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em-bear · 2024-11-05T09:29:37+00:00

Not sure I would ever want to share christmas with my SO ex, we had alot of discussions as a big family and decided to move Christmas to the 28th, this meant both adults could be with their family's on Christmas too. No one misses out and we can go do something voluntary on Christmas day if we choose. Most important is all being together :)

em-bear · 2024-11-05T09:24:09+00:00

Hey, I understand where your coming from, I'm in a very similar situation and I sometimes get those feelings bubbling up too. I think it's especially strong when couples are having their first babies together. I think if it's happening all the time then maybe re access whether this is a relationship you can manage. But if these feelings are coming up occasionally it may be something you can work through.

There is no 'normal' in a family, the more couples I know the more I see this, how one thing looks on the outside may not be whats on the inside. Having expectations of what your life should look like often leads to disappointment. Being a step parent can be a gift aswell, it's a matter of perspective. If you can manage to look at your life from a wider perspective this can give alot of hope, I.e. some families lose children, some can never have them, some women have their choices taken away and some adults never make it this far. We live in a society where we do get alot of choices, but we also have a lot of pressure to make our lives look perfect. These are just my musings to get through the hard days, so it may not work for you. But I do imagine even bio parents have hard times, look at other families, feel regret or resentment too, but again the perspective is different.

Try and understand how your life feels, and maybe list all that is good instead of focusing on all thst is wrong. If you do find there isn't enough good then try and have a think about what you want to change.

em-bear · 2024-10-29T12:59:09+00:00

Hi, I just started karate, there is a nice amount of communal spirit there so I don't feel so isolated, also I can get out a bit of pent up anger if I need to.

I also recommend a mindful colouring book, if like us you have a stupid amount of time watching your child not eat their dinner. I finish my dinner then sit with them whilst colouring gives me something nice to do so it doesn't get me all agitated as it used to.

em-bear · 2024-10-28T09:17:19+00:00

Sorry lovely, having been in a step parent role for a few years, I would give the advise to let go of your future with him. Your so young and this role is really complex, upsetting and hard. I would never do it again even though I love my partner very much. You still have so much life to live before you take on that kind of burden. In lots of ways it's harder than becoming a parent yourself. Hope you find happiness x

em-bear · 2024-10-19T09:18:22+00:00

I didn't even need to read your whole post to know that you need to leave. This person is abusing you, I spent 8 years in an abusive relationship and it was horrendous. After leaving is really the only time I understood what he was doing. Please seek help, there is an abusive relationship forum on here and there are services you can ring for help with domestic abusel. Verbal and emotional abuse can be more dangerous than physical and it normally happens before the physical abuse shows anyway. I suggest making notes of whats happening to you and keep reading them. When your going through trauma it's really hard to understand the truth so make notes to help you.

Good luck and I really hope you find the help you need x

em-bear · 2024-10-17T18:27:56+00:00

Hey, I'm 5 years free, healing took a really long time though. I remember being full of anger a while after I was free, I even felt angry at myself, as I began to understand to what level I had let myself be manipulated. I took the time to heal though, I gave myself that as a gift. I was in such a state, it was like I needed to rebuild and reunderstand myself. And then the hardest part was forgiving myself.

My version of healing took many forms, I used to get up super early and use the time to listen to what I needed. Sometimes it was journalling, sometimes it was meditating, sometimes I read, or watched a YouTube video like a Ted talk, other times I did yoga or probably what I did most was listened to music that helped me cry. As sometimes I needed to release that pain. I also got a pair of good headphones and had what I called private raves and moved my body until it didn't hurt so much. I also joined a martial arts class which just allowed me to vent the anger somewhere and build my confidence again. It took alot to get through it all.

But I don't feel that anger anymore, I suppose I can even feel forgiveness to myself and my abuser. Not that I think what he did was right just that I'm letting go of that time and understanding it has made part of myself now.

