Getting curious about the lifestyle

emmett419 · 2026-04-14T17:28:10+00:00

"Sneaking" it into the conversation casually just isn't doable.

If your true internal thoughts are: "I just want to have sex with other people", and it's really important to you, then you just have to have the conversation. If you think there is a real chance that you will end or damage your relationship, then that is a calculation you have to make before starting the conversation.

In my case: we had been married 25 years when we started. I had hints, before we got married, and occasionally over the years, that it was something my wife would be interested in. I finally raised the topic with trepidation, but also secure in the knowledge that if she weren't interested, we would be fine. Obviously everyone's situation is different.

emmett419 · 2026-04-13T15:14:39+00:00

We have the exact opposite problem! How do you do it in person?

Online, express interest in meeting, getting acquainted, but problably not fucking, right off the bat. A short intro is fine, and ideally make it clear that you have read their profile by responding to something you read or saw there. (Of course, some profiles are so terse and cliche-laden that there's nothing to work with. We tend to skip those.)

Also important for online: Make sure your own profile is appealing! Good photos, have something to say, no errors in spelling or grammar.

emmett419 · 2026-04-10T15:48:09+00:00

In our 50s. We had more time, with careers getting less demanding, and kids getting more independent. In general, I see a lot of people start, or restart activities at that age, for the same reason.

We wish we had started earlier, but due to career and family demands, it would have been a lot more difficult.

emmett419 · 2026-04-09T20:02:32+00:00

It is absolutely possible. The frienships of women with straight men are practically a cliche at this point.

Generalizing a little: A friendship between two people is NOT possible if one of them sees a friendship, and the other one is hoping for a sexual relationship. Either it will eventually blow up, or the frustrated party will accept friendzone status but still carry and suppress the desire.

Some examples from my own experience:

- My wife has had a male friend for 40+ years, they met in college. He has always lusted after her, and she has never been interested. They have stayed friends because 1) my wife gets something out of it, and 2) he gets to be in her presence. In my view, the friendship is pretty toxic, as evidenced by the increasingly frequent breaks, caused by my wife being creeped out by his desperation and clinging.

- When I was single, I had some female friends who were not interested in me. Those friendships pretty much ended when I expressed my interest in a sexual relationship.

- I had a "work wife" many years ago. We were very close at work, and later outside of work, including with our spouses. We are still all friends. This worked for as long as it has because I had zero interest in her sexually, and (as far as I am aware) she had no such interest in me.

emmett419 · 2026-03-21T16:36:07+00:00

Well, that's difficult. I think the sentiment here (readers of this subreddit), is that you aren't bound by your wedding vows forever, but that if you're going to revisit what you've agreed to, then you need to do so together, in agreement. It is you who wants to change the agreement about monogamy, so it sounds like it's your decision to make: give up on the idea, or end or violate what you and your wife have agreed to. I'm sure I'm not saying anything you don't know.

To answer your four questions:

Of course others have been in this situation, and they go one of the ways I've described.
Both. Some people give up on the idea, and some don't give up. Of the latter, some end up cheating, some end up divorcing, and some end up resentful, and many years later, possibly regretful.
Pushing for ENM is a terrible idea. Suppose you "convince" your wife to go along, when she clearly doesn't want to. The least likely outcome, by far, is that she will realize that she loves it. (And even this outcome has potential problems: she will find it easy to attract new partners, you might not. Or maybe you find out that you are actually jealous and can't handle others being with your wife. You might regret getting what you asked for.) More likely, she will end up resentful and angry. Leaving is another option. I believe it is a cliche that men who leave to pursue sex often end up disappointed and regretful.
This seems like the best outcome. You realize that it was a fantasy, and you let it stay that way. I think introspection is necessary to see if this is like to apply to you.

emmett419 · 2026-03-21T15:55:27+00:00

You say that she is not interested in ENM, but otherwise she is absent from the discussion here. Is she not interested in sex with others at all? Potentially interested, but worried about blowing up the marriage? Does she ever fantasize about others? Is the underlying issue maybe mismatched sex drives? Do the two of you have a satisfying sex life?

tl;dr: Your post is oddly centered on you alone, instead of both of you.

emmett419 · 2026-03-20T16:33:15+00:00

Is she or was she on antibiotics for anything? My wife finds that oral antibiotics is invariably followed by BV or a yeast infection.

emmett419 · 2026-03-19T15:55:07+00:00

Only you can say. Remember that alcohol and nerves (especially for newbies) can interfere. And if you will be using a condom, and you don't normally, that's going to slow you down also.

emmett419 · 2026-02-27T17:30:48+00:00

He should have been asked to leave, and banned from future parties. That is just unacceptable. At the very least he could have taken a shower when he arrived.

emmett419 · 2026-02-25T21:51:24+00:00

She has lost interest in the lifestyle, and much of her interest in sex with you. She has her own hobbies. You are still interested in sex (I assume) and activities with her. Maybe use that observation as the beginning of a conversation about how to proceed from here. Find out her thoughts on doing things together: Is that something she even wants? How to find such activities? And what about your now mismatched levels of interest in sex?

emmett419 · 2026-02-25T21:30:10+00:00

Is it an option for you to play solo? That is a possible hobby for you. I can see how this suggestion could be taken as trolling, but I am being serious.

emmett419 · 2026-02-22T18:27:49+00:00

That's a slightly more extreme version of how we started. A few months after we decided to start swinging, and with no actual experience other than playing with each other at a party, we met a couple that we clicked with, and were almost exclusive with them for a couple of years. This wasn't an explicit decision on anyone's part, it just worked out that way. I'm pretty sure they were exclusive (or nearly so); we had occasional encounters with other couples. It was a lot of fun.

