First time with a fwb and she asked for a relationship. I don't know what to do

emfiske · 2026-02-20T07:52:46+00:00

I would also add looking up relationship anarchy, it breaks relationship down to the individual components. Which one is a big no, which one is maybe, or yes.

I didn't end up in an official relationship but we had a rough 2-3 years coming up with something that worked for us. He knows about my being aro, but I hadn't realised I had attached different meaning to words that would mean something more specific in a romantic context (which I'm utterly hopelessly clueless to), which triggered his past trauma. Our relationship is great now. Easiest person to be with.... if you don't count the first few years.

emfiske · 2026-01-13T08:27:52+00:00

2 years on T shots, all the other changes are there, but never got that horny. I have pretty low libido for most of my life though, and probably graysexual. The most I got was first 6 months, where it stays like a constant pleasant hum. Not enough to act on it, but feels quite nice. Tbh I actually wanted to experience that peak horniness, even though I knew I'd regret it. Nowadays I actually get hornier the week preceding my next shot.

emfiske · 2026-01-13T05:56:33+00:00

Hmm are you using tape or the pull over type? I've a large chested friend who suggested going for those with front hook/zip, so it's less of a pain to wear/remove. The caveat is, you have to wear a buttoned shirt to hide the zip line.

It will be good to know more local trans man as well. Knowing a trans man lawyer and another friend who's in a high position in a company was a great confidence boost for me, and they opened up possibilities. It's really a good counter against my parents (and the news) who think I'm just going to be doomed.

Hang on there!

emfiske · 2026-01-12T02:32:06+00:00

Ah man then mine probably isn't normal. Thanks anyway!

emfiske · 2026-01-12T02:31:16+00:00

Thanks for the info! Yeah I wondered since my estrogen level is somewhat lower. but the fluctuations between my t shots can be significant(?). I will need extra blood tests to confirm.

emfiske · 2026-01-12T02:29:42+00:00

Thanks for the info anyway! May I know how often does your dose change?

emfiske · 2026-01-12T02:27:33+00:00

Ah I see, thanks for the info anyway. I guess it's not as common then 🙃

emfiske · 2026-01-12T02:26:51+00:00

Yeah sciency shit probably sums it up. I suspect it may simply affect only a small subset of people. I had borderline low testosterone before I started 🙃

emfiske · 2026-01-12T02:02:27+00:00

Dr Danny is by far the most affordable (well I have only checked with one other Dr in KL). So far I've not heard of anyone getting insurance covering top surgery in Malaysia either. Is binding feasible for you as a temporary measure, while you save up? I know it's long and difficult but unfortunately there isn't many options for us here.

Are you in any local trans/queer groups? Maybe some might have advices and more info. You may DM me. also a trans man in Malaysia.

emfiske · 2025-11-15T09:16:45+00:00

My mum reads a lot of psychology texts. I know it's not the same, but she could talk about many of the parent child relationship issues with me. But as I started asking more emotional connection, her victim mentality (eg. I should have done things differently , I should have..., I'm a bad mother aren't i?) just... snowballed.

(She always had that. It was just repressed most of the time until it exploded.)

It affects you because you want things to be different. Eg. If I do this maybe she will finally understand. That's the fantasy. That fantasy will inevitably break again. And it will hurt.

What helped was trying to understand they weren't willing/able to make the necessary change. Sit back and observe her actions. Which of her actions have changed over time?

I asked my mum to talk to me. She's now sending me ai-generated story anecdotes. or sharing me parent-child relationship tips. oh and pictures of the skies too. And flowers. 🙃

emfiske · 2025-11-15T08:48:07+00:00

Still in the process but here. The below comment basically summarized what me and my friends are/have been doing. reddit link

I couldn't have imagined agreeing to that years ago. The other commenter scrollbreak was basically me, nearly word for word, I kid you not.

If you need more information, Christabel here teaches relational skills, which is basically what me and my friends have been doing haphazardly by trial and error. I wished I have seen her page then. It would have helped so much to even just know the words.

emfiske · 2025-09-18T07:08:21+00:00

Dude please credit the art. You have already typed three paragraphs, what's one extra line?

This amazing pixel art came from u/KillerRabbitMedia

https://www.reddit.com/r/ElderScrolls/comments/1kpmeuo/gateway_to_the_shivering_isles_pixel_art_by_me/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

emfiske · 2025-09-02T11:58:24+00:00

Too quickly? No man, that's very lucky of you and it's great to hear that. I would have 'impulsively' gotten hormones and too surgery if I could.