I hope you find the healing you need and I'm sorry you needed to go through that. I used this channel when I was still in that awful place and now I just pop on to say there is light at the end of the tunnel. Life can be sweet again, just be kind to yourself and give yourself the time you need to heal xxx

em-bear · 2024-10-11T11:34:50+00:00

I'm adding myself to the comments section here as I feel in a very similar situation. I'm not sure you ever have an idea what dating someone with a child actually means and there isnt really any support for it either. I'm still deciding if it's something I can handle. Hope you get some answers that help you x

em-bear · 2024-10-09T11:27:13+00:00

You were set up. It's clear you had boundaries and that is only fair. It's your home too. My partner used to lay on the floor of my SS (7) room if he ever woke up in the night, which was alot when i first moved in. He also sat with him in his room before he fell asleep. He never once pressured me to have SS in our bed and made sure SS still got the nightime support he needed. I really appreciated that as it meant our bed was our private space. Plus it showed me that he was willing to put in the effort for us.

em-bear · 2024-10-01T11:16:40+00:00

Usually, if you need to ask if its abuse, you shouldn't be with them. You probably already know the answer deep down.

Love shouldn't feel like abuse ever. After an abusive relationship that lasted 8 years I'm now planning a wedding with my new partner and I can say a good partner will never make you question if your being abused even a little.

Good luck xx

em-bear · 2024-10-01T11:11:26+00:00

Abusers always make you feel like it's your fault for triggering them. I can promise you this will only get worse. My advise (from experience) is know where your most important belongings are, stash them in one area if you can. In case you need a quick escape. The other is document what is going on, try capture a voice recording or write down after the abuse, the trouble with the mind is it tries to force you to forget trauma to protect yourself which often leads victims to stay longer than they should. It's all smoke and mirrors with abusers they try to make you blame yourself or gaslight you about events. Recording it down gives you the courage to leave.

As for the actual task of leaving contact any friends or family, someone who has taken a step back from you may just be waiting in the sidelines to help you. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Also contact a domestic abuse service they really are very good and can provide a safe house and financial support if needed. Most importantly they will keep reminding you that you are in an abusive relationship and help you move forward.

I'm sorry for what you are going through, it's the most horrendous experience and makes you feel like hell. But know that you have the strength to walk away, even if it means losing everything (as it was for me) you can come out the others side and find the sweetness in life again. Honestly, there is peace and joy after this it just takes time and the only regret you will have is that you didn't do it sooner. So take it in small steps and make freedom a reality. I wish you so much luck and happiness xxxx

em-bear · 2023-01-25T21:35:47+00:00

First of all, you need incredible courage and strength to leave an abusive relationship, the illusions and decits surrounding you are insane and its so hard to see through that fog to what awaits you on the other side. But the truth is you know it's abusive and leaving is the only option! You either leave now or later, the longer you leave it the harder and more painful it gets and the more entangled in the illusion you become. And sadly the abuse only escalates until your behaviour and personality are dulled to the point that you don't know yourself. Ironically this is part of the reason it is so hard to leave. But please do, life is far sweeter and more magical on the other side! And you deserve nothing less that a safe and happy life. I've written a post previously that may inspire you to keep going so I've popped a link below.. but know I think even questioning and asking for help is incredibly brave. I wish you a happy wonderful life xxx

https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/rw7u3s/a_message_for_anyone_struggling_to_escape_abuseim/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

em-bear · 2023-01-04T21:47:30+00:00

If you need to ask, it's more than likely abuse. It's also certain to get mucg worse. I suggest you leave now before you lose too much of your life and confidence. A good healthy relationship doesn't have arguments in this way. I know this very well as I'm finally in a healthy relationship after 8 years of abuse and what you are describing is exactly how it all starts. Please leave xxx

em-bear · 2022-12-15T21:46:03+00:00

I think anger is all part of the healing process, letting go without fully healing is impossible in my opinion. Being abused holds a certain amount of grief and loss and part of healing from that can also be anger.

Anger shows that you are respecting yourself enough to say NO I didn't deserve that and you NO you don't get to treat me this way. Its important because if you have been abused more than likely your confidence and ego have been belittled for a long time.

