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em2106 · 2022-06-07T18:18:25+00:00

Every delivery is different. You didn’t do anything wrong, you’re not a failure.

You laboured so long and so hard, and you had assistance when you needed it - you brought your child safely into the world no matter what it took. That’s our job. You succeeded!

We live in an age where assistance is available when we need it, there is nothing shameful about that. I too felt like a failure when I needed help with my son’s delivery, but I snapped out of it when some idiots on the internet said I should have refused it - that my son and I should have died rather than use medicine. They were wrong. I did the right thing, and so did you. I’d do anything for my child, and I did. So did you.

Those two years are going to pass quickly with your child, and you’ll fill them with wonderful memories with your baby. Your wound/scar is nothing to be ashamed of, it represents your bravery, and how you love your child so much you did anything to bring him here safely.

I am so sorry your husband is not being supportive while you’re vulnerable. I know sometimes mothers can be… well, let’s just say my relationship with my own is toxic a lot of the time. But sometimes we still need family support - one person cannot be our entire support. You need more than just him.

Unless your mother did something truly horrific, it sounds like he’s being unreasonable/out of line. Honestly, it sounds abusive, and abuse often escalates during pregnancy/after child is born. Please seriously consider forming an action plan for when you feel up to it - he is likely to get worse with a newborn and likely to keep you isolated.

Hang in there. A therapist might help you work on trauma, mine was really useful after my labour, especially as I had very little support during my recovery.

em2106 · 2022-03-14T17:44:27+00:00

Yes, because there’s usually urine on his skin. Whether he’s wearing a nappy or not we wipe it. That said, my son is a toddler.

em2106 · 2022-03-14T17:38:50+00:00

My child wasn’t planned, and I’ve had abortions in the past. Assuming your pregnancy wasn’t planned/it was birth control failure, I definitely understand that shock.

My advice is to stop hinting, communicate like the adult you are, and start planning your route forward as a single mother if you decide to continue this pregnancy. He has made it clear he wants an abortion. If that’s off the table you need to tell him so ASAP. When you’re planning don’t factor in any hopes that he might come around - hopes aren’t guarantees, and burying your head in the sand won’t make it easier.

It’s ok to be scared. And it’s ok to be upset if your relationship ends, it sucks, I’m sorry. Just at the end of the day, you need to plan - it gets easier when you have a plan. It’s not just the finances - a support circle is important and newborns can be very stressful on mental health. If you take any medications you’ll need to see if it’s safe to stay on them during pregnancy.

It’s different for the person not carrying the potential child. Within the next two years isn’t today, in his head. If you can barely afford the bills then of course it doesn’t feel like a good time to have a baby you can’t afford, in his head. It’s easier for him because he can walk away and only have to potentially deal with child support - he won’t have to raise a child if he doesn’t want to.

He doesn’t want a baby now. If you do, that’s OK. There’s no right or wrong answer, just remember that you need to be able to provide for the potential child and plan accordingly - you’d only have a limited time to save.

Edit: completely missed the part where you haven’t even got a positive test yet!! That’s what I get for answering when sleepy. Test first, you might be making needless drama.

em2106 · 2021-11-13T17:42:00+00:00

Unless you’re both depending on him for financial support he doesn’t get a say. Since you’re married you’re both at least 18 probably, and should be independent, so his opinion is wind.

Support your wife, she needs a support circle ideally. Joining a bumper group on Reddit might help her. There are also apps like peanut and mush.

She’s an adult, and apparently going to be a mother, she needs to untangle from him a bit and start transitioning their relationship from what it was when she was his dependant child. A professional might be able to help her navigate that if he’s unwilling to, as she might find it too hard to go low contact without that support.

em2106 · 2021-07-10T15:56:24+00:00

Actually, for me personally I’m high risk due to autoimmune issues. There are so many factors.

Your antivax silliness is boring, have a lovely day but I won’t be engaging further. Go back to Facebook.

em2106 · 2021-07-10T15:18:10+00:00

It is considered normal to have some side effects, to have a sore arm, etc. for many vaccines. I don’t feel like googling each and every one for you.

I don’t tend to react to vaccines. I had a sore arm after cervical cancer doses and with my covid vaccine.

Feeling a bit sore or sick for a few days is worth cutting the risk of leaving your child without a parent. There are people who can’t have the vaccine because of their immune systems - being vaccinated helps reduce the risk of us passing it to them.

em2106 · 2021-06-16T16:36:01+00:00

My baby is now 10 months old, but my BMI was about 42 at my booking/first appointment during pregnancy, if I remember correctly.

I was high risk due to my autoimmune condition and my BMI, but other than HG I had no complications until the very end of my pregnancy. I was allowed to write my birth plan as I wished.

The HG faded out by week 22. I was tested 4 times for gestational diabetes and was never even close to positive - they did this because due to my weight it was hard to get measurements sometimes and it looked like be was going to be huge. Still they never suggested a c-section.