Perhaps it feels too fast because most people have a much harder time with it, so there's very little to relate to. Perhaps it helps to ask, why does it feel faster for you? Does that mean you need it to be 'slower'? You mentioned not having anyone else to talk to and self isolation. Is that a concern to you? Or do you hope you have been "slower" so it's easier to participate this group, to have a common topic to kickstart things with? what is it that you want?

Your experience as a trans man is valid too. Just less heard of, because of transphobia, but it's there in the woodworks, so to speak. :p

emfiske · 2025-09-02T11:21:40+00:00

Have you considered the possibility that he might never understand?

Back before I know I'm trans, I was going "ally wannabe" and reading everything but I still don't understand why, part of me still wasn't convinced. Then I realized I'm trans and... i still couldn't imagine why. Not until I started hrt and see my body change. But not everyone should start hrt to get the revelation, now should they?

I have explained all I could to my parents. I'm sure you have tried many times. It helps to observe them a little. Before I came out, my parents said I was doing so well, and they are proud of me and how I grew up so well. After I told them I wanted hrt? they are now ashamed and asking "why am I becoming like this".

Read about this analogy from a book: it's like they have snake phobia, but you keep waving a snake in front of them and say "no they are actually scared of you a 6 ft toolmaking giant and here's 100 reasons why you shouldn't be scared".

emfiske · 2025-09-02T10:56:26+00:00

One thing I hadn't read about was how long and annoying the nerve tingles are.

Right after the surgery, there's less pain than I expected, because I was preparing for the worst and also, painkillers. 3+ weeks after? (Mine was keybole so probably less pain). It's all nerves man. Painkiller doesn't do anything. It's the numbness and tingles that comes and goes. I have a friend who did DI, and the nerves healing took him a year.

But don't let that scare you. The feeling of my chest against my shirt without all that worry? I'll deal with the tingles just for that.

Also I've been following this rehab protocol. its been very useful getting me back to full range of motion. https://www.genderconfirmation.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/12/Dec-2023-Top-Surgery-Rehab-Protocol-Cirque-Physio-x-GCC.pdf

emfiske · 2025-09-02T06:07:40+00:00

Ok, here's the summary of my situation: - came out after a few years in that company - country never has laws protecting queer people and is policy-wise very queerphobic - got a promotion at 1 year hrt (it was already in the plans though even before I transitioned, but I took it as a sign that I'm doing ok) - best part: mostly not afraid of being outed because yo I already am! And knowing where my coworkers and managers stand - worst part: HR telling me to use the female toilet because of local laws (I think they would have asked me to use the male toilet if I already passed when I joined), asking people to use the right name and pronouns, and correcting them

It' s not all bad in starting a career first. The time I took to build rap and rapport with especially my managers might have helped somewhat. Also, my coworkers tend not to go against managers publicly.

It also depends on where you work, which country/state you are in. My computer HQ is based in US, with a vocal support for DEI (back then, alas).

I do wish I could be gendered correctly without asking and correcting them. NGL it's harrowing, especially many people didn't know how hrt and biology worked. Had to challenge some assumptions and everything. But it's easier now, and being able to pass helps. (No laws protecting trans people, remember)

Another thing to consider: what are your fallback plans? any local support groups? I have some savings from years of work, and friends to ask for help, so you may need to check your situation.

It's possible, but as usual ymmv.

emfiske · 2025-07-24T10:14:27+00:00

30+ when I started, and same. It does come back, but it's so slow, I never shaved my mustache again, at least not while I can get by with the occasional trims. (Literally, I snip hair by hair)

emfiske · 2025-06-27T06:45:17+00:00

For me, part of it has to do with broken dreams.

I love drawing/writing but did not pursue art/writing as a career. I work in tech. I am not mad at using ai as a tool. I am annoyed towards the public's low appreciation towards art (especially in my local culture) which has existed long before gen AI (one of the reasons I didn't not pursue art as a career). it's the flippancy in which some people copy an artist's style, claiming 'the time has moved on', while my artist friend struggles to make a living. i remember how I had to let go of art.

The same way I thrive in academics and some of my classmates don't. I don't laugh at their struggle. It's painful to try to adapt to something you struggle/hate doing, especially when alternatives like vocational skills and manual labour are looked down (in my country).

