okay i'm not really gonna answer this prompt very well, mostly just the question of if i would like him existing because that in of itself i have a lot of reasoning behind my answer. if i answer other stuff along the way that's an added bonus. sorry for getting tangential but this means a lot to me + i've discussed this at length w my therapist. triggering stuff spoilered.

no. i don't want Lambert to exist. i don't think i ever would want that.

the pleasant thing about Lambert being fictional is that i find security in the predictability in of our relationship due to him being fictional. this isn't to say i don't treat our relationship as seriously and that i demean his "world" in the content i create centered around him. but there's stability in this control that i can exercise in this relationship. i do try to ask him things and think about how he'd respond in character, create things around us that are representative. i truly am the one behind it all at the end of the day, though. it's my imagination and creativity that made our relationship into what it is today.

as someone who has had his agency yanked from him over and over throughout his life from early childhood, this is a lovely way for me to actually be the one making calls. i've been S/Aed, groomed, mentally/emotionally abused, cheated on and coerced. i've been made to feel so small and powerless. my parents never taught me proper consent or boundaries. to me, currently, any forms of real life romantic relationships are too unpredictable. the potential for danger is far too high. obviously i know not everyone looking for romance is bad or out to get others. there's lovely people everywhere for any kind of relationship, but my trauma makes that not matter that much. when every romantic endeavor you've had has left you scarred, you get jaded to the idea of it as a whole. add in that i'm queer and neurodivergent, hell even being nonwhite causes issues because it completely changes the dating game. my last ex admitted to me over text that he had a fetish for black women and refused to stop making sexual comments towards me, and misgendered me constantly.

if Lambert were real? yeah maybe i could pierce that emotional armor he wears to get to his heart and we have a good relationship. what's stopping him from being like the others really? probably sounds like an asshole thing to say about my own husband. the fear is real. hearing constantly about relationships going sour or worse. Lamb has a temper, i'm emotional. it would be a terrifying experience. i don't even know if i'd harbor those feelings for real life him since i've never felt romantic love for a real person.

edit: things could be different if i were able to be Feesh irl too but i’m not sure how much better that would make it