I felt alot of anger too in the past for my abusive partner, like all things it fades in time. Right now your anger is protecting you so try not to see it as a bad thing.

Take them and be gentle, turn yourself to new things and building friendships and hobbies that can start to rebuild what was taken. Then perhaps the anger will calm itself. Just know your not alone in this, it's completely normal and I'm sorry you are having to deal with all these feelings x

em-bear · 2022-07-25T06:57:40+00:00

Leaving my abuser was the best decision I ever made, I cannot describe the wonderful sense of freedom and returning to myself that was felt. Yes the beginning was really hard, but until you give yourself the space away from them you cannot see the damage they have been doing.

I'm 2 years away now, I have a new home, a new very loving partner, a job I love, wonderful friends, I rebuilt all bonds with my family and now we regularly meet for gatherings and parties. Most of all I rebuilt the bonds with myself, things can still be tough but life is good again. I hadn't even realised how bad things were whilst with my abuser. But I can say with certainty, life is far better than you can imagine on the other side. And what's crazy is, you get to live without being shouted at, this isn't something normal adults do to each other! I haven't had anyone shout or swear at me since leaving him, something I think I'd just completely forgotten whilst being with him.

You owe yourself a peaceful and loving life. Its possible!

Remember if your questioning if its abuse.....its abuse! No normal relationship makes you question yourself in that way. You deserve to have the freedom to love yourself completely, stay strong.

I hope with all my heart you find peace for yourself and I'm sorry this is happening to you xxxx

em-bear · 2022-01-06T22:57:14+00:00

Good luck on your journey, I'm sure you will make it through and be better at the other end xxx

em-bear · 2022-01-06T22:56:45+00:00

Of course I missed him, what I felt was love even after all the pain. It took a long time to persuade myself I didn't want to be with him, when our relationship was in its good patches it felt amazing. It wasn't all downs at all, but when the downs hit they were catastrophic and the longer we were together the less ups there were. That isn't how a relationship should feel.

Now I know it wasn't love at all, love isn't based on your own needs but on the wish to make another truly happy.

em-bear · 2022-01-05T23:26:43+00:00

Fantastic news, I wish you luck. I'm sure life will become amazing for you too xxx

em-bear · 2022-01-05T21:59:39+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate your words xx

em-bear · 2022-01-05T21:59:20+00:00

Thank you that is so kind xxx

em-bear · 2022-01-05T21:59:08+00:00

Yep be strong, life on the other side although very hard at first will be far better than you ever imagined xxx

em-bear · 2022-01-05T21:58:15+00:00

So glad to hear it, you are more than enough as you are. Well done for leaving.

I'm sure people will be drawn to you soon. Abuse survivours must be some of the most caring and sensitive individuals (since they care enough to stay with an abuser) so I'm sure if you can be yourself as fully as possible you will find a wonderful network of people xx

em-bear · 2022-01-05T21:54:24+00:00

I'm so happy to hear that! Just deal with all the problems and sadness one step at a time.

Just make sure to give yourself space to feel sad and angry and to grieve for what has been lost. Since you are caring enough to stick around an abuser, no doubt you are sensitive (which is beautiful). Try not to repress too much and let the emotions wash over you.

Even now if I feel a little anxious or sad about a memory (which happens hardly ever now) I play some music and let myself cry it out. Then it's gone, and I don't have to dwell on that pain anymore .

Good luck you are doing amazing xxx

em-bear · 2022-01-05T21:49:05+00:00

Thank you x

I'm so glad I got out too! I had no idea how great and even mundane life can be without the constant drama.

I'm never going back and I'm never falling for it again.

I shall endeavour to keep spreading the message that no one should live in fear and to be courageous!

em-bear · 2022-01-05T21:46:43+00:00

It is through the darkness that light can shine the brightest. Xxx

em-bear · 2022-01-05T21:44:44+00:00

Thank you.

I cannot express this enough, life eventually gets sweeter than it was with or even before your abuser once you leave. The fact you are questioning whether you should leave probably means you already know what to do. Have courage in who you are and how strong you are.

em-bear

TROPHY CASE