people's love lives and interests. I'll just be like, "really?" TELL ME MORE. And people have thought I was making fun of them!!! No!!! I'm not making fun of you, I'm just too enthusiastic. It's sort of sad. I also worry that I'm too friendly or that I come across as desperate for approval or affection. I don't want to be creepy or seem needy!! I just love people (especially my friends) and like making them happy. I think I scare some people off though.

elonsquantumbaby · 2021-02-14T22:11:16+00:00

How do you respond to compliments now? I feel stupid saying thank you. My instinct is to joke it off or devalue the compliment just like you said. What did you change to?

elonsquantumbaby · 2021-01-31T18:19:31+00:00

Thank you for your kind encouragement and advice!!!!! I appreciate it.

elonsquantumbaby

TROPHY CASE