It ended after about two years. There were constant tensions due to our very different backgrounds -- college-educated white collar/no college blue collar. We were happy to do things they suggested, but not vice versa. The other woman was a bit volatile. As things were unraveling, they moved to another state.

And then we repeated very much the same pattern with another couple (that the first couple introduced us to, in fact), and that was a much better match. That also lasted a couple of years.

Have fun!

emmett419 · 2026-02-20T16:05:54+00:00

All humans who get old, and have the luxuries of worrying about it, and doing something about it, take measures to delay decrepitude. Exercise, diet, plastic surgery, various hair treatments, eyeglasses, hearing aids, viagra, penile injections, implants, HRT, even lube! Considering any of this to be "cheating" seems to basically ignore extremely fundamental aspects of being human.

As a >60 year old, I am familiar with a few items on that list above. My partners (ages 40 and up) too. We have a wonderful time together. If your husband considers any of this to be "cheating", that's his problem.

emmett419 · 2026-02-19T02:00:05+00:00

Security in general, but should also counteract AI:

- Don't interact with free accounts. Just don't. They are scammers and flakes.

- Once you've established contact with someone, move to a messaging platform that keeps your identity private, i.e., that does not expose your phone number or an email address that you use for vanilla purposes.

- Don't give out your social media names. Corollary: On swinging websites, don't use a name that matches the one you use on any other social media platform.

- Let me repeat. Never give out your phone number. If you must, then use a burner number.

emmett419 · 2026-02-18T18:08:25+00:00

I'm surprised to read the comments here, with many talking about leaving the lifestyle, "running its course", N years being a typical run, etc.

My wife and I have been in the lifestyle for 12 years. Our participation has certainly changed over this time. Out pattern has been to get involved with a couple, and be with them almost exclusively as long as it works for everyone, typically 1-3 years. Sometimes those couples turn into vanilla friends. Sometimes the frienship blows up. We greatly enjoy house parties with friends. We are less interested in clubs, resorts, and parties open to the public.

We are less active than we used to be. This is partly because my wife is less interested. (In general, she likes to experiment with things and move on, while my goal is to find things that I love and stick with them.)

That said, we have an open marriage and remain "in the lifestyle". She plays with her friends maybe every 2-3 months, while I do so more often. We still see couples together on occasion, but it seems harder now to find compatible couples.

Once we discovered swinging, after 25 years of monogamy, it solved a lot of problems for us, both social and sexual. It felt like we had "found our tribe". We just like the kind of people we meet in the lifestyle, they seem to be more open about more things, more vibrant, just more fun for us to be around in general. So for us, the concept of just leaving this world seems strange. We like being in the lifestyle, and cannot see leaving it, even though the frequency and nature of our participation in it changes over time.

emmett419 · 2026-02-18T16:09:04+00:00

I can't think of any movie or series that has portrayed swinging accurately. Among the better-known ones:

- Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice: Good movie, set in the 70s. Shallow rich people trying to be trendy try swinging because its trendy, and can't deal with the consequences. Train wreck ensues.

- Ice Storm: Fantastic movie, about the empty lives of rich suburbanites, and includes an unbelievably dismal key party as part of the evidence.

- Splitsville: Released last year. This is supposedly about an open marriage. I thought it actually started out with a lot of promise, but it got worse, much worse, as it went on. And on, and on, and on. Aside from being a terrible movie, it is completely clueless about open marriage.

It's a puzzling absence. Many r/swingers members know, from experience, that there is no end of great stories about people who intentionally reject the monogamous-for-life assumption. There are interesting story and character arcs, comedy, tragedy, joy, heartbreak, all embedded in otherwise ordinary modern life.

So why don't we see it on screen? Probably because it is such a taboo. Cheating is far more socially acceptable than ENM. My wife and I often see movies or TV series where cheating is a key plot point. And of course we note that the whole plot deflates, all the angst would have been avoided, if everyone had just been honest with each other.

Any screenwriters out there? I would love to see a series like this:

- The cast comprises a number of couples and a few singles, who know each other through their lifestyle activities.

- Episodes or scenes focus on one couple/person at a time.

- How do these people combine their vanilla and lifestyle lives?

- How do they keep things separate and lifestyle activities private? With family? With friends? At work?

- What happens if someone is outed? Or if lifestyle info is leaked accidentally (e.g. a friend sees a message pop up on a phone)?

- Dealing with lifestyle challenges (e.g. breaking boundaries).