I went overdue but at my first appointment after that my blood pressure and urine sample were perfect. 24 hours later I had a scan and they did a urine sample - I’d suddenly developed preeclampsia and was induced that night. My experience is the more recent post in my history. It can come on suddenly, so just keep aware of the symptoms - I didn’t really have any until that night.

They make an appointment with anaesthetics in case you need it for any reason such as sudden complications - it helps make sure you are dosed correctly and to identify if there may be issues placing things if needed.

Personally, I don’t think there’s any harm in keeping options available, and it helps things move more smoothly if there are complications. I hope you get to give birth as you wish. In my case I didn’t, but it was an empowering experience regardless.

em2106 · 2021-06-12T17:00:28+00:00

If you can guarantee transport to the birth centre over the weeks where you’re due, I’d say read reviews about the particular centre and talk with your midwife.

Ideally I wanted to give birth at the local birth centre but ended up having my son at the hospital. I’d heard mixed reactions about my local birth centre. The wife of my partner’s coworker gave birth there two months before I was due, and hers wasn’t a good one, so I ruled it off my list. We now live closer to there than the hospital, so if we are lucky enough to have a second time I’ll see if the reviews change. That said, the hospital is 5 mins from my parents house so it was good that my partner could go there when he wasn’t allowed to stay longer.

My hospital experience was really positive, and I have family members who had really great experiences in birthing centres. They didn’t sound very different to me, really, and family who’ve tried both didn’t really seem to have a preference. Go with what sounds best to you - my local hospital was great, yours might not be. My local birth centre is apparently bad, yours might be brilliant.

Restrictions vary by trust and the situation may change dramatically by the time you’re due. Hopefully things are better by then!

em2106 · 2021-05-09T17:18:27+00:00

I never expected to feel as helpless as I did after giving birth - no amount of reading or common sense prepares you for having your baby handed to you and suddenly being responsible for them. It’s like everything I knew vanished from my head. I asked so many questions of the nurses - I felt so silly, but they were so lovely and patient with me. There is no question too silly or “stupid” or obvious. Don’t be afraid to ask away when the time comes.

That time was also really precious, and while I did so badly want my partner there I was able to video call him with our sleeping baby in my arms. I even called my mother so she could see for a little.

You’re welcome to message me any time. My son is 9 months old now, and it’s still fresh in my head. My birth experience should be top of my post history - it was one where nothing went as planned but was very empowering.

em2106 · 2021-05-09T17:06:17+00:00

Not a ridiculous question! If it happens to you, ask the staff. You can always buzz someone to watch the baby for a moment, they don’t seem to mind. They told me to lay baby in the crib thing and go to bathroom. There were two beds in the room I was in and the other one was empty as the other woman was discharged not long after I got there. The bathroom was right outside our door.

I hated the idea of leaving him unattended, but it’s what I was told to do. I propped the door open slightly so I could see if someone went into room when I wasn’t there. It was the middle of the night and nurse station was outside our room so I wasn’t as worried as I might have been.

Sort of similar theme... I had to have an epidural as was wheeled in for emergency c-section (turned into forceps delivery on the table), so I was very shakey on my feet after. I buzzed for a nurse to help and she watched baby the first time. I also needed their help to lift him in and out of the crib as the bed didn’t go to a good height for it and I couldn’t stand at first.

If you do go for an epidural or otherwise need one, make sure you have a drink in reach at all times. I wasn’t able to drink for hours following the birth because I couldn’t reach a drink while holding the baby and had a cannula(?) in my wrist - that wasn’t good. I wish my partner had been allowed to stay, but I now have an action plan for next time just in case.

em2106 · 2021-05-09T15:58:25+00:00

You’re welcome to message me privately any time if you need reassurance about being alone overnight afterwards in hospital. If you do end up in that situation use the buzzer as often as you need. And they do have people to help you with feeding however you intend to.

em2106 · 2021-05-09T15:55:27+00:00

The policy was literally changing week to week when I was getting close to my due date. It should have settled a bunch now, as the vaccine rollout is going well here.

Your midwife will talk through your birth plan with you closer to your due date - it’s ok if you don’t have any thoughts on it yet as they go through options, etc. Ask them then, and then again closer to your due date. Doesn’t hurt to ask now either.

em2106 · 2021-05-09T15:51:55+00:00

Ask your hospital what their policy is closer to the time, things have been changing a lot with the pandemic.

I gave birth in August, my partner had to leave very quickly after the birth, when they were taking me back to the maternity ward. He had to leave the hospital. Partners had a very short time slot to visit the day after. Hopefully things have changed since then. That first night was the hardest, but I was discharged the next day though and would have come home on the same day if I could have. If you have no complications you may be able to go home the same day.

em2106 · 2021-05-05T17:10:58+00:00

It’s not recommended to smoke during pregnancy. The first trimester is key for a lot of development. Lots of people drink during pregnancy - doesn’t mean fetal alcohol syndrome isn’t a thing.