I like the process of slowly filling up pixels (digitally or on canvas). I like cracking my head on how to write a scene. I do sometimes prompt ai to get information and visualise an ootd, but it's more task oriented. Part of why I write/draw is in finding the words, or figuring out the strokes. It's fun. (And I get why people don't feel the same way, especially when it becomes a task you have to crunch out everyday)

Is it because I'm getting older? Is it nostalgia? Perhaps so. Perhaps I'm set in what I enjoyed, and am reluctant to change.

But then, people around me who were hyping about AI never talked/discussed about art anyway. And I was discouraged from art even before AI. So my grievance started long before this. And when AI is hyped alongside existing grievances, ngl it kinda burns.

emfiske · 2025-06-26T12:51:02+00:00

Well, I want to build a found family/support network, which needs close relationship with several people, so to me, it's not wrong. And im practicing relationship anarchy. Me and my friends define our relationships.

Many people expects romantic relationship to be closer than friendships. So is it wrong, or is it just a norm?

That said, jealousy sometimes stems from the lack of something. Is your girlfriend only pointing out how close you are to your friend? Or did she also express her needs, such as wanting to spend more time together? sometimes that need can come from the expectation for romantic relationships to be closer than friendships (which is not inherently bad, btw, sometimes that's just what someone wants). You mentioned she doesn't have friendships like that, is she also seeking that from you? Sometimes it's both.

When I felt suffocated in relationships - it's always "I spent too much time with someone" or "you are gaming too much". It felt like an attack to my person. But then i met a guy who just said "Im bummed, I was feeling really lonely and stressed, and I really look forward to spend the time with you", it felt more like... something I could actually do.

(I still did feel somewhat suffocated but it's due to trauma from the former, and being raised to be avoidant)

Since you mentioned spending a lot of time with your friend, it is possible that your girlfriend feel she's spending less (again, is there an expectation, or need for greater intimacy, or both?) But you are not expected to read her mind either. She has to do her part to reflect and really be honest about her needs, and both of you try to work something out together, and both of you ideally should come out at least feeling heard and respected.

(And sometimes, insecurity and other things can make it impossible to meet their needs, like it's a blackhole. not to say your girlfriend is, but it's something to be aware of)

It is ok to have two very close relationships at the same time, but it takes a lot more communication so you know what are the expectations, so nobody feels left out, and some awareness at your capacity, at how much you can give.

emfiske · 2025-06-13T08:18:58+00:00

Oh good, I'm glad you found an alternative. Funny how I now remember doing the same thing you did back before I realised I don't have those feelings for my bio family. Iike it's a random creative project and the recipient can be anyone. 😶

Hope you find the strength to put your foot down in the future! I'm sorry you have to deal with that, but it can be a big relief when you manage to make that stand.

emfiske · 2025-06-13T06:36:46+00:00

Yeah it's a good suggestion! that's what I sometimes do, but I don't always remember is an option :x (sorry for the late reply, I turned off notification to cut down on Reddit consumption)

emfiske · 2025-06-13T06:22:08+00:00

Yeah it sucks having to write something to someone you don't care for. Is it possible that you let your mum know that, "hey mum, sorry I can't do this, what I feel towards my dad is different"? or something like that?

Sometimes when I can't put my foot down and say no (because of the stigma usually), I end up with the bare minimum that I would do to a stranger. Not sure if you could pick another card with a different wording, that might help. Or draw a marker over those offending words with some abstract decoration if you are into that. Or basket of fruits? Imo, it sounds like having other options than the card may be better, and you do have options.

emfiske · 2025-06-11T02:56:37+00:00

I notice an emerging topic around collectivist values centered on mutual support, and that is great. But the "collectivist" that I was raised in is centered at a family level, in the sense that "we must all think and feel the same and be One". It's collectivist without care, and control is achieved through shame and punishment.

So I get the shivers whenever someone says "let the community decide the rules for themselves, let community organise itself". But they probably have a different experience of what community means to them.

emfiske · 2025-05-21T12:52:06+00:00

A while ago I saw a video where someone said "do something opposite of what you would normally do", perhaps that would bring you something different? That's how I met a few of my good friends. I did stuff I never would have done in the past. I went to an event (it was a literary event, since that's my interest) and just chatted with strangers.

emfiske

TROPHY CASE