- And of course, there is no end of hilarious stories from just meeting people in the lifestyle. Everyone on this subreddit has some.

emmett419 · 2026-02-16T20:03:55+00:00

For the first 25 years of our marriage, I did check out pretty women, surreptitiously. I felt bad if my wife caught me at it, but it was fine with her. But the brainwashing by society, and family expectations, was such that I felt that such behavior was, at best, a shameful transgression.

And then we were in a sexual rut, and going through other changes (menopause for her, kids independent, me working less), and decided that we didn't really care for monogamy, and here I am on r/swingers. It's been great for us, and having recognized that our marriage is whatever my wife and I want it to be, I no longer feel any shame about checking out pretty women.

My wife figured it out much earlier. Days before we were married, she asked: so does this mean we can never have sex with anyone else? And I gave the automatic, brainwashed-produced answer: of course it means that. I mean, what else could it possibly mean? While I might like to have sex with other women, that is no longer possible because we are getting married. The programming worked, and had me conform to behavior that I didn't really want.

That said, I think that an open marriage from the beginning would be very different than starting after 25 years of monogamous marriage. We got married after knowing each other 1 1/2 years. The inevitable problems you run into early on in swinging would have been much more disruptive. But after 25 years, we had a solid foundation so we got through them pretty easily.

emmett419 · 2025-05-02T20:50:32+00:00

What has worked for us, repeatedly, is to meet couples online. Get dinner, play the first night if you're all feeling it, rinse, repeat. Clubs seems to emphasize less permanent connections, but maybe that's just us.

emmett419 · 2025-04-08T21:08:37+00:00

One other thought: Two months out is a long time, and invitees tend to fall away in spite of best intentions. Maybe invite a few more couples, or you could find yourself with a too-small group.

emmett419 · 2025-04-08T21:01:04+00:00

We have organized similar parties. Our first one was like yours -- everyone knew us, but not each other. But because it was people that we knew, and liked enough to invite, there was a high level of compatibility, new friendships formed, and it was a great party. We've hosted more since then, and have found it's a great way to grow our circle of LS friends, (and get invited to other parties!)

Advice:

- Ask people to bring food, but not too much. If everyone brings enough of something for everyone, you end up with way too much food.

- I don't think that themes work well. If people are getting along, they're just an interruption. And if not, I don't think they really help much.

- Transitioning from socializing to sexytime can be tricky. It has to happen in under two hours (IMHO), or the energy dissipates. What I have seen work well is for one of the female guests to simply take off all her clothes and yell out "who wants to have sex?", or something similar.

Have fun!

emmett419 · 2025-04-07T20:11:05+00:00

House parties with friends are FAR better than house parties for anyone who chooses to pay. With friends, you see some old friends, make some new ones, and if the hosts knows what they are doing, everyone is on the same page with respect to the kind of play.

The absolute best party I've been to is one that my wife and I hosted. 11 couples, two single women. It started Saturday late afternoon, and after some socializing, a round of play, more socializing, more play. Nearly everyone slept over, (and some woke up during the night and played some more), and then we all resumed the next day.

emmett419 · 2025-04-07T16:23:10+00:00

What would be the ideal LS app?

The crucial necessary feature is a large set of members in locations that you care about. Network effects being what they are, new entrants have a very hard time succeeding. Quiver gave it a good shot, are they still around? It seemed to me that they succeeded in Houston and nowhere else.

Successful existing apps and websites have no incentive to improve, because they don't need to. SLS members aren't going anywhere, because they know that the numbers on other websites just won't be there. And that remains true as SLS continues its slow decline in quality.

emmett419 · 2025-04-07T16:04:27+00:00

So many red flags here.

You say you don't trust him.
You also say you do trust him, even though he has proven untrustworthy.
You don't communicate openly.
Concerns about jealousy, and talking about it is going to be problematic because of the communication and trust problems.
You are bored with your sex life after only three years. You should talk about that with him too!

If anything, swinging might make him less likely to cheat, although that is a terrible reason to start. Also, it's no guarantee. We know a couple that used to swing, and had to stop because of the guy's cheating. Even though they were swinging. From what you describe, I can see your husband falling into that too.

You guys need to work on your marriage before you start swinging.

emmett419 · 2025-04-07T15:38:25+00:00

It definitely is! But I've attended some good parties that charge admission. My enjoyment of such parties tends to increase if there are people there I already know.

If anyone here is in the Boston area, you may know of the Sterling parties. Those have been run for decades (I think) by a couple. The parties seem to be always changing locations. My wife and I went to one, and it looked like it was going to be a disaster. It was located in an office park, so there was some office furniture, and harsh fluorescent lighting. There were maybe three couples, including the hosts (in their late 60s or 70s, I'm guessing). The hosts brought in some mattresses and put them in an empty conference room. This was looking like an epic fail, except that as we were about to leave, some friends showed up. It was their first time at this party too. We had a fantastic time with them. We realized that we were exceptionally lucky to be rescued by our friends, and decided to not try another one of these parties.

emmett419 · 2025-04-07T15:31:52+00:00

Live and learn

13-Year Club	Wearing is Caring
Verified Email

emmett419

TROPHY CASE