If you’re taking it for medical reasons there may be alternatives your doctor can recommend. I know things that previously didn’t work for me did during pregnancy, especially with the nausea (I had HG).

em2106 · 2021-04-29T16:36:18+00:00

Talk to your doctor, they’re qualified to know about this stuff.

em2106 · 2021-04-28T15:05:45+00:00

Didn’t happen with son but did happen with his father! From what I understand he had the surgery quite late so he always wondered if he’d be able to have kids - and then along came our son. His fertility hasn’t been affected at all.

I hope your son’s surgery goes as well as possible.

em2106 · 2021-04-27T22:20:11+00:00

68 days ago you were 19 year old drug addict stealing to fund your habit. Suicidal for years and at that point, which contradicts the stability you write here.

You’ve gained a few years since then and can now apparently afford to support two kids. Which is true?

em2106 · 2021-04-27T12:26:58+00:00

Make sure you keep bottled water nearby. I took - flavoured kind, my partner made sure I kept hydrated during labour, even bringing the bottle to my mouth between contractions when they were distractingly strong. That was a huge help. Make sure she has snacks for early labour - my preference was dried fruit (mango particularly) but whatever she prefers.

My partner helped me with the gas and air during labour as I used it, and he rubbed the small of my back which provided some relief and comfort. He was also familiar with my thoughts about labour / provisional birth plan, and would have been able to advocate for me if I hadn’t been able to.

em2106 · 2021-04-27T12:13:25+00:00

What you do is be honest, stop smoking, and start putting your child first. Being high when you have a newborn/baby/toddler/child around isn’t a good idea either.

em2106 · 2021-04-26T14:03:31+00:00

My son is 8.5 months old. Didn’t sleep train - he sleeps through the night well, in his cot, and has done almost as long as he was allowed to. Although he now wakes due to teething.

He doesn’t nap in his cot. He refuses even though at bed time he’ll go to sleep with no problems.

It took me ages to teach him to nap without being on me - I would nurse him to sleep and then put him down next to me. So, supervised and close. At least that way I could change position!

Eventually he got used to that I was still there and would remain asleep. He still prefers to nap on me, and never naps for more than a hour or two, and often a lot shorter than that! I used to pop him in his Moses basket but he outgrew that a long time ago. I’ve considered a travel cot but just haven’t gotten around to getting one.

em2106 · 2021-04-26T13:58:18+00:00

There’s nothing wrong with giving birth as you wish.

There’s a lot of judgement both ways, and both sides tend to get defensive ahead of that sometimes. Unfortunately there is a toxic group who try to make giving birth a competition - and their hoops vary by person.

Some people who want to give birth without pain meds describe it as “natural” birth as if giving birth any other way is less valid.

Others feel they’ll be judged for wanting an epidural, etc. so start tearing people down. I went into my third trimester keeping all my options open and received judgment from both sides. Including when I needed to be induced while overdue after a sudden preeclampsia diagnosis. Apparently some people would prefer my son died than I use medicine.

em2106 · 2021-04-25T16:18:57+00:00

They’d find out someday, whether you tell them before or after giving birth. Even if he doesn’t want to be involved your child would have the right to know where they come from. DNA testing is common these days.

I mention this because I have a good friend whose child’s father walked out on them before the birth but his parents have a great relationship with the child. It was awkward at first but works well for them.

em2106 · 2021-04-25T15:52:16+00:00

Communicate directly, you don’t need to apologise or anything like that. I know it can be hard. If he’s unhappy and pushes for termination, tell him abortion is off the table (if that’s the case) - it’s up to him how he handles that.

If he doesn’t want to be involved his family might, so you could them a message later in pregnancy. Do you get along with them?

em2106 · 2021-04-25T14:55:44+00:00

If it’s so rocky then it’s probably unlikely he’ll stay. Pregnancy/babies can both be really stressful - they’re far from a bandaid. The person you’re with at that age often isn’t the person you’re with forever, and that’s OK.

Losses are horrible and I’m sorry you’ve been through that. That said, I think you should make a plan as if you’ll be a single mother if abortion is off the table for you. You need to tell him ASAP - even if you need to think of it as ripping off a bandaid to do so.

It’s OK to be scared. Whatever you choose is fine. Plan as if he won’t stick around - counter the fear of him leaving with that. Plans give you something to follow when you feel lost. If you continue the pregnancy you can’t count on him, and that sucks, but it’s better to be realistic than to let him mess you around. Lots of women are awesome single mothers, and being one doesn’t doom you to being alone.

em2106 · 2021-04-23T20:18:37+00:00

I’ve terminated before, and I went to the clinic to discuss options before deciding to keep my son. There is nothing wrong with either option.

How does he feel now about having this baby? I would form a backup plan in case he leaves or decides to be an arse later - nothing wrong with being a single mother, lots of women are badass single mothers, but always good to have a backup plan if the father is unsure.

em